Look At Me, I'm Tony B...

Look at me, I'm Tony B,
Rank with insincerity,
You'll be misled if you trust what I said,
Just don't! I'm Tony B!

Gordon Brown has lost his way,
Brought me back to save the day,
But it's his loss
Voters won't buy my dross,
They won't trust what I say!

And don't think (no),
I care (no)
For I'm Tony Blair (oooo)
And my wealthy future is set,
(Dosh, dosh, dosh)
And my only cause,
Is to get my paws,
On all of the the cash I can get!

Labour's time in power's through,
Nothing left that I can do,
Britain is bust,
But I couldn't be fussed,
I live in Tuscany!

Folk of Britain, can't you see,
You don't mean a thing to me,
I've had my rule,
Now you're left with that tool......
Screw you! I'm Tony B!

Sandra Bullock's Husband Checks into Rehab

Sandra Bullock - returning to the fantasy lists of men across the world.

The husband of Oscar-winning actress Sandra Bullock has checked into a treatment facility, according to US reports.

Reality star Jesse James is seeking professional help 'to deal with personal issues' his spokesman told People magazine, following accusations he had an affair.

US celebrity website TMZ reported that he was receiving treatment at the Sierra Tucson clinic in Arizona which specialises in drug, alcohol and sex addiction.

A spokesman for James said, "we can confirm that Jesse checked himself into a treatment facility to deal with personal issues. In all honesty, we can confirm that Jesse is completely, utterly, barking, window-lickingly batshit insane.

"Let's face it - anybody who can sleep with Sandra Bullock and then choose to bang any other female on the planet clearly needs a considerable dose of Thorazine and several years in a straightjacket."

Bullock, 45, is reported to be seeking a divorce from James on the grounds of adultery and irreconcilable lunacy, prompting 90% of the heterosexual male population of Earth to re-add her to their fantasy shag-lists.

The Diary's Entertainment correspondent attempted to contact Ms Bullock for comment, but the actress was not available for comment due to your correspondent's uncontrollable dribbling.

The Saviour Of Labour

Extract from "God's On A Mission From Me: The Memoirs of Tony Bliar"
Available from all good bookshops, £15,999.99

Chapter 766: The Resurrection

1. And Lo, it did come to pass that in the last days of Labour, The Tone did arise again. And he did forsake the fees of book tours, and put himself among the Party Faithful, for to offer succour in their time of darkness. And orange was the Hue of The Tone, for he had spent much time on the beaches of the Middle East in his Tonely mission of peace bringing and personal enrichment.

2. And the Party Faithful cried out, saying Lo, The Tone has come among us in our time of darkness, to lead us unto slightly less of a kicking in the polls. 3. And the Party Faithful cried out unto The Tone, saying, O Lord Tone of Three Terms, why didst thou leave us with the wonky-jawed fuckwit and political decimation, to be cast unto the Wilderness?

4. And The Tone bade them calm, and spake unto them in the way of The Tone, saying 5. Be still your hearts, Party Faithful, for I am come among you in sure and certain hope of a political resurrection, and to bring hope and joy unto thee that my expenses will be covered by the Unions. 6. And The Tone did speak unto the Party Faithful again, saying, I know he's a bit of a dickhead, but you didst have the choice to retain thy loyalty but thou chosest the wonky-jawed fuckwit in my stead, yet thou chosest to permit the wonky-jawed fuckwit and his minions of doom to stab me, Thy Tone, in the back. 7. Yet I come among thee not to condemn but to save. 8. For I speak unto the voters of Britain, and I sayeth that We Are Listening Again, and that thou shouldst give Labour a fourth Term, for I am The Tone and my grin runneth over, and thou shouldst listen unto The Tone even in your time of darkness and vote Labour.

9. And Lo! The Electorate didst hear the honeyed words of The Tone, and they saw that his grin runneth over, and they saw that orange was the Hue of the Tone, for he had spent much time in the sun on his Tonely mission of personal enrichment. 10. And the Electorate spake unto the Tone, and the Electorate said unto him, fuck off back to Tuscany and take the wide-mouth frog with you, you gurning orange twat, because we haven't forgotten the WMD, and the spin, and the lies, and the sexed-up dossier, and you know what? We won't ever forget that. 11. And The Electorate spake again unto The Tone, saying, we remember everything from the last thirteen years, and nothing you can say will persuade us that Labour are electable, and thus shall we cast Labour into the Wilderness.

12. And The Tone did harken to the voice of the Electorate, and Lo! The Tone did fuck off back to Tuscany with the wide-mouth frog. 13. And The Tone did smile, for in these darkened times he had ensured that Labour wouldst be cast unto the Wilderness, and his vengeance upon the wonky-jawed fuckwit was complete.

Cable to Step Down as MP

Guru Vinsputin giving anyone in earshot the benefit of his precognition.

Liberal Democrat legend Vince Cable is to retire from politics at the next Election, it was announced today.

Mr Cable, who is the Lib-Dem spokesman on financial issues and who is known for being the only Lib-Dem MP anybody can actually remember, made the shock announcement less than 24 hours after his performance on Channel 4's 'Ask The Chancellors' debate.

Speaking at a hastily-convened Press conference, Mr Cable said, "while my decision is tinged with regret, I know that leaving politics is the right thing for me to do. I will therefore be standing down as MP for Twickenham at the next Election.

"My incredible performance in the Debate last night proved, beyond any doubt, that I am right about absolutely everything. I predicted everything, and not just fiscally - while I of course was way ahead of everybody else in predicting the debt crisis*, I also foretold both outbreaks of Foot and Mouth disease, foresaw the tragic death of Diana, correctly predicted the winner of the last three Grand Nationals and have visions of the upcoming National Lottery numbers. I must take my gift of foresight to the masses, and travel the globe as a visionary guru."

Donning a saffron robe, Mr Cable requested that he be referred to as 'Guru Vinsputin' from this point forward, and announced that he would be spending the duration of the Election campaign sitting atop a Scottish mountain, dispensing his wisdom to any and all who sought true enlightenment.

Guru Vinsputin's political opponents have expressed their regret at his decision. However, Shadow Chancellor George Osborne pointed out that despite all his incredible powers of precognition, he'd never ever predicted a Liberal Democrat election victory.

* Except, of course, Oliver Letwin.

CERN: LHC Update 30/03/2010

Dear Friends of Physics

Today is, as you know, an historic day here at CERN and for the world of science as a whole.

After false starts, restarts and unfortunate baguette-related incidents, the Large Hadron Collider has been brought almost to full speed, and proton collision tests have proved completely successful with almost no black holes, universe-destruction or manifestations from alternate dimensions (apart from the minor problem of annihilating Lucerne, but if we keep quiet we're sure nobody will miss it).

So now, Friends of Physics, we can move forward with our plans for grand, high-energy science - experiments that may one day, we hope, prove the existence of a Grand Unified Theory or even, perhaps, that there was truly a Creator.

First, our testing will continue with particles, increasing the energy involved until we reach the target of 7 TeV. This is a huge amount of energy, far beyond anything ever achieved by a man-made device before - to give you an idea of just how much it is, 7TeV is almost sufficient energy to restart Dick Cheney's heart.

Finally, once we have established stable test collisions of protons at these energy levels, we will move on to our objective.

Starting in late 2010, we hope to be in a position to accelerate Stephen Hawking to a velocity of 0.7c. Tests are ongoing to ensure his safety and stability at these speeds - supergluing him to his chair is one option currently on the table. At speeds above 0.5c, we will expect to see significant changes in Professor Hawking's quantum state, if not his facial expression.

The final goal, in early 2011, is a 7TeV collision between Professor Hawking and the Pope at 85% of the speed of light. The energy released at the moment of impact will, we hope, finally reveal the existence of the 'God Particle' - and if it doesn't, it'll still be bloody funny to watch.

Stay tuned to CERN, Friends of Physics, for more exciting developments here at the Big Tunnel. Remember - we're doing big, fun explody collisions so you don't have to.

Yours in Science

CERN

BREAKING: CERN Shuts Down LHC Over Safety Fears

The world's largest physics experiment, the Large Hadron Collider, has been shut down again following fears over safety.

The Collider, which aims to discover the hidden secrets behind the Universe including the existence of dark matter, the conditions of the Big Bang and the postulated but as-yet unproved Higgs Boson particle, has been shut down for modifications after British safety experts expressed concern over the particle collision speeds.

Safety campaigner James Padding, from the UK's Speed Awareness Partnership, said that the speeds attained the accelerator, which is a 27km tunnel some 100m below ground, far exceed safe limits.

Mr Padding said, "the LHC accelerates protons to terrific speeds - close to the speed of light - and enormous energies of around 7 TeV. This cannot be safe. Our own research into speed indicates that there is a high risk of injury in over 80% of collisions occurring at velocities in excess of 40mph (60kmh). While we do appreciate that the neccessities of science requires higher collision speeds than this, the jump from a safe 30mph to 0.8c is simply unacceptable.

"Therefore, for reasons of safety we have ceased all experiments at CERN pending the implementation of an LHC-wide speed limit of 60mph (100kmh) on all protons, muons, gluons and other particles using the accelerator highway. This is to be enforced by a tunnel-wide system of GATSO cameras to spot speeding particles. It's the only way to ensure that collisions are as safe as possible for the particles concerned."

Steve Myers, CERN's director for accelerators, said that they understood the Speed Awareness Partnership's position, and would be amending their experimental protocols to comply.

Mr Myers said, "obviously safety is a primary concern, so the LHC will no longer be looking to recreate the Big Bang - instead, we'll try and identify the conditions of a minor bump."

C4 & Sky Announce New Debate Format

Hill takes over from Guru-Murthy for future political debates.

Channel 4 and Sky have announced they are to review the format of upcoming political debates, after lower than expected ratings for Channel 4's 'Ask The Chancellors' last night.

The debate, which showed the two main contenders and some bloke nobody cares about throw genteel insults at each other while deftly attempting to say precisely the same thing in different ways, garnered a total of 27 viewers - a new UK record for political debates.

However, the program lost out in the ratings to BBC4's ground-breaking documentary 'Pinter's Best Awkward Silences', ITV's 'Ant & Dec's Monday Night Yeast Infection' and Sky Sports 3's live coverage of the World Paint-Drying Masters.

In a joint press conference, Channel 4 and Sky - who are to screen the 'Leaders Debates' in the run-up to the general election - agreed that more needed to be done if the debates were to capture the imagination of the viewing public.

Julian Bellamy, Channel 4's Head of Programming, said, "our role has to be to inform the voting public so that they can differentiate between the main parties, however difficult that may be to do. But that said, it's also important that we engage them, in an entertaining way, to ensure that the message is spread more widely.

"The new jointly-agreed format for the debates, which will now include other political figures, has been settled-on based upon our surveys of what voters would find entertaining, and what they will really want to watch and enjoy, rather than just political messaging."

The new shows will see C4 frontman Krishnan Guru-Murthy replaced as host by Harry Hill, who will start the debates with a brief precis of each Party's position, before opening the floor to the debaters by shouting "FIIIIGGGGGGHHHHT!". Each political figure will be able to make their own selection of weapon from baseball bats, snooker balls in socks and other impact weapons which, Bellamy noted, "will make a change from their usual political brickbats.". At the end of the debate, the last politician standing will be deemed to have emerged the victor.

Plans for a similar debate on women's issues, with a 'foxy boxing' contest between Harriet Harman, Nadine Dorries and Lynne Featherstone, are still under negotiation, with discussions stalled on the issue of whether to use warm baby oil or mud as the debating medium.

Leaders from the two main parties have cautiously welcomed the new debate format. Prime Minister Gordon 'Colostomy' Brown said, "bring it on - I'll show him courage. He won't like a taste of this Clunking Fist*", and Tory leader Forehead Cameron was equally keen. Mr Cameron said, "I'm up for this. I'd like to see the PM spout his usual tractor-stats when he's got a well-aimed halfbrick between the eyes."

However, the Liberal Democrat leader could not be contacted for comment, as nobody knows who he is.

* In accordance with Mr Brown's standard electoral policy, he is expected to withdraw from the contest at the last minute.

Barry Sheerman MP. Twat.

Sheerman: Anti-bike Twat.

I haven't done a TOTW for a short while, as the runaway weekly winners have been Colostomy Brown and Eyebrows Darling, with absolutely no question.

But this week, surprisingly, it's someone different. Unsurprisingly, however, it's yet another Labour Member*.

Barry Sheerman MP has decided, apparently, that motorcyclists are the spawns of Satan and our choice of transportation is "disgraceful in a civilised society."

In a typically Labour attack of dishonesty, he tosses in a dash of inaccurate figures and, in a spasm of textual twattishness, describes those of us who use two wheels as 'widow-makers and orphan-makers'.

Hmmm. Really?

In 2007 there were 2946 deaths on British roads. 49% of those were in cars, 20% motorcyclists. So that's 1,444 deaths chalked up to four wheels and 589 to two. So the true widowmakers and orphan-makers are, by almost three to one, those who irresponsibly and with malice aforethought, drive cars.

in the same year, 646 pedestrians** were killed in road accidents. Therefore, the widowmakers and orphan-makers are those who dangerously, and without care and thought, walk on British streets.

Oh, and just as an additional point, he claims that 650 bikers die per year and that the number is rising, when in fact 589 lost their lives in 2007 and 493 in 2008 - which is a drop of almost 20 per cent. Labour's statistical massaging strikes again...

Actually, I would say the truest widowmakers and orphan-makers are those who voted, strongly, to send British troops into action in Iraq.

You know what's really disgraceful in a civilised society? Preaching, money-grubbing political sluts spouting their personal opinions, twisting facts to the point of surreality and dishonesty, and shoving their own personal agendas up our noses in a desperate and nauseating attempt to garner publicity and deprive the long-suffering population of their few remaining pleasures.

Barry Sheerman doesn't like bikes, and uses his Parliamentary pulpit to voice his distaste. Maybe his mum wouldn't let him have a moped when he was a kid - I really couldn't give a flying fuck.

I have both car and motorcycle, and I love both. Especially bikes. And, like every biker, when I get on two wheels my safety is MY responsibility, not Westminster's. And certainly not Mr Sheerman's.

Yes, some people may crash. That may even be me at some point. Yes, some people may die. Again, that may even be me. But it is my choice to take and to manage that risk, and to take the precautions I deem appropriate to mitigate that risk.

So, Mr Sheerman, please do feel free to keep your personal opinions to yourself, lest you find yourself being used as a paddock stand. And subsequently set on fire. Go back to what you're really good at - which would appear to be troughing taxpayers money - and keep your socialist snout out of people's personal choice of transportation and pleasure.

Twat.


* A complete member.

** 646 pedestrians. 646 MPs. Sadly, the two aren't connected.

ABBA To Release New Album

ABBA: Seventies cameltoes are unlikely to be a part of their latest stage gigs.

Legendary Swedish Supergroup ABBA are to release a new album, according to sources close to the band.

The news comes after Benny Andersson and Björn Ulvaeus, the male half of the Swedish group, hinted that the band may reform for a one-off concert to be beamed around the globe.

The four members of the band, which split in 1982 after a string of hits and sales of over 350 million records, had previously refused all offers to reunite.

However Andersson, speaking at an interview to celebrate his 84th birthday, said, "it's not a bad idea, actually. We've been in the studio recently, just for fun, and what's come out of it is a new album which reinvents our old tracks and brings them up to date for the ABBA of today. A concert to publicise the new album - yeah, why not?"

The album, entitled 'ABBA: Old', is due to be released on April 1st.

Among the reworked and updated tracks are a number of old favourites, brought up to date for the aging former supergroup.

Ulvaeus has rewritten their trademark 1974 Eurovision winner to talk about his recent prostate problems, and re-titled the song 'Waterworks'. Other songs on the album include 'Grandmamma Mia', 'Dancing Queen (Until Her Hip Gives Out)', 'Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Horlicks After 9pm)', and 'What's The Name of The (Zimmer) Frame'.

The group's former manager, Bjorn Everyminute, denied that the group's new album was an attempt to cash-in on their resurgent popularity, and said, "this is a whole new revitalised ABBA, back in the studio and ready to tour - as long as the concerts aren't too loud, end by nine and have several bathroom breaks for Benny's recent prolapse."

Outrage at Mock School Shooting

Children at a Midlands school were left shocked and traumatised after a mock shooting of a teacher as part of a science lesson, it was reported today.

Reports state the incident began when an alarm thought to be a simple fire drill sent students, aged 10 to 13, into the playground.

"They were standing in the playground, and then a man appeared in the distance holding a gun," said Vikki Woosey, whose son is in Year 6 at the school, according to London's Telegraph.

A science teacher was then "shot," and other staff members rushed to his aid.

"It was 10 minutes later that they told the children that it wasn't real, and that it was all a joke," another parent told the Telegraph.

Children in class 3b, who were taking the lesson aimed at teaching them how evidence of crime was collected and investigated, were said to be 'shocked and appalled' by the event.

Preston Chav, 13, who is a student at Blackminster Middle School, where the 'shooting' took place, said, "it was disgusting, and I was really shocked."

"Firstly, the shooter weren't holding the gat right. He had it upright and that ain't gangsta, it should be sideways, innit. And what's with having like a poncy 9mm? If they'd asked they could've borrowed me .40, or the Uzi off my mate in 4c, and do the fucker proper, braa. And one shot? What's the point of that, yeah? Empty the clip if you're gonna pop a cap, proper, innit."

Members of the School Council also condemned the science lesson as 'unrealistic' and have offered to consult on future school shootings in future to ensure a correct and accurate representation of gang violence.

Members of So Solid Crew were unavailable for comment.

Government Introduce Election Security Measures

Security from terrorism: Of course there's a threat, Citizen. Be afraid, and do not question.

The Government have announced further security measures in the run-up to the General Election, citing fears of terrorist attack.

The news comes in the wake of calls from MPs of all parties to conduct a full review of the security laws implemented following the 9/11 attacks.

In declaring a temporary state of emergency after the September 11 attacks, the Government was able to legally set aside some of its Human Rights obligations under the European Convention. Since then hundreds of articles boosting the power of police and security services have been passed.

The announcement of new security measures was made by Injustice Minister Laventiy Straw, who said that information received from 'reliable sources' justified an increase in the Alert State to 'Totalitarianism For Your Own Good', up from 'Barely Credible Scaremongering'.

Mr Straw rejected the call for an enquiry from the Joint Committee on Human Rights, citing National Security concerns, and said that the current terror threat required greater vigilance and security measures to ensure the safety of British citizens.

Mr Straw said, "Despite our best efforts, there is still an ongoing, real and imminent terrorist threat which threatens our very way of life. It is clear that blanket CCTV coverage, indiscriminate stop-and-search, DNA databases, detention without charge, extending the right of espionage to everyone from PCSO's to lollipop ladies and even radio advertisements encouring people to spy on their own neighbours is insufficient to protect the people from the ongoing, real and imminent terrorist threat which exists, despite there having been no attacks since 2005, which is all down to our legislation. Honest. And we have credible reasons to believe that there is an ongoing, real and imminent threat of terrorist attack to disrupt the General Election and try to stop us winning.

"Therefore, it is right that we act to prevent disruption by ongoing, real and imminent terrorist threats by introducing legislation under the temporary state of emergency, that ensures nobody is placed at risk."

Under the new rules announced by the Injustice Minister, all public gatherings will be banned to reduce the risk of attack by suicide bombers. Instead, all political campaigning will be carried out by the BBC, monitored by a Government committee to ensure impartiality and that no information is imparted which may be of use to terrorist groups including Al Qaeda, The English Defence League and the Conservative Party.

Additionally, there will be no Polling Stations on Election Day, as these are believed to be at high risk of terrorist attack. Instead, all registered voters will be sent a Postal Vote card, which will be collected on Polling Day by specially-vetted Labour Party activists, and the collected Postal Votes will then be counted in secret to prevent terrorist attacks on counting stations.

Mr Straw added that he would be keeping the terrorist threat under close supervision in the run-up to the General Election, and would not rule out further security measures including Returning Officers giving the count results in secret, with the results subsequently announced by Government broadcast. The Justice Minister added, "we are confident that these measures will protect British citizens from the ongoing, real and imminent threat of terror, and keep us in powe...sorry...keep everyone safe."

Budget 2010 - In Song

In what's becoming a small tradition, let's have a little song about Darling's Budget non-speech. Enjoy.

It's amazing how you can still try to be smart,
Thanks to you our economy's fallen apart,
This Budget Day you have done it again,
Talked a lot but you don't say a thing,

CHORUS:
You're all a disgrace, and you've mortgaged the country,
All your figures are lies, and you've wasted our money,
In thirteen long years you've delivered precisely sod-all,
We've masses of debt,
and you've done nothing at all.

In your speeches you waffle and claim to be proud,
Figures pulled from your arse, and your head in the clouds
Try as you may to say everything's fine
Deep inside you must know that you're lying,

CHORUS:
You're all a disgrace, and you've mortgaged the country,
All your figures are lies, and you've wasted our money,
In thirteen long years you've delivered precisely sod-all,
We've masses of debt,
and you've done nothing at all.

You're all a disgrace, and you've mortgaged the country,
All your figures are lies, and you've wasted our money,
In thirteen long years you've delivered precisely sod-all,
We've masses of debt,
and you've done nothing at all.

(We've masses of debt,
and you've done nothing at all
We've masses of debt,
and you've done nothing at all)

You're all a disgrace,
Your figures are lies,
You've mortgaged this land
And you've screwed up the country,

You're all a disgrace, and you've mortgaged the country,
All your figures are lies, and you've wasted our money,
In thirteen long years you've delivered precisely sod-all,
We've masses of debt,
and you've done nothing at all.

(We've masses of debt,
and you've done nothing at all
We've masses of debt,
and you've done nothing at all)

You're all a disgrace,
Your figures are lies,
You've mortgaged this land
And you've screwed up the country,

(We've masses of debt,
and you've done nothing at all
We've masses of debt,
and you've done nothing at all)

Repeat until we finally get the General Election we so desperately need....

Darling Enters Record Books

Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

The Guinness Book of Records have confirmed that Chancellor Alistair Darling has entered the record books following today's Budget speech, it was announced today.

The Chancellor managed to break the British Record for 'talking continuously and incessantly for as long as possible without actually saying anything meaningful or new', with a personal best of 60 minutes, breaking the long-standing record speech* of 47 minutes set in 2005 by his predecessor, Gordon 'Colostomy' Brown.

A spokesman for Guinness Records said, "this was a sterling effort for the Chancellor, who has managed to speak for such a lengthy period without making the mistake of saying anything that hasn't been heard, announced or otherwise leaked beforehand. It was an absolute masterpiece of obfuscation, disinformation and unoriginality, and we salute Mr Darling for his brilliant babbling."

However, the Chancellor's record speech is still a long way short of the current World Record, set by US President Barack Obama, who managed to talk his way through an entire Election campaign without saying anything at all.

A source for the Conservative Party welcomed the Budget speech, saying that it proved beyond doubt that Tory fiscal policy was correct.


*Guinness Records confirmed that they were using the word 'speech' in its loosest possible sense.

Doctors Call for Action on 'Secondary Children'

Children in cars: a high-risk and antisocial act.

Young people should be banned from all cars as well as in public places where others congregate, doctors are urging.

The Royal College of Physicians has called for the measures as part of a full review into the health impacts of secondary children on the population including noise pollution, increased accident and illness rates, and the increased incidence of frustration, depression and bankruptcy.

An RCP report says that secondary children are responsible for over 20,000 minor injuries and some 22,000 cases of hypertension, as well as 200 fiscal heart-attacks and at least 20 cases of rage-related aneurysms per year. It claims child-related illnesses in adults account for more than 300,000 visits per year to GPs, and cost the NHS eleventy-billion pounds.

Dr Isay Banitall, of the RCP, said, "it is high time that a full, in-depth research project was carried out into the health implications of children. For example, our initial figures indicate that the presence of two arguing sprogs in the back of your car is a greater risk to concentration and awareness than being twice the legal drink-drive limit, and even more damaging than using a mobile phone, which we already know is more socially-unacceptable than paedophilia and is probably carcinogenic too. The presence of children in a vehicle make the likelihood of serious injury, from turning around to separate the two fighting kids and running up the arse of the poor sod in front of you, some 43.7% higher than when the occupants of the car are all adults.

"It is also difficult to quantify the secondary effects of children in other areas - for example, there is some evidence to indicate that the presence of screaming, uncontrolled brats in pub restaurants is directly linked to almost a million cases of hearing loss and indigestion. We would therefore recommend the imposition of a 'child area', outside the building and well clear of the entrances, where those who wish to have children can congregate."

A Department of Health spokesman welcomed the RCP report, and said that the upcoming Budget would continue to apply tax increases with the long-term goal of making children completely unacceptable in public. However, he acknowledged that a blanket ban on children, however desirable, would be neither practically, politically nor fiscally possible.

Government Launches New Sexual Health Campaign

Socially-transmitted diseases: obviously the fault of the software.

The Government is to launch a new sexual health campaign, after social networking site Facebook was linked with a fourfold rise in the incidence of syphilis.

The campaign, which is aimed at 16 to 25 year olds, will attempt to increase awareness of the risks to sexual health caused by Facebook and other social networking sites and promote responsible online encounters.

A spokesman for the Department of Health said, "it is clear that there is a problem here, which isn't in any way due to an increase in casual unprotected sex caused by the Government's gradual erosion of education, morals, parenting and personal responsibility. Honest. No, it's all the fault of Facebook, and it is therefore right that we take action to educate and inform young people of the terrible risk posed by social networking to their sexual health."

The campaign, entitled 'Practice Protected Poking', will focus on the risks of socially-transmitted diseases and will encourage young people to use condoms when 'typing one-handed' on social networking sites. Computer peripheral manufacturers have also pledged their support, with keyboard maker Cherry offering a free latex keyboard protector to prevent the transmission of viruses.

Software giant Microsoft has declined to get involved at this stage, pointing out that they have enough problems controlling the rampant spread of infections they already have. There was also a lack of support from Linux companies such as Red Hat, who pointed out that anyone using Linux was so far removed from normal social and sexual interaction that they were unlikely to risk infection.

However, activists have already attacked the campaign for not going far enough to protect young people from the dangers of socially-transmitted diseases. The chairperson of the Moral Outrage Commission, Linda Papadopolous, said, "this is a moral outrage that such a thing could be happening in today's world, and obviously it must be someone's fault. Equally obviously, it must be the fault of the evil software that is putting children at risk, so therefore we must ban social networking sites. Won't somebody please think of the children?"

UK Space Agency Unveiled

The UK Space Agency's manned mission to Jupiter on the launch-pad.

Britain will come one step closer to exploring the mysteries of space today as a new National Space Agency is unveiled.

The futuristic body will bring Government departments and research bodies together 'under one roof' to maximise exploration potential.

Fred Von Braun, spokesman for the new - and as-yet unnamed - agency said, "the creation of a new national space agency will do wonders for investment, and allow us to investigate and research the very deepest regions of hitherto uncharted territories. We will leap into the unknown. We have a continuing mission - to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilisation. To boldy screw up grammar that no space agency has screwed up before."

It is believed that the agency's first mission, tentatively scheduled for May 2010, is to launch a probe that will attempt to prove beyond doubt the existence of 'dark matter', the mysterious substance physicists believe makes up a massive percentage of space but which has never conclusively been proved to exist.

Mr Von Braun said, "proving the existence of dark matter is a huge challenge, and will require us to venture into the deepest of voids, working in a complete vacuum. There can be nothing - nothing at all - to interfere with the operation of our sensors if we are to locate and identify dark matter.

"Therefore, our research teams have decided that in the first instance, we will launch a probe into the deepest void we can find - the moral conscience of the Labour Party."

Sources at US space agency NASA have welcomed the announcement by the British agency. A spokesman said that they would be 'very interested' in seeing the results from the British probe, ahead of their 2012 mission to the deepest recesses of Dick Cheney's heart - believed to be the darkest place in existence.

LHC: World Destruction 'Ahead of Schedule'

LHC advertising their latest achievements.

Scientists at CERN working on the Large Hadron Collider say they have broken their own record for particle beams, which they say brings their plans to bring about the end of the world 'significantly closer to fruition'.

On Friday morning, the machine - the worlds biggest physics experiment - created two beams of protons, each with an energy of 3.5 trillion electron volts. The effort breaks the prior record, set in December, of just over a trillion electron volts in each beam.

Speaking from his hollowed-out volcano subterranean office, LHC Project Leader Si Ensswonk said, "this is a major step forward in our plans for the destruction of Earth in the name of science.

"The next phase of our plan is to bring the beams together, a bit like that bit in 'Ghostbusters' but without the ectoplasm. We will then increase the voltages of the beams, smashing protons together in ever-more-powerful collisions until we discover Higson's Bassoon. Or destroy the space-time continuinuinuumumum. Either way, it should be fun!"

Mr Ensswonk added that the LHC expected to replicate conditions at the very instant of the Big Bang by next Thursday, and were confident that, with the provision of additional funding, could create a black hole sufficient to swallow large parts of the known Solar System by early May.

The news has been met with great excitement by followers of earth-destroying sciences and apocalypse-watchers, who have urged CERN to confirm the date they intend to end life as we know it. One long-time apocalypse-watcher said, "I've spent thirty years wandering around with 'The End Of The World Is Nigh' on my sandwich board, it'll be nice to know when I'm going to be right."

In Which Dungeekin Dons a Tinfoil Hat

Unite: they're paying the money, but who's calling the tune?

In todays world of the global, interconnected internetz, when anyone can post their crackpot theory from their parents' basement and find others who doggedly believe it to be true, it's easy to form the conclusion that nothing is an accident. Everything is a dark, dangerous conspiracy, a tangled web of global collusion and evil to enslave and entrap an unsuspecting world.

We're told that JFK, for example, was assassinated by the CIA. Or the Mafia. Or perhaps by an errant underwire from Marilyn Monroe's armoured bra. Others insist that 9/11 was in fact the work of the Israelis to force the US to take military action in the Middle East, when it seems pretty clear that Shrub would've found a way to do so anyway without killing 3,000 American citizens.

Then you have the US Presidency which, along with other global positions of power, is in fact controlled and occupied by lizard people. Or Jews. Or, preposterously, a vastly-rich global network controlled by jazz musician Bix Beiderbecke.

And of course, Diana* did not die as a result of a drunken Frog with crappy car control. She was murdered by space aliens, using a Romulan warbird cunningly cloaked to look like a Fiat Uno, in order to hide the secret of her illicit relationship with Elvis Presley**.

And you know what the defining characteristic of all these conspiracy theories is? They're. All. Bullshit. The idea that any of these things could be conceived, carried out and covered-up for years or even decades without a hint is risible - that any such acts should be contemplated without several hundredweight of arse-covering paperwork that would, by now, have leaked is about as likely and believable as organised religion.

However, there's the slightly bovine aroma of another conspiracy reaching my nostrils here at Vitriol Towers - and this one, to me, is altogether more believable. And a lot more scary.

This conspiracy doesn't involve deaths, assassinations or even, boringly, space aliens****. It's a more simple plot, with a single rather prosaic purpose - to win the next General Election. Let me explain.

You have a Government whose party is openly supported by - and openly funded by - the Unite Union. This Union even funds the placement of a Downing Street adviser, and contributed to the constituency war-chests of half the Cabinet. This Union, again openly, campaigns for a Labour fourth term.

You have a Unite man as the closest confidant and enforcer to a Prime Minister who, we already know, will do and say absolutely anything to keep his bitten nails on the tiller of the country.

And in the run-up to a General Election, this same Union 'votes' for strike action. This same Union then makes a point of soliciting support from their militant brethren in the USA, Australia, Germany and France to increase the disruption and the pressure.

Now, it's easy to imagine that should the strike go ahead, the resultant chaos, cancellation and cost would not make the Government of the day particularly popular. And a Labour Government suffering this would inevitably invite comparisons with the dark days of strikes during the Winter of Discontent.

But. . . .But . . .

If, in the run-up to the General Election, the Prime Minister were to personally lead a delegation to arbitrate, and if, in the run-up to the General Election, that Prime Minister were to personally achieve a last-ditch, last-gasp resolution to an apparently insoluble industrial dispute with international reach, wouldn't that Prime Minister expect a rise in the polls for his strength and determination in banging heads together and fixing the problem for the people?

You can see the headline in the Daily Mirror: 'Determined Gordon Saves Britain's Holidaymakers'.

Now, ask yourself a question.

Do you really think that planning something like this is beyond the wit of Whelan****?

Think of everything you know about 'Colostomy' Brown. Every dirty trick he's pulled, every smear he's had Whelan, McBride et al involved in, every nasty little piece of opportunism he's tried, from visiting Afghanistan the day after lying to the Chilcot Inquiry to crying on Piers Morgan's shoulder. This man will do anything - ANYTHING - to stay in power. And with Whelan pulling the strings both in Downing Street and Unite HQ, creating and manipulating an industrial dispute to his own advantage would surprise me not one jot.

Labour and the Unions conspiring to secure a fourth term? That's a conspiracy we can all believe in.


* Insert your own 'People's Princess'/Queen of Hearts/media manipulator/waste of global resources/wouldn't kick her out of bed suffix as appropriate.
** Because he's not dead, but in fact high in the leadership of the Beiderbecke Group.
*** Though given the key players, it doesn't really involve humans either.
**** I especially like the carefully-contrived 'split' between Whelan and Mandelson - just enough to stir the pot.


My thanks to The Red Rag for the image.

You Can't Ban Idiocy

Back when I was young, fit and stupid*, I used to engage in all manner of silly activities.

I drove cars, far too fast, around my home-town's one-way system in pointless and dangerous races with other over-testosteroned, under-sexed youths. I did the same with motorbikes. We'd jump off the pier into the sea, giving scant thought to the state of the tide. We drank a lot. Sometimes, we combined drinking a lot with jumping off the pier.

One source of endless hilarity, late at night, was to climb the 'security gate'** behind the M&S at the bottom of the High Street, climb up to the roof and from there run to the top end along the roofs, jumping the gaps, before jumping clear at the other end and sliding down a lamp-post to effect our escape. This highly-laudable and deeply intellectual activity was frequently combined with drinking a lot, and equally frequently was participated in - albeit involuntarily - by the security guards at M&S.

I can clearly remember one occasion when, while being pursued by the guards, I forgot to jump - and dropped from a first-floor flat roof to ground level, landing on both feet. It hurt. A great deal. Yet the fear of injury was far less than the fear of capture by the disgruntled security personnel, so I scrambled up the opposite wall and belted on...and woke up the next morning with savage pain in my back, and unable to feel my legs below the knee.

I lay there, in terror. I'd paralysed myself with my own idiocy. I didn't dare say anything to my parents as they left for work - I just lay there, in tears of terror. Sensation finally returned fully four hours later.

I never went roof-running again.

Today, over twenty years later, the news is full, as usual, of the dangers of 'legal highs'. Every media service is reporting on the tragic deaths of two 19-year-old lads who, it appears, lost their lives at least in part due to the latest evil murder killing thing - Mephedrone, known by its frankly ludicrous 'street name' of 'Meow Meow'(Hardly 'gangsta', is it? Sounds like the underground magazine for 'Hello Kitty' memorabilia collectors.).

And, as always, the news of their untimely demise is met with mass outcry demanding that SOMETHING must be done.

Well, I'm sorry, but something doesn't have to be done. Because nothing CAN be done.

Pretty much all of us go looking for risk in our lives. Whether it's driving a bit fast, riding a motorcycle, taking up skydiving or (for the truly suicidal) having an affair, it's because we seek excitement. When you're a teenager, with the flat belly and fast reflexes you'll never have again, death is so far off as to be irrelevant. On top of that, you know - we all knew - that we knew far, far better than boring adults, with their boring jobs and their boring advice and their boring lives. Teenagers of both sexes are always looking for excitement, for challenges, for new ways to impress each other***. And they always will, because nobody can be bored like a teenager.

So they'll go looking for the thrill, for the risk. Whether that's roof-running, car-surfing, binge-drinking, casual sex or - to bring this back on point - stuffing plant food up their nose. And if you ban the plant food, you'll just make it more desirable, because nothing says 'risk' like the truly forbidden. Plus, by banning it as a legal high, you can rest assured that teenagers will find something else to get their legal highs from.

There's another thing, too. The lads who died weren't primary schoolchildren - they were nineteen years old. Old enough to drink, vote, marry, even die in a foreign field - certainly, therefore, old enough to make their own decisions. And they decided to inhale plant food.

And that's the thing. Everything I did, and everything any other person of that age does, is their own choice. You can't stop them from taking stupid risks, and you can't ban everything that might risk their health or life, any more than you could have banned my mates and I from jumping off the pier. What stopped me from taking stupid risks, as it does with the vast majority of teenagers, is the simple fact that I grew up.

So - put a warning on the packets of plant food, and let those stupid enough to ingest it take their own risks. Most will do as I did, grow up and put idiotic risk-taking behind them. Some, sadly, will not be so fortunate. But you can't wrap the world in cotton-wool - you can't legislate to protect that few.

To do so will be to attempt to legislate against teenage idiocy. And I'm sorry, but there's no way to legislate against that.


*Alright then, more stupid.
** Clearly, not a very secure security gate.
*** So that they can experience the new challenge of actually getting laid.

Fears Grow Over Latest Legal High

Gallusgallus Accrescoanatidiate - a new 'legal high' with dangerous effects.

Health watchdogs and drugs campaigners have called for urgent action to protect young people from a new 'legal high', which they say could have dangerous or even fatal effects.

The news comes in the wake of the deaths of two 19-year-old men who collapsed and died after taking the legal high Mephedrone - known as 'Meow Meow' - but campaigners fear the latest craze could be even more dangerous to users.

Gallusgallus Accrescoanatidiate*, or GGA - more commonly known by its street name of 'Whiskas', is legally available in tablet form, though it is more commonly ground into powder and snorted by users seeking its potent effects.

Toxicologist Charlie Sniffer, who leads the campaign 'No To Legal Highs' said, "we are deeply concerned about the potential impact of 'whiskas' on the young people of Britain. Gallusgallus Accrescoanatidiate is a potent drug. Its effects include delusions leading to climbing high trees and buildings, violence towards others, loss of bladder control and speech impediments. There is some evidence to indicate that the body cannot tolerate the narcotic, which builds up in the body and leads, in many cases, to death on the tenth use."

"Our research indicates that 'whiskas' is the legal high of choice for eight out of ten recreational drug users, despite the massive risk imposed by this dangerous drug. It is wrong that it is legally available - in many cases, over the counter in local shops accessible by young children - when it poses so many dangers."

A spokesman for the Department of Health said that they were looking at the impact of Gallusgallus Accrescoanatidiate as 'a matter of urgency', and that initial scientific reports indicated that the high protein content of the drug could lead to worrying side effects including kidney failure. Health Secretary Andy Burnham echoed the concerns, and added that he was considering legislation to ensure Gallusgallus Accrescoanatidiate could only be obtained on prescription or in specially-licensed shops.

However, common-sense activists have called for the Government to stop short of an outright ban. A spokesman for pressure group Sense Has Its Time, which campaigns on issues of knee-jerk legislation, said, "the fact is, you can't ban all the 'legal highs', because you're always behind the curve. If you ban something, you just make it naughtier and thus more desirable, and there'll always be a new one coming out for brainless kids to stick up their noses. Where do you stop - banning cat food?"




*Gallusgallus Accrescoanatidiate, for those who couldn't be bothered to work it out.

Capello: Beckham WILL be part of England Squad

Beckham: Capello insists he won't be a 'left-back'.

England manager Fabio Capello has insisted that injured midfielder David Beckham still has a vital role to play in England's 2010 World Cup campaign, despite undergoing surgery for a ruptured Achilles tendon.

Beckham, 34, injured his Achilles during an AC Milan game, and has undergone surgery in Finland. He is not expected to be able to return to football for six months.

However, despite not being able to play, Fabio Capello insisted that Beckham would be 'an essential part' of the England squad in South Africa, and that he had a vital role to play.

Capello said, "I have spoken to David and while he is, of course, very unhappy that he will not be able to play, I have assured him that he is an essential part of the England squad for South Africa. Specifically, David will be vital to the England squad in the position of scapegoat.

Let's face it, we know that we'll go out there, squeak through the group stages and then go out somewhere around the quarter-finals. Previously, we've been able to blame our failure to progress on cheating Argentinians - now we have a home-grown reason for failure. We can say 'we would've won, because had David taken that free kick we'd probably have scored the winning goal', and convince ourselves that if we'd had him on the subs bench we'd have been bringing Jules Rimet home. Which, of course, we wouldn't - but it sounds better than 'we're never quite good enough'."

Business and retail leaders in South Africa have welcomed the news that Capello will be including Beckham in his squad. The chairman of the Soweto Federation of Business said, "this is excellent news for businesses across South Africa. Beckham coming to SA will ensure that Posh and the rest of the WAGs will be coming, which will mean a massive increase in revenue for champagne and handbags. Though obviously they won't do much for the restaurant trade."

US Car Makers Announce Further Recalls

An American driver demonstrates the US alternative to using the brakes.

Car manufacturers in the US have announced further recalls following further safety fears.

The news follows a series of recalls by Japanese manufacturers Honda and Toyota over brakes, accelerators and airbags, and reports of cars accelerating uncontrollably or suffering inabilities to stop safely.

As a result, the US Carmakers Association, which represents the interests of all manufacturers selling vehicles in the United States, have announced a complete recall on all motor vehicles currently in use in the country.

A spokesman for USCA said, "it is a matter for concern that the USA has suffered the largest number of safety complaints in respect of accelerators and brakes worldwide.

"Given the general straightness of the roads in the US, the lower average speed limits than most nations and the average IQ of Americans, our research has established that Americans are both too stupid and too litigious to be put in charge of two tons of metal driven at high speed by explosive gases. We are therefore recalling all vehicles currently in the United States for reasons of safety."

The announcement has been condemned by US civil rights groups including the National Rifle Association, who have spoken vehemently about the recall affecting citizens' Second Amendment right to free drive-by shootings, and by the American Automobile Association. A spokesman for the AAA said, "this is outrageous. The right to travel at dangerous speeds on the interstate and then attempt to sue the manufacturer to avoid a speeding ticket is one of the fundamental rights on which our great Land of the Free is based."

Dangerous Dogs Act to be Extended

Feral chavs: neutering would reduce the proliferation of this dangerous animal.

Owners and breeders of dangerous teenagers would have to take out insurance against someone else being attacked, under Government proposals to tackle dangerous breeding.

Police and local councils could also get new powers to force the owners of the worst breeds to muzzle them or even get them neutered.

Ministers say that they are responding to public concern about vicious chavs being used in packs to intimidate or threaten people. There has also been a reported rise in levels of fighting and illegal breeding, particularly by gangs who are using their most dangerous sprogs as status symbols.

Home secretary Alan Johnson said, "the rise in the prevalance of aggressive, poorly-restrained and semi-feral chavs, especially in deprived urban areas, is a matter for concern. While police do their best to control the problem, the budget simply cannot run to sufficient Burberry clothing and Elizabeth Duke jewellery to placate the animals.

"Despite the fact that our legislation has largely removed the concept of 'responsible ownership', we feel that more legislation is necessary to force owners and breeders of chavs to take more care, and get these dangerous beasts off our streets."

Under the proposed rules, parents would be required to take out third-party insurance to cover and compensate for attacks on people or property carried out by the chav in their ownership. The Government is also to consult on mandatory spaying of all female chavs after their third litter, normally by the age of seventeen, as an extension to the Dangerous Dogs Act.

Male chavs would be subject to additional rules including neutering at the onset of puberty for the most dangerous breeds, and muzzling or gagging for all others when in public. Mr Johnson added that these measures would 'reduce the proliferation of these dangerous animals'.

Afghan War Reporting to be Banned

A complete helmet - wearing body armour.

The Government is to introduce new rules on the reporting of the war in Afghanistan during the General Election campaign, following a visit by Prime Minister Gordon Brown to the region.

Under the new rules, all reporting of the conflict is to be banned, and updates on the progress of the war will be provided in a daily radio broadcast by Stalin 'Colostomy' Brown, to ensure that news media do not provide 'defeatist' or negative impressions to the Electorate.

Speaking from his padded cell Cabinet Office, the PM said, "it is right that the British people get clear and correct information from teh Government on the conduct of the war. My appearance at the Chilcot Inquiry made it clear that the Armed Forces are, in fact, a divisive, negative and defeatist influence on the project, determined to project a negative impression that there may be fighting going on. This is, of course, not the case - our troops are on the front line giving Tax Credits to grateful Taliban, and it is right that I report the truth of the matter to the British people, as always.

"It is right that the British people fully understand that I, Gordon Brown, The Saviour of Afghanistan, have committed more money towards defence than any other leader in the history of the world, with a further eleventy-billion pounds in investment promised."

Mr Brown said that the Army were 'pursuing their own agenda', and said that the focus of front-line personnel on 'non-essentials' such as ammunition, body armour and not getting their bollocks blown off by IED's was 'utter nonsense in a modern military'. He added, "our investment in Bullet Quantity Targeting Co-Ordinators, LBGT Taliban Outreach Facilitators and Sand Temperature Monitors is under-reported, yet their statistics are reducing costs and succeeding in implementing a socially-fair war. This information is what the British electorate should be basing their decisions on."

The MoD has confirmed the Government's announcement, and added that all any personnel killed in action during the election campaign would not be repatriated, ensuring that the PM and Defence Secretary, 'Blakey' Ainsworth, can announce that their war of occupation hasn't killed anybody ever. A spokesman for the MoD said that though this was the first time, ever, that the British people would not be given information about a war in which British servicemen were losing their voices as well as their lives, it wasn't about a dishonest, lying, mendacious Government desperately attempting to control the information about a war most of the Electorate don't want. Honest.

Simon Cowell to be Axed in ITV Shakeup

'The Axe Factor': contestants will vie to wipe the smug grin off his face.

ITV have announced that they are to axe Simon Cowell as part of cost-cutting measures in the wake of its annual figures, showing that it has returned to profit.

The broadcaster said that cost-cutting work and an increase in its share of a declining advertising market had led to a pre-tax profit of £25m in 2009, compared with a loss of £2.7bn in 2008.

The plan to axe pop mogul Cowell, along with other senior ITV stars, is part of a plan to change programming and achieve additional cost savings under new Chief Executive Adam Crozier, who takes up the role on 26 April.

The new show, 'The Axe Factor', will head up ITV's revised prime-time Saturday schedule. Members of the public will audition for the right to bury a hatchet into Cowell's face, with a judging panel assessing their efforts for technical merit, depth of penetration, style and distribution of brain matter.

The show's 12-week run will be fronted by ITV stalwarts Ant and Dec - at least until week 11, when they will also face the axe.

Sources for the troubled channel said that they were considering which other 'celebrities' from their stable should face the axe, but added that it was difficult to do so because absolutely everything they produce, ever, is fronted solely by Ant and fucking Dec. However, they confirmed that Louis Walsh, Piers Morgan and anyone who's been on 'Dancing on Ice' or 'I'm a Celebrity...' would all be prime material. The BBC have also offered Jonathan Ross and Alan Carr.

Former 'I'm A Celebrity...' winner and celebrity slut Katie Price said that she would welcome the chance to appear on the new programme, as it's nowhere near the first time she'll have taken a chopper in the face.

UK 'Ready to Mediate' in US Territory Dispute

Friends don't let friends abuse Botox.

The United Kingdom 'stands ready' to mediate in a dispute between the United States and Russia over the ownership of Alaska, Foreign Secretary David Millipede has said.

The announcement follows a statement from US Secretary of State Hilary Thyroid-Imbalance that the United States would assist in the ongoing territorial dispute between the UK and Argentina over the Falkland Islands.

Speaking as she met Argentine President Cristina Fernandez, Mrs Thyroid-Imbalance said, "wWe would like to see Argentina and the UK sit down and resolve the issues between them in a peaceful and productive way."

Mr Millipede said, "we welcome the offer from the United States. However, in return for their offer to get involved in mediation about handing over British territory - territory that is, I should add, British by the choice of its occupants - we would like to offer our services in a similar vein. For example, Alaska was purchased from the Russians for an absurdly cheap price. Obviously the United States views this land as their territory, yet it could be said that Russia has a valid claim. Therefore, the UK stands ready to mediate in negotiations with Russia for the return of this oil-rich land.

"Additionally, We are more than willing to assist in negotiations between Canada and the US over Machias Seal Island, the Northwest Passage and the Strait of Juan de Fuca."

Mr Millipede added, "alternatively, the Secretary of State could realise that we have managed this issue perfectly well before without the assistance of the world's policeman, and she might like to keep her pointy proboscis well and truly out of British affairs and British territory."