On Friday morning, the machine - the worlds biggest physics experiment - created two beams of protons, each with an energy of 3.5 trillion electron volts. The effort breaks the prior record, set in December, of just over a trillion electron volts in each beam.
Speaking from his
"The next phase of our plan is to bring the beams together, a bit like that bit in 'Ghostbusters' but without the ectoplasm. We will then increase the voltages of the beams, smashing protons together in ever-more-powerful collisions until we discover Higson's Bassoon. Or destroy the space-time continuinuinuumumum. Either way, it should be fun!"
Mr Ensswonk added that the LHC expected to replicate conditions at the very instant of the Big Bang by next Thursday, and were confident that, with the provision of additional funding, could create a black hole sufficient to swallow large parts of the known Solar System by early May.
The news has been met with great excitement by followers of earth-destroying sciences and apocalypse-watchers, who have urged CERN to confirm the date they intend to end life as we know it. One long-time apocalypse-watcher said, "I've spent thirty years wandering around with 'The End Of The World Is Nigh' on my sandwich board, it'll be nice to know when I'm going to be right."