The announcement follows a statement from US Secretary of State Hilary Thyroid-Imbalance that the United States would assist in the ongoing territorial dispute between the UK and Argentina over the Falkland Islands.
Speaking as she met Argentine President Cristina Fernandez, Mrs Thyroid-Imbalance said, "wWe would like to see Argentina and the UK sit down and resolve the issues between them in a peaceful and productive way."
Mr Millipede said, "we welcome the offer from the United States. However, in return for their offer to get involved in mediation about handing over British territory - territory that is, I should add, British by the choice of its occupants - we would like to offer our services in a similar vein. For example, Alaska was purchased from the Russians for an absurdly cheap price. Obviously the United States views this land as their territory, yet it could be said that Russia has a valid claim. Therefore, the UK stands ready to mediate in negotiations with Russia for the return of this oil-rich land.
"Additionally, We are more than willing to assist in negotiations between Canada and the US over Machias Seal Island, the Northwest Passage and the Strait of Juan de Fuca."
Mr Millipede added, "alternatively, the Secretary of State could realise that we have managed this issue perfectly well before without the assistance of the world's policeman, and she might like to keep her pointy proboscis well and truly out of British affairs and British territory."