Following the excesses of the Hard-Line Labour movement post 1979, and successive Election defeats under Michael Foot and Neil Kinnock, a growing faction within Labour realised that without change they would be relegated to a footnote in political history.
EARLY DAYS
The movement, meeting in secret under the guise of Commons committees, called itself the Guardians of International Truth and Socialism, or G.I.T.S. They were led by a hard-core of militants, chief among them Tony 'Rictus' Blair and Gordon 'Cyclops' Brown. They were supported by a dangerous cabal of former communists, agitators and political assassins such as Peter 'Felchie' Mandelson and John 'Chunders' Prescott.
Another key conspirator was David 'All-Seeing-Eye' Blunkett, who inspired the group of malcontents with 'visions' of their ultimate success, which he claimed he was receiving from his dog.
Every member of this cabal believed fervently in the democratic principles espoused by Stalin and Kim-Jong-Il, and were passionately committed to a new Britain, under sound One Party, One Vote principles and with unassailable Tractor Manufacturing statistics developed by a succession of new Five-Year Plans. These plans were tentatively named 'The Golden Rules', and linked to their fledgling fiscal policy.
This group of young turks desired to bring Britain back to the glory days of the Winter of Discontent, and developed a methodology to do so including the collapse of the Pound, totalitarian legislation and the removal of faith in the British Banking System.
THE QUESTION OF LEADERSHIP
But who was to be the leader - the head GIT - to take Britain on its first, hesitant steps into a glorious new past?
This thorny question was finally resolved over a Michelin-starred meal at swanky Islington restaurant Granita between Blair and Brown. While Blair poked dejectedly at his lentil bake, Brown made the situation clear - that he was, and would always be, the biggest GIT in the group and it was he that would have overall, lasting power. However, as a sweetener and to ensure the initial succession of the GITS into Government, Brown permitted Blair to hold power for the first ten years, with Brown holding the purse strings.
In order to implement their vision of Utopia, the GITS first had to gain power within the Labour movement. A plot was hatched for the assassination of then-Leader John Smith using a poisoned halibut, but this was rendered unnecessary when Mr Smith fortuitously died leaving the head of the new movement unchallenged for a move on the Leadership.
It was at this point that the GITS decided to keep the name of their organisation secret, and instead to utilise the Labour name in order to improve their electoral chances. They therefore struck on the compromise name of 'New Labour' to take to the electorate.
POWER ACHIEVED
The next big achievement came with the 1997 General Election. A populace now tired of the lengthy Tory Government, and swayed by the good looks and easy soundbites of 'Rictus' Blair, voted the GITS in by a landslide. The first move of their campaign was completed.
Yet there was still so much more to be done. Simply gaining power was only a first step on a long path to the destruction of a nation.
Still acting in secret, the GITS formed a new sub-organisation called the National Unity Team for Socialism And Change (N.U.T.S.A.C). They made the same decision as with their Party name, opting instead to call the NUTSACs the Cabinet.
Over the next ten years, the groundwork was carefully laid by both GITS and NUTSACs, carefully steered from behind the scenes by Chief GIT Brown. Gold was sold off, pension funds carefully emptied, and taxes increased in anticipation of the inevitable cyclical recession. Additionally, 'Cyclops' Brown's strategic masterstroke was combining an increase in national debt with a complementary increase in personal debt. This allowed the GITS to hide their plans for economic cataclysm behind a veneer of economic growth.
With the economic conditions now ripe for the desired collapse, the GITS then turned to the second phase of their plan - the implementation of a totalitarian state. The problem, though, was how to implement the laws to bring this new Stalinist future about, without angering the electorate.
Luck was on the side of the GITS. They were aided by their colleagues in Iran and Iraq who helpfully provided some spare suicide bombers to blow themselves up, thus laying the groundwork for a raft of new legislation on ID Cards, CCTV, DNA and communications monitoring.
The Cabinet NUTSACs did their jobs to perfection during this time, ensuring that there was sufficient spin in the publicity about any legislation to slide it past the public with a minimum of outcry.
A FOREIGN FOE
In 2003 the GITS suffered their first real scare, when their plans were at risk of being revealed. Former co-conspirator Saddam Hussein was threatening to reveal details of high-level negotiations about the provision of terrorists to Britain, and claimed to have copies of the discussion documents. Clearly this would have jeopardised the GITS plans. However, fortune came to their aid again in the shape of a US President with learning difficulties who thought that Hussein had said something rude about his Daddy.
Covert GITs in the Intelligence services provided the NUTSACs with fabricated evidence, allowing the Government GITS to go to war in Iraq supported by the US President (who had been convinced by this time that Iraq was actually a movie set and he'd get to meet Sylvester Stallone). The documents implicating the GITS were recovered, and Hussein permanently silenced.
POWER ASSURED
By 2005, the GITS were solidly entrenched at all levels of power. Ably supported by the NUTSACs, and with propaganda assistance assured by the unique way the BBC is funded, the GITS were able to brave a General Election.
BBC coverage making a left-hook from 'Chunders' Prescott the most important moment of the campaign, and the judicious use of the 'dumbing-down' principles previously so effective at neutralising education as a source of dissent, ensured that the GITS could reduce turnout to 40%. This meant that they were able to hold control despite only 26% of the electorate actually voting for them.
The result was a major coup for the GITS. By engendering complete distate for politics within the electorate, the final stages of their plan for a Brave New World could be put into action, secure in the knowledge that most of the population would be more interested in who won the X-Factor.
ENDGAME
By 2007, all the pieces of the GITS grand plan were in place. 'Felchie' Mandelson had been despatched to Europe, and his mission to reduce Britain's standing and sympathy in the European countries had been a resounding success. Blair was therefore able to stand down, as agreed all those years before, and the NUTSACs elevated Brown to the head of Government without a troublesome election process.
2007 was also a key year for the GITS in other ways, as the economic cycle was fast turning to the point for which they'd waited so long - recession. As 2007 faded into 2008, the economic storm clouds started to loom on the horizon. GITS and NUTSACs alike watched, and waited, then rejoiced as the storm broke.
Over late 2008, Britain's banking system suffered a series of calamitous collapses. Unemployment began to spiral out of control, and GITS in the Trades Union Movement began to take their actions to precipitate further unrest. Other GITS in high places, supported by the NUTSACs, took action against Sterling, with the whole bounded by increased use of 'anti-terror' legislation by local government GITS.
This was Chief GIT Brown's high point, and he could not resist a small mention of his achivement in noting that he had "saved the world", which comment was - thankfully for him - mistaken for a lapsus linguae by the electorate at large.
This brings us to the present day. We are still ruled by complete GITS, and our Cabinet are a bunch of NUTSACs. And there's nothing left that we can do about it.
