The Royal College of Physicians has called for the measures as part of a full review into the health impacts of secondary children on the population including noise pollution, increased accident and illness rates, and the increased incidence of frustration, depression and bankruptcy.
An RCP report says that secondary children are responsible for over 20,000 minor injuries and some 22,000 cases of hypertension, as well as 200 fiscal heart-attacks and at least 20 cases of rage-related aneurysms per year. It claims child-related illnesses in adults account for more than 300,000 visits per year to GPs, and cost the NHS eleventy-billion pounds.
Dr Isay Banitall, of the RCP, said, "it is high time that a full, in-depth research project was carried out into the health implications of children. For example, our initial figures indicate that the presence of two arguing sprogs in the back of your car is a greater risk to concentration and awareness than being twice the legal drink-drive limit, and even more damaging than using a mobile phone, which we already know is more socially-unacceptable than paedophilia and is probably carcinogenic too. The presence of children in a vehicle make the likelihood of serious injury, from turning around to separate the two fighting kids and running up the arse of the poor sod in front of you, some 43.7% higher than when the occupants of the car are all adults.
"It is also difficult to quantify the secondary effects of children in other areas - for example, there is some evidence to indicate that the presence of screaming, uncontrolled brats in pub restaurants is directly linked to almost a million cases of hearing loss and indigestion. We would therefore recommend the imposition of a 'child area', outside the building and well clear of the entrances, where those who wish to have children can congregate."
A Department of Health spokesman welcomed the RCP report, and said that the upcoming Budget would continue to apply tax increases with the long-term goal of making children completely unacceptable in public. However, he acknowledged that a blanket ban on children, however desirable, would be neither practically, politically nor fiscally possible.