Rambling Rant

It's a long one this morning. Buckle up.

Firstly, dear Reader, my apologies for the lack of Blog posts yesterday. This laxity was caused by a confluence of circumstances, the nature of which leads me to today's rambling tirade.

So the first Blog-preventing problem was with a Windows server. Thankfully not one of ours, but unsurprisingly, once things started to go a little hinky, we were asked to take a look. One Windows server. Public-facing IP, with a secondary interface providing pretty near total access to the internal networks of $LARGEPUBLICSECTORENTITY. Win 2k, SP4 but otherwise unpatched, no AV software. Three variants of Conficker hiding on there, doing their virusy thang. Oh, and a keylogger, just for shits and giggles.

Why? What form of dementia leads a company just to leave such an important machine unprotected and unpatched? It's some form of IT-related lunacy, worthy of the computing equivalent of a Darwin award. The only upside is the ability to laugh at the client for the (undoubtedly huge) infection and security problems they will have suffered as a result. Costly. The Bastard in me rejoices at what will be an expensive and salutory lesson.

So the morning was spent doing what I could do remotely to get this steaming hulk of infected junk into some small semblance of order. The afternoon would have been spent the same - had I not suffered, from out of the blue, rampaging and violent toothache. Said toothache was so bad, so awful, that it left me no choice but to ring round and find a dentist to register with, and make an emergency appointment.

Tell you what - if you have a couple of terror suspects and you want to know where the bomb's planted, forget extraordinary rendition. Forget waterboarding, rubber hoses, stress positions, bulldog clips and a spot of voltage to the testicles. Why spend outrageous sums flying your detainees to far-flung countries with dubious human-rights records?

Abu Ghraib? Camp X-Ray? Pointlessly expensive. You'll gain more information from a slightly-built middle-aged man in a white coat and surgical mask. Stick 'em in a dentists' chair and let these modern-day descendants of Torquemada do their job. You'll have the information in no time. And what's with that chair? Why not go the whole fucking hog and have shackles at the wrist and ankle? I was half expecting the dentist to say, "Talk? No, Mr Geekin, I expect you to die"!

There's only one reason people become dentists. It's because they like inflicting pain with very small, very sharp implements. And leaning on people's jaws so that they 'open wide'. Of course I'm open as wide as I can be - you've got a metric buttload of mirrors, picks and other assorted gubbins shoved halfway down my throat. Why say, "open wide", you sadistic shit - it's not like I can answer anyway, and even if I could open wider you'd just shove more of your torture implements in.

Anyway, long story short, a temporary fix is in and, in a joyous and exciting development, I have to have surgery to remove an impacted wisdom tooth. Aren't I just the picture of luck. But at least the pain's gone, and so this morning it was back to the fray and back to the office. Which brings me neatly to the third mini-rant of this meandering missive.

Dear Vale of White Horse District Council. Thank you, you bunch of Council Cretins, for making a 9 mile journey take so long. It's 0.5 miles from my front door to the open road. Since you started your road changes, that part of the trip takes 20 FUCKING MINUTES. You have your wizened, elderly, half-blind traffic surveyors sitting on the same fucking corner week after week, and 50 yards away from that corner it's taking me 10 minutes just to turn right onto the main road, because your fucked-up filter system only allows 3 cars at a time from the main feed off the A34 into the town centre, yet the opposite direction allows 5 minutes of traffic per light change, a significant portion of which is unused.

So we've got free-flowing traffic coming OUT of town, a 2-mile queue on the only main road IN, no enforcement of the box junctions meaning they get blocked, and I end up trying to turn right into static traffic with everyone desperately staring forward, suffering tunnel vision, not daring to allow anyone out of side turnings in case they miss the microscopic window when the sodding lights in that direction are green.

Add to that the stupid frequency of pedestrian crossings in the middle of the loop, which are, of course, not phased with the main traffic lights, and the resultant chaos is something of which Greenpeace would be proud. Your incessant tinkering with the routes and flows of traffic has, on every single occasion, made things significantly worse, yet you continue to park that fucking Skoda on the corner of Ock Street and Stratton Way and watch the vehicular carnage you've created. Please, VWHDC, set yourselves on fire. I would set you on fire myself - but I'm stuck in traffic. Again.

And now, here I am, back in the office. And what's top of my queue? Oh yes, that virus-infected pile of putrid junk masquerading as a Windoze server.

It's already been a long and painful week. Looks like the forecast is for more of the same. Pass the hand grenades.

UPDATE:

My mobile phone has decided to start playing up, the buyer for my Vectra has just dropped out, and my BT DSL connection has decided to start losing synch when it rains. This is DEFINITELY not a good week.

I'm considering making a human sacrifice to appease the Ghods. If anyone has any nominations, please let me know.

New Speed Limits Introduced

A new Road Safety campaign has been launched by the Government today, with the stated aim of jointly reducing both the accident rate and offsetting rising unemployment.

Following the success of the Government's Think!! speed-reduction campaign and the introduction of 20mph 'Safe Zones', Road Minister Jim Fitzpatrick has announced that the scheme is to be expanded in scope and legislation.

Under the terms of the new laws, the maximum speed on most of Britain's roads will be reduced to 4mph, and all cars are to be preceded by a man waving a red flag in order to warn other road users and pedestrians.

The 4mph limit will be enforced by a nationwide network of average speed cameras, backed by a login system installed on the driveway of every house in the country. Any journey that exceeds 4mph average for its entirety will be subject to a fine of £60 per minute based on the differential between the actual time taken and the projected time at the new speed limit.

Mr Fitzpatrick said, "we know that if a child is struck by a car at 40mph they have an 80% chance of being killed. If struck at 30mph, there's an 80% chance they'll live. By reducing the speed limit, nationwide, to 4mph we can be certain that there will never be another fatal accident on Britain's roads - and the fine system will ensure that we have plenty of revenue to invest in our new retail banking business".

The Minister also explained that the draconian speed limit would not apply on motorways, where once a toll had been paid drivers could accelerate all the way to 15mph. He also added that the sending of text messages while driving would now become legal, as long as the sender could prove Labour Party membership.

While road safety groups and Guardian readers have welcomed the new plans, they have not met with universal approval. Top Gear presenter and renowned petrolhead Jeremy Clarkson said, "It's just another [CENSORED] attack by the [CENSORED] [CENSORED] Government, who [CENSORED] think that they're [CENSORED] when, as far as I'm [CENSORED] concerned, they can [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] with knobs on".

New Banking Minister Appointed

Following the announcement that the Government is to take majority control of the Lloyds Bank group, it has been announced that a new Minister for Retail Banking has been appointed.

The Government now owns approximately 65% of the troubled group, which inherited massive debts from HBOS following its enforced takeover last year. When combined with its ownership of both Northern Rock and RBS, this now leaves the Government as the UK's largest retail banking consortium, and Business Secretary Dark Lord Mandelson said, "as we're now owning the proles involved in the retail sector, it's only right that there is a Minister appointed to fully explain the impact of this to the sheep people".

The new Retail Banking Minister is Halifax Howard, who described his new role as 'humbling'. He added, "this will be a new path for me, but in many ways it's more of the same. I'm pretty used to spouting misleading bollocks from a failing organisation, having done it for Halifax for years".

Mandelson Nominated for BAFTA

Mandelson and Deen during filming of 'Custard Connivances'

Business Secretary Lord Mandelson has been nominated for a BAFTA award for services to comedy, it was announced this morning.

The British Academy of Film and Television Arts is to present Mandelson with a special award. He is to be honoured jointly with Leila Deen, in honour of their recent collaboration on the short film 'Custard Connivances'.

Senior Academy Judge Richard Attenborough said, "we've always known that darling Peter was part of a wonderful comedy double act, playing the perfect Tommy Cannon to the lovely Gordon Brown's zany Bobby Ball. But with this latest masterwork, we can see Peter's wonderful talent for physical comedy, worthy of Oliver Hardy or, dare I say it, even the great Chaplin himself".

This is the second BAFTA award to be won by a member of the Labour Government. Prime Minister Gordon Brown was recently awarded a Best Actor BAFTA for his portrayal of a half-blind, malformed scruffy, deluded fantasist who believes himself to be a world statesman - a performance described by the academy as 'on a par with Olivier's Richard III'.

Ms Deen was unavailable for comment on her upcoming award, as she is currently banged up in Belmarsh awaiting execution for terrorism offences.

A Letter to this Morning's Protester

Dear Anonymous Environmental Protester

Firstly, please allow me to offer my heartfelt congratulations for a marvelous act this morning. Your 'gunging' of Lord Mandelson brought a smile to my face, and turned this ordinary Friday into A Good Day.

However, in a spirit of solidarity and comradeship, I do feel honour-bound to offer a small spot of advice for future attempts.

Green custard - yes, I can see the symbolism. But come on - chucking a tin of Birds with a bit of food colouring hardly achieves the potential result, does it? All it does is give the Dark Lord of the Sith a handy snack he can lap up with his forked tongue. Gunge is good, in its place - but this is a protest, not a CBBC game show.

So, please permit me to offer the following suggestions for future dousings:

• Aqua Regis is a mix of concentrated nitric and hydrochloric acid, and even attacks gold. When applying it to Lord Mandelson, please remember to sing the popular hymn 'What A Friend We Have In Regis';
• There are many, many versions of homemade napalm available on the internet. When combined with a simple incendiary - even a simple match - many conflagratory chuckles can be achieved;
• Please do remember, this is not a human being - this is The Dark Lord himself, king of the undead ranks of New Liebore. Consider garlic essence mixed with Holy Water for best results;
• A simple yet effective flamethrower can be made from a simple aerosol can and a lighter - though I do appreciate that you may wish to avoid the environmental impacts of deodorant propellant;
• Finally - if the colour is important, perhaps mixing food colouring with weedkiller to create a highly-toxic 'spray paint' might be an option? You get your point across, and we get the desired result.

So all in all, the Dungeekin Judging Panel has awarded you points as follows:

10 for Style: an excellent attempt, brilliantly getting past his guard for a full-face delivery;
6 for Technical Merit: See my helpful points above for methods to increase your future score;
9 for Execution: You'd have got a full 10 if you'd actually executed the slimy bastard.

Well done. Good try, and I look forward to seeing a steady improvement in methods, materials and maiming in future.

Yours respectfully

Dungeekin

(h/t Old Holborn for the screengrab)

Mandelson Splashed!

BUWAAAHAAHAAAHAAAAA!! Couldn't happen to a nicer person.

Still, I very much doubt it's the first time he's had a load of stuff all over his face.

Hole In The Pound

Another crack at a Bernard Cribbins classic.

Welll.......
There they were
Digging this hole
Hole in the Pound
The Footsie goin' down it was
And there we were, digging in deep
With the cost of living getting pretty steep
When along came this bloke known as Gordon
And he saw us and scratched his head
Well, he ignored the hole, the poor demented soul
And he said...

"I'm getting on with the jobbie. . ."

Tax here and there,
Take all you have spare,
We'll tax and we'll spend till your pockets are bare,
The economy's strong,
The Tories wrong,
And you can't vote us out coz it's here we belong.


Well....
There we were
Stuck in this hole
Trying to work for what little it was worth, we were
And there was him
Standing up there
Half-blind and moronic spouting loads of hot air
So we gave him a look sorta sideways
And as one the Electorate sighed
Well, we all know things are bad
And knowing Gordon's mad,
We replied...

It's you we can't bear,
Get out of our hair,
We don't want to be taxed till our pockets are bare,
And you may disagree,
But we can see,
You're the one who wrecked the whole economy.


Well.....
There they were, digging this hole
Hole in the Pound, the FTSE going down it was,
It's still down now, the economy's flat
And we can't wait till the day we get rid of that Twat.

And that's that.

Quiz of the Week

Yes, it's time for another Quiz of the Week, because it was so stunningly successful last time.**

As always, I'll provide the answers, and the winner will be the commenter who provides the funniest questions.

The answers for this week are:

1. In Gordon Brown's right sock;

2. Under the Governor's sofa in Threadneedle Street;

3. Behind the third bush from the left on Hampstead Heath at midnight;

4. In the Oval Office;

5. On Jade Goody's dressing table.

Please leave your questions in the Comments section.

Special attention will be given to responses supplied on large-denomination UK banknotes. Fifties for preference. Or engraved on gold bars, as it's a safer currency. More risque offers will be entertained from female readers, male readers should address those offers c/o Lord Mandelson of Foy & Hartlepool, Trough House of Lords, London.

**or not.

BREAKING NEWS: City of London Hit by Power Cut

The City of London has this morning been hit by a massive power cut, blacking out most of the Square Mile's financial institutions and leaving bankers and traders unable to work.

The power cut is believed to have been caused by every single one of the Bank of England's printing presses going into overdrive simultaneously.

Under the BoE's new Quantitive Easing policy, all the new banknotes created will have an extra zero added - the £5 becoming £50, the £10 becoming £100 and so on. A spokesman for the Monetary Policy Committee said that they were introducing the new policy 'based on the successes of Quantitive Easing in Zimbabwe'.

The power cut in the City has so far caused no major problems, given that the banks and the Stock Exchange are all too screwed and skint actually to do anything. The only personnel affected are those currently counting Sir Fred Goodwin's monthly pension payout.

Jacko Announces New Contract with O2 Arena

Veteran entertainer Michael Jackson has announced a new two-year contract with the O2 Arena, squashing speculation he was to work in Las Vegas or Dubai.

In what has been announced as a 'major coup' for the venue, Jackson, 50, will take on the role of Children's Party Co-Ordinator at the O2.

No details have been released as yet, but Jackson, who had a string of slumber parties at his Neverland ranch in the 1980s and 1990s, is expected to introduce radical new events including his favourite games 'Don't Stop Till I've Had Enough' and, of course, 'Bedtime for Bubbles'. Reports the arena is stockpiling 'Jesus Juice' for Jackson's little friends remain unconfirmed.

The announcement of the contract is a major boost for the O2, as it had been expected that Jackson would take on the role of Child Protection Officer for the Bellagio Casino in Las Vegas. He will also have responsibility for hiring his own support staff, and it is believed that Jonathan King is to be interviewed by Jackson shortly.

In a separate development, the O2 have also announced the appointment of Gary Glitter as a joint Creche Manager and Far-East Liaison Officer. Mr Glitter welcomed the position, saying it combined two of his favourite activities.

Sharp Increase in GDP Reported

PM Gordon Brown with leaking trousers, met by tissue-wielding Protocol Officer.

The UK Government has today reported a sharp increase in GDP following the Prime Minister's meeting with US President Barack Obama yesterday.

In an impromptu press conference held in the cubicles of a Westminster public convenience, Business Secretary Lord Mandelson said, "I'm delighted to announce that GDP for the first quarter of 2009 has risen an amazing 34% compared to Q1 2008". Pausing to fellate a fellow cottager, he then added, "I'm sure you'll agree that this is sterling work by the Prime Minister and should be recognised as such".

Downing Street sources said that the vast majority of the increase in Gordon's Dung Production came yesterday morning, when the Prime Mentalist suffered a loss of continence while en route to the White House.

Acting quickly, the Prime Miniser used his socks to prevent leakage, and White House Protocol Officer Gladys Buloda was thankfully on-hand to offer toilet paper (seen in the White House Publicity image above) and to whisk the PM off to empty his trousers and shower before meeting the President.

As can be seen from the second image below, the Prime Minister was clearly still suffering sphincter-control issues on meeting President Obama, and White House sources have said the resulting carpet stains will cost in excess of $50,000 to remove.

The PM crosses his legs to prevent leaks - but it's too late, the carpet's wrecked.

This is not the first instance a British PM has suffered in pursuit of international relations. In 2008 Gordon Brown suffered a spontaneous emission upon attempting to kiss German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and in 2003 the Foreign Office were stuck with a large cleaning bill after Tony Blair failed to swallow sufficiently quickly for George W Bush.

The Government Cometh

Updating the Flanders & Swann classic for a modern age.

Twas on the Monday morning that the Council came to call.
And said they had to talk about my new back garden wall,
I hadn't been assessed by their own Health & Safety man,
So they told me to rebuild it and they then fined me a grand!

Oh it's all New Labour who are doing this to you!

And it's on the Tuesday morning that the DVLA write,
Said they'd caught me doing 30 in a '20 zone' last night,
Sent me photos from their cameras and I felt such a berk,
And to pay my fine, I sold the car and took the bus to work.

Oh it's all New Labour who are doing this to you!

Twas on the Wednesday morning that my employer called,
And he told me the Recession had sent him to the wall,
He said that he was sorry, but he'd have to let me go,
So I couldn't pay the mortgage, as I hadn't got the dough.

Oh it's all New Labour who are doing this to you!

Twas on the Thursday morning that the bank was on the phone,
Said they're gonna have to repossess and take away my home,
They said they were restructuring to save their pension pot,
No cash, no car, no job, no home - I'd lost the fucking lot.

Oh it's all New Labour who are doing this to you!

Twas on the Friday morning that the bailiffs kicked the door,
Took everything I owned and left me sitting on the floor,
The Government had left me without anything at all
And all I had to sit on were the bricks from my back wall!

On Saturday and Sunday
I rebuilt my garden wall...

And...twas on the Monday morning that the Council came to call!

Mister Humphries, Are You Free?

"I'm Free!"

(h/t Obnoxio for the pic)

British Vagrant Arrested in White House

Police image of the arrested vagrant.

A man has been arrested in Washington DC after allegedly attempting to enter the White House claiming to be a British politician.

According to US State Department officials the man, who was scruffily-dressed and appeared to have psychological problems, was intercepted by Secret Service Agents while trying to climb into the White House through the window to the Lincoln Bedroom.

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said, "the man was wearing a suit that appeared unpressed, had a strange stare with a wonky eye, and his lower jaw appeared to be incorrectly hinged. He resisted arrest by Secret Service Agents, claiming to be 'a world statesman' and 'the saviour of the world', and alleged he was entitled to a joint Press Conference with His Holiness the President because - and I quote - 'that fucker Tony got one, I'm the world's greatest economist, I should get one too'".

Mr Emanuel stressed that at no time was the safety or security of the President in doubt.

Sources within the Washington Metro PD have indicated that the person - who is believed to be an insane vagrant - is claiming to be the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. He is to be held in the DC County Jail until his identity can be verified.

Foreign Office officials are reported to have visited the man, and Foreign Secretary David Millibland said, "we believe it will take several months - even years - to prove that this man is who he says he is". Rubbing his hands with glee, he added, "won't that be a shame".

A Letter to Myself

Dear Self

So many times, you've mocked stupidity and the actions of lusers - ill-considered actions, dumb questions, staggering cretinosity, idiocy worthy of a Darwin Award.

And yet, today, you have managed to achieve your own act of spectacular stupidity that you, too, are worthy of The Wrath of Dungeekin.

I know that 0715 is early. I know that you're busy, and harried, and there's a lot going on. And given that the potential buyer is coming to test-drive the Vectra this afternoon, it was with the best of intentions that you thought to take it to the garage and put some fuel in it.

In retrospect, however, it might have been worth remembering you weren't in The Silver Beast - you were in a diesel Vectra. 8 litres of unleaded does not improve the running of a diesel engine.

(Cue phone call to The Darling G, phone call to local garage, purchase of towing cable, towage of Vectra to garage, signing of job sheet and pending Credit Card Ouch.)

So that's you, Dungeekin, guilty of being a Distracted Dunce and performing an act of monumental moronity worthy of the myriad lusers you so despise. Nice one.

You know the drill. You know what the punishment is for incurring The Wrath. Self-immolation is the only possible punishment. Please, therefore, set yourself on fire.

Love and kisses

Yourself.

Warcraft to be Class A Drug

Popular computer game World of Warcraft is more addictive than cocaine, experts have warned.

In a report by Sweden's Youth Care Foundation, addiction therapists have described it as 'the most dangerous game on the market', pointing to the case of a 15-year-old boy who collapsed and went into convulsions after playing it solidly for 24 hours.

In a joint statement, Health Secretary Alan Johnson and Business Secretary Lord Vader Mandelson expressed their concern at the report, and announced new legislation to classify World of Warcraft as a Class A drug under the Controlled Substances Act.

Mr Johnson said, "we must ensure that people are protected from the risks of video games, therefore we are instituting our standard narcotics controls on World of Warcraft. We are classifying it as a 'Class A' drug this week, and will then vacillate between Classes A, B and C over the next six months, ensuring that we disregard any scientific advice, before quietly dropping the whole matter".

Campaigner Ms Hilary Dour, of pressure group Action Against Anything At All, welcomed the Government accouncement, saying, "we must take action against not just these terrible, destructive games, but also against the so-called stores which are, we now know, purveyors of horrific addictive substances. Won't somebody please think of the children?".

A seven-day amnesty is to be launched, during which time gamers may deposit their copies of the now-proscribed game in special bins outside police stations and PC World. After this time, anyone caught in possession of an avatar may be liable for up to five years' imprisonment.

In a separate development, the UK offices of Blizzard software - the makers and pushers of WoW - were raided today in a joint operation between Police and Customs officers. Fourteen people were arrested and charged with making and supplying a banned substance, and copies of Warcraft with a street value in excess of £2 million were seized.

Customs officials were unavailable for comment, as they were trying to beat their fastest time on Minesweeper.

Government to Introduce Retrospective Pension Law

Brown and Harman welcoming the trucks carrying their pension cash.

Leader of the House of Commons Harridan Harperson has said that it is unacceptable that members of the Proletariat should have personal pensions, following the outcry over the massive payout to former RBS chairman Sir Fred Goodwin.

SPeaking on the Andrew Marr show, Mzzzzz Harperson said, "it is just not right that people who aren't MPs have pensions other than the State payout. The Prime Minister has said it's not acceptable, and therefore it will not be accepted".

She added, "Proles should not count on being better of with their pension because it is not going to happen".

The Government intends to introduce laws to retrospectively strip private pension holders of their funds, with the money passing into Government ownership. All pensions will be provided by the Government at standard State Pension rates, and the new law would also render null and void any contract signed by Government since 1997, allowing Gordon Brown to ignore, or default on, any other payments he doesn't like much without fear of legal redress.

Chancellor Alistair Darling also welcomed the plan, adding that once they'd tweaked through this retrospective law, he planned to introduce an increase in the Basic Rate of income tax to 33%, retrospectively backdated to the 1998 Budget. Mr Darling said, "by doing this we can ensure that the Government's finances are returned to sufficient levels to ensure that our own copper-bottomed, gold-plated and mink-lined pension pots remain full".

Reports that the Government are to implement legislation retrospectively banning Elections and Opposition Parties were dismissed by Mzzz Harperson, who added, "we wouldn't do anything like that. Well, not this week anyway".

"Right", Said Fred

To the tune of the Bernard Cribbins classic.

"Right" said Fred, "I'm the bloody chairman
If RBS is fucked I'll have to go"
He went softly, gave up on his money
But he kept 'is pension
And so we had a media frenzy

"Right" said Fred, "Now I've quit the comp'ny
13 grand a week will have to do
Take it easy, no need to be thrifty
Coz I've got my pension"
And so we had a media frenzy

And Gordon had a think and he thought he ought to get the bank he'd rescued
To check they'd not been too screwed
But the Board all said they were happy to pay Fred

"All right," said Fred, "time to put my feet up
With my pension I've got loadsa dough."
Board had screwed up, media threw their arms up
Should have blocked his pension, but no!
So Fred said, "give me a massive monthly cheque."
The Board said, "right-o."

And Gordon had a think, and he said, "Look, Fred,
I'll give the job to Prescott
And we'll sue you for the whole lot
If you don't want flak you should pay your pension back."

"Right," said Fred, " Have to take you all down,
So I'll write and tell you where to go."
Prove the Gov'ment had approved the payment
So I'll keep my pension"
And so we had a media frenzy.

"Right," said Fred, pulling out a pencil
With one letter gave a mighty blow.
Board's in trouble, Myners prob'ly double, more of Labour's misdeeds come home,
But Fred's scot-free 'cept for on the BBC
And so we went home.

Masters of Spin

(with apologies to Bob Dylan, but I think he'll understand)

Now you masters of spin
You have stolen and robbed
You created Recession
Lost us money and jobs
You who saddled us all
With a mountain of debt
I just want you to know
I can see through your mask

You never did nothing
But cheat and destroy
You play with my rights
Like they're your little toy
You invaded Iraq
And good servicemen died
Yet invoked FOI
When the people asked WHY.

Like Judas of old
You lie and deceive
UK debt is low
You want me to believe
But I see through your lies
And I see through your brain
Like I see through the water
That runs down my drain

You write legislation
That makes us less free
Then you sit back and watch
Us on CCTV
You've acted like Stalin
You think that it's good
That you stole Rights for which
Our forefathers shed blood

You've taken our money
And promised us more
But your targets and Quango's
Have delivered fuck all
All the taxes you've taken
And the money you've spent
Yet our country's been wrecked
By its own Government

Let me ask you one question
Is your Power that good
Will you get re-elected?
Did you work for OUR good?
I think you will find
When we go to the Polls
You'll be thrown out of office
And into the cold

And I hope that we vote
And that vote will come soon
I will follow the polling
In the pale afternoon
And I'll watch while as New Labour
Goes to its deathbed
And I'll piss on its grave
And be glad that it's dead

A Letter to Jack Straw

Dear Mister Justice Secretary

Thank you for an eloquent and detailed piece in today's Grauniad. It's just a shame that it is misleading, inaccurate, and, quite frankly, outright wrong.

Your Regime, sir - I refuse to dignify it with the status of 'Government', for that implies a legitimacy you do not deserve - has coldly, systematically, and cynically ripped long-held rights from the people of a Nation who have, on several occasions, stood to the world as a bulwark of freedom.

There is no need to detail all the encroachments on our rights, as others will already have done so. But let us just remind ourselves of the broad strokes:

• ID Cards;
• Ever-increasing DNA and Biometric databases;
• Detailed and centralised database structures;
• 'Communications endpoint monitoring', to use your charming little phrase;
• 42-days detention;
• Removal of the right to legitimate protest in the vicinity of Parliament;
• One CCTV Camera per 15 Citizens, plus police ANPR systems and police drone aircraft;
• The arrest of a member of Her Majesty's Opposition, simply for holding the Regime to account;
• 'Stop and search' rules that have seen hundreds of thousands stopped, for no result;
• 'Anti-Terror' legislation used to freeze Icelandic funds, to monitor bin collections and covertly monitor school applicants;
• Section 76 of the CounterTerrorism Act, making it illegal to photograph a police officer;
• Every email sent and received in this country to be retained.

That's just a short precis of the number of new measures implemented by the Regime. Laventiy Beria must be smiling at the brilliance of his pupils.

You claim, Sir, to be "seeking better protection for citizens from terrorism and crime". The British people, Mister Justice Secretary, need no such protection. We have experienced crime and terror before, with a greater number of incidents, yet we had no ID cards then - and the Internment laws made things worse. Yet you believe that ID Cards and 42-Day Detention are relevant now, despite the repeated statements from experts that neither will help. I am, of course, removing the politicised Police from my definition of 'expert'.

You say, 'even were it true there is a mechanism to prevent it - democratic elections.' Yet the sad fact is, many people no longer believe we will GET an election. I personally believe that your Regime has finessed so much power for itself that it will not relinquish its grip without a fight. I believe we will see the imposition of the Civil Contingencies Act 2004 to delay, and subsequently remove, our right to vote.

The Labour Party repeatedly trumpets the phrase 'democracy'. I am, as ever, struck that those who claim the word the most, are those least likely to have it. The Peoples Democratic Republic of North Korea. The Democratic Republic of Congo. The German Democratic Republic.

You and the rest of your Regime have enriched yourselves on the back of our taxes, and removed our rights to protest, to travel freely, to communicate without suspicion - even our right to walk down the street without a demand from the Fingermen for our papers.

In eleven short years, you have managed to do something no outside force has achieved - kill British Freedom, which had survived since 1215.

Hang your heads in shame. Resign. Leave before the British people do what is desperately needed, and remove you from your stranglehold on power.

I have the unfortunate privilege to remain, Sir

Your Disobedient Taxpayer

Spinners, Cheats and Thieves

(with apologies to Cher)

You were born in '97 with a lot of hot air,
Populised by the grinning of Blair,
You came into power like you knew you would,
Promising us changes,
But the changes were only for your own good

CHORUS
Spinners, cheats and thieves
You hear it from the whole electorate
they call you
Spinners, cheats and thieves
And the next time the election comes around
You lot are going down.

Now we've Brown as the leader and the country is wrecked
You screwed the economy and lost our respect
We don't even know where our money's gone
You've bankrupted our nation
You all should be hanged for the damage you've done

CHORUS
Spinners, cheats and thieves
You hear it from the whole electorate
they call you
Spinners, cheats and thieves
And the next time the election comes around
You lot are going down.

So the Tories come along with a lot of hot air,
Populised by David Cameron's hair,
They'll get into power like we know they should,
Promising us changes,
And we'll hope they won't just be for their own good.

CHORUS
Spinners, cheats and thieves
You hear it from the whole electorate
they call you
Spinners, cheats and thieves
And the next time the election comes around
You lot are going down.

Lord Ahmed Wins Court Case

Firebrand Labour peer Lord Ahmed has won his court case for compensation, we can exclusively reveal.

Lord Ahmed was sending text messages while driving his Jaguar when he struck a stationary vehicle on the M1 on Christmas Day. The driver of the other vehicle, Martyn Gombar, 28, was killed in the collision.

Lord Ahmed successfully sued the estate of Mr Gombar, claiming that the deceased was reckless in obstructing the passage of a member of the Labour Elite, for the facial injuries he suffered in colliding with a Prole, and for repairs to the damage caused to his Jaguar. Lord Ahmed had also claimed that if his case was not won, he would mobilise an army of 10,000 Muslims to march on the High Court in protest.

Lord Ahmed was convicted of Dangerous Driving and banned for 12 months. He was also sentenced to 12 weeks imprisonment, of which he is to serve six. However, the sentence will be deferred until such time as a 5-star luxury prison can be built, suitable for members of the nomenklatura.

In a separate development, a Tory councillor has been sentenced to 15 years in Belmarsh Prison for riding his bike without lights.

Ivan Cameron

My deepest sympathies to David and Samantha Cameron for the tragic loss of their son Ivan.

No Release of Iraq Invasion Minutes

Jack Straw, just after 'losing his homework'.

Minutes of cabinet meetings in which ministers discussed their motivation for going to war with Iraq will not be made public, Justice Secretary Jack Straw has ruled.

The announcement comes despite the decision of the Information Tribunal to force the Government to release the minutes, which it had deemed were a matter of national interest.

However, Mr Straw said he could not permit the release of the records from 2003 discussions over the invasion of Iraq because they had been 'eaten by David Blunkett's guide dog'.

Mr Straw said, "It's true, honest, I'm really sorry. I was going to bring them to this Press Conference, but I left them on the table at David's house and his dog ate them. Honest. You can ask him if you don't believe me".

Suppressing a grin, the Justice Minister added that he was having a new copy of the minutes drawn up based on his recollections of the meetings, which he was certain would vindicate the Government's decision to violate international law in invading Iraq. Mr Straw said that he hoped to have these new minutes published just after everyone involved in the cabinet meetings had died of old age.

Critics of the Government have attacked the announcement, pointing out that this is not the first time access to information has been denied. The Hutton Enquiry into the death of WMD expert David Kelly was suspended after Geoff Hoon's grandmother died 12 times, on each occasion the day before he was due to give evidence, and the police investigation into the 'Cash For Honours' scandal was stalled when former Prime Minister Tony Blair provided an excuse note from his mother.

Research Proves Cancer Studies Cause Cancer

A study to be published in medical journal The Lanced today has warned that studies into the incidence of cancer increase the risk of cancer.

The study, carried out by scientists at Oxford University, has identified that research into the causes of cancer is itself carcinogenic. The research comes hard on the heels of evidence that even a single glass of wine a day can cause cancer, and follows studies which have now proved that cancer can be caused by obesity, smoking, second-hand smoke, third-hand smoke, marijuana, fake tan, cellphone towers, salt, artificial sweetener, reality TV shows, HRT, processed food and the internet.

Professor Ima Boff, from Oxford University, studied the incidence and rate of increase in cancer sufferers and correlated these results with the incidence and rate of increase in studies about the causes of tumours. He said, "I was surprised to find that whenever a particular piece of research is carried out, it shows an increase in the number of diagnosed tumours relating to that research.

"This proves, conclusively, that the prevalence of studies into cancer is a dangerous development, as the studies are, in and of themselves, carcinogenic".

Secretary of State for Health Alan Johnson praised Professor Boff's report for its thoroughness, adding, "we will look at this worrying development in detail. The Cabinet is to consider legislation that will require all studies into the causes of cancer to carry a Health Warning similar to that found on cigarette packets, and we will also consider how the information within those reports is disseminated to minimise the carcinogenic risk to the general public".

The results of a detailed, Government-backed investigation in to whether life itself is carcinogenic and should therefore be banned are expected within the next month.

Ofsted: Schools Should Go Back to Basics

Schools should adopt 'back-to-basics' disciplinary methods in order to curb bad behaviour and improve educational standards, according to a report published today education watchdog Ofsted.

The report praised the work of some state schools in deprived areas, which had instituted much more rigorous discipline and, as a result, had seen a marked increase in standards.

Ofsted described how one head teacher had reintroduced flogging for talking in class, and had seen a 98% reduction in disciplinary reports after 300 pupils were given the cat-o-nine-tails in a single week.

In Rotherham, one failing inner-city school has been revived after head teacher Don Targue adopted US tactics - specifically the tactics used in Guantanamo Bay. Mr Targue said, "we have seen enormous increases in attendance since we set up the armed guard towers, and disciplinary problems are down to zero since we executed two pupils for bullying. The introduction of waterboarding for late homework has also been an absolute Godsend".

However, the Government rejected the Ofsted report as 'unworkable', with Education Secretary Ed 'Blinky' Balls saying, "we can't have children subjected to such unreasonable treatment. I'm fine with a bit of thrashing and occasional torture, but the risk is that they might get educated as a result. Well-taught, well-balanced kids will play merry hell with our plans to get them all through University despite functional illiteracy, and destroy our plans for a country of benefit claimants".

Time and Halfords

A Halfords 'sales assistant' in repose

Dear Halfords

Time is a precious commodity. No matter who we are, no matter what our role, be it executive, engineer or stereo-fitter, there is never enough time. It's vital that what few, fleeting hours we have on this Earth are filled and gainfully used, not frittered away on wasteful and pointless acts.

So thank YOU, Halfords, for wasting over three of MY valuable hours, not to mention an hour of The Darling G's time just for good measure.

I first came in last Saturday. Having spent a not-inconsiderable amount of time being bounced from pointless droid to pointless droid, I found myself in conversation with one of your risibly-titled 'Sales Assistants', where I stated my requirements - a Parrot MKi9200 handsfree system. "No problem", says the salesdroid. "Do I need any additional parts?", I ask. "No", replies the droid, "not for a Saab 9-5". "When can you fit it?", I eagerly respond. "We can't do it today, as our fitter isn't in - but bring it back on Sunday. No need to book", says she.

So. Roll on to this Sunday, and I zoom over to your good selves, arriving just as you open.

"Oh no", says a different droid. "You haven't booked. We can't just do it". *Sigh*. One lengthy discussion involving the droid, the fitter and various poorly-veiled threats of retribution later, a deal is struck, a time of 3pm that day agreed and my bank account lightened to the tune of £200. "That covers all the costs", says the droid. "We don't need any special kit for the Saab 9-5".

Back home, do the things I need to do keeping half an eye on the clock, and I pitch back up at Halfords at 2:55pm as agreed.

"Oh no", says the fitter - the very same fitter who had been involved in the original booking. "You need additional parts - a [insert name of mounting bracket], we can't fit it". *Boggle*.

Three trips. Multiple questions. Over three hours of waiting and discussing with the Epsilon Semi-Morons you choose to employ instead of sentient beings. And you can't get something as basic as 'what extra kit is needed to fit system X' correct. It's a miracle of modern satnav technology that you manage to get to the store every day.

So thank you, Halfords. That's several hours of my life (and over 100 miles of fuel) wasted interacting with idiots. I spent the journey home deep in consideration of all the ways I could enact my vengeance - but in the end there was only one option. I should set you on fire.

I would, but sadly I don't have the time.

Yours Bluetoothlessly

Dungeekin

'Candle in the Wind' - Redux

So apparently, Justice Populist Jack Straw has altered the bail conditions of a man convicted of assault, so that he can spend his wedding night with his new bride. Yeah, I can just see that happening for anyone else.

I've also heard a rumour that Saint Jade's wedding night may be being spent at one of Sir Elton John's properties. Well, given his form, I've decided to save him the trouble of doing what he did for Diana, and have rewritten 'Candle in the Wind' in honour of Ms Goody. Enjoy.

'Goodbye People's Chav'

Goodbye 'People's Chav'
Though I never watched BB at all
You had no grace or talent
And between your ears fuck all
You crawled out of the woodwork
And into the pages of 'OK'
You signed up with Max Clifford
And made the papers every day

And it seems to me, you lived your life
As a minor media whore
Choosing who to sell the rights to
For each tabloid score
And though I wouldn't wish this on you
And I feel for your kids
This constant media coverage
Is getting on my tits

In press and on the news
Though millions suffer every day
In just the way you're suffering
Yet the story's all just you.
A shallow media life
Lived beneath a spotlight only gained
By racism and rudeness
And a total lack of brains

And it seems to me, you lived your life
As a minor media whore
Choosing who to sell the rights to
For each tabloid score
And though I wouldn't wish this on you
And I feel for your kids
This constant media coverage
Is getting on my tits

So Goodbye 'People's Chav'
Though I never watched BB at all
You had no grace or talent
And between your ears fuck all
Goodbye 'People's Chav'
From a man sick of the stories in the Sun
Who sees that you're nothing special
And there'll be others when you're gone

And it seems to me, you lived your life
As a minor media whore
Choosing who to sell the rights to
For each tabloid score
And though I wouldn't wish this on you
And I feel for your kids
This constant media coverage
Is getting on my tits

Primary Education 'Deficient'

Children in England are getting a 'deficient' primary education, according to a report released today by the Cambridge Primary Review.

According to the report, primary schoolchildren are having far too much of their time and attention focused on 'unimportant' matters such as reading, writing and mathematics, and that as a result too many children are leaving primary school with excessive literacy and numeracy skills.

Professor Sandy Wetwipe, of the Cambridge Primary Review, said, "our argument is that children's educations, and subsequently their lives, are impoverished by receiving an education that is so fundamentally deficient".

Professor Wetwipe has recommended a radical reshape of the primary education system, including:

• Reduction of writing tutoring to 1 hour per week;
• Reading list to be reduced to 'Heat Magazine' and 'MySpace';
  
• Introduction of 'citizenship training', including education on the best way to handle the PR demands of a pre-teen pregnancy;
• Instruction on the benefits system, and mathematics tutoring to focus on calculating entitlement;
• Diversity training, including the best way to wear and detonate a suicide belt;
• History lessons covering the innovations and marvels of New Labour since 1997.

Education Secretary Ed Balls welcomed the report, saying "changes to the primary education system will ensure that we have the sort of children this Labour Government requires, and together with the implementation of an Oath of Allegiance will create the education system our children should have".

Arnie Set for Return to Screens

Aging action-hero-cum-politician Arnold Schwarzenegger is due to make a return to the silver screen, it was announced today.

The star, 62, put his acting career on hold when he became Governor of California in 2003, however, his publicist today announced that he is to start working on two new projects.

In the first, directed by Jerry Bruckheimer, Schwarzenegger is to play a retired Special Forces soldier who is forced to face his darkest fears confronting a maniacal evil doctor. The film has tentatively been titled 'Stern Test II - Proctologist Day'.

The second film, due for release in late 2010, has been written and directed by fellow antique action legend Sylvester Stallone, and is believed to be a lighter-hearted action film about two retired Special Forces soldiers, forced to defend their beloved golf club from an evil teenage gang. The movie has a working title of 'Pringle All the Way'.

A spokesman for Governor Schwarzenegger denied that he was too old to be an action hero, pointing out that Schwarzenegger still works out regularly, and has now had an uprated pacemaker fitted. He added, "Arnie will keep being an action hero to one and all for as long as he can - even if he has to get himself mummified like Clint Eastwood".

Goody to Become Saint Jade

St. Jade in her traditional pose

Former 'Big Brother' contestant and tabloid revenue-stream Jade Goody is to be beatified by His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, it was announced today, in recognition of her tireless work to benefit race relations.

The move, which is the result of a concerted campaign by Max Clifford and The Beano Sun, will see 'The People's Chav' start her journey to sainthood within the next seven days.

In order to complete the transition to the status of saint, there will have to be three independently-verified miracles noted and recorded in her name. This Correspondent understands that the first of these has already been achieved, as it's an absolute miracle she gets as many column-inches as she does. Further miracles from St Jade of Essex are said to include her ability to generate revenue from multiple sources from absolutely no talent or intellect.

Cardinal Michael Godbotherer, spokesman for the Vatican, confirmed that the beatification process had started for 'an unpleasant Essex chav', but refused to provide more details. However, Doctor Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury, praised Goody for her work in promoting racial harmony and Heat Magazine. He added, "the elevation of Jade Goody to sainthood is an important step in bringing the Church in line with modern life".

The announcement means that Goody, who has a terminal illness, will receive a State funeral in the Vatican upon her death. Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Shilpa Shetty have already confirmed their attendance, and it is reported that Hello magazine have bought the photography rights for an undisclosed sum.

Station's Strict New Rules on Commuters

Passionate commuters saying their goodbyes will no longer be able to do so at Warrington Bank Quay Station, after management instituted a new stricter policy.

Fed up with trains being delayed, managers have now issued a 'No Shagging' rule on all platforms, and new signs have been put up to remind frisky travellers of their responsibilities.

The new rule, which will be enforced only during peak travelling hours, follows themove by Virgin to introduce their new 'Pendolino' trains from Warrington Bank Quay. Station Manager Reg Jobsworth said, "it's all very well people saying their goodbyes, but we're targeted on punctuality and screwing on the platforms means the trains get delayed. Just last week, an impromptu gang-bang on Platform 3 meant the whole West Coast Line was held up for almost an hour. It's just not acceptable".

A spokesman for Virgin Trains defended the move, which has outraged passenger groups and swinging clubs across the northwest. In a statement on behalf of Richard Branson, the spokesman said, "we understand the necessity for passengers to say goodbye to their loved ones, but we ask for some consideration for our punctuality needs and those of other passengers.

"If travellers would please stick to a spot of fellatio or cunnilingus, this will ensure our services run in a timely fashion".

Belmarsh Prison 'Out of Space'

London's Belmarsh Prison has announced that it is unable at present to admit any more bombers or terrorists, following the arrest of 183 Japanese tourists yesterday under new Police State Anti-Terror laws.

The three coach-loads of tourists fell foul of the new Section 76 to the Counter-Terrorism Act 2008, which makes it illegal to photograph Police officers, soldiers, or pretty much anything else.

All 183 were taking photographs of the Guards at Buckingham Palace, and have been arrested on suspicion of taking images which may be of use in the commission of a terrorist act. All will be held under the Act for 42 days. Two Brazilian tourists were also each shot 14 times in the head, because they looked a bit funny and had backpacks.

Governor of Belmarsh Prison, Warden Bangup, said, "unfortunately we have simply run out of space due to this sudden influx of tourists...sorry, terrorists. We are also having to keep cells free for the vast numbers of journalists we expect to be imprisoned under this Act. Therefore, we are not accepting any more inmates at this time".

Chief Inquisitor Justice Minister Jack Straw, speaking at the Ministry of Love Justice Ministry, said, "it is right that we ensure our Police, our servicemen and our streets are free from the fear and tyranny of terrorism. These Japanese touri...sorry...terrorists were clearly a danger to National Security and the Police acted in accordance with the Act. No, don't photograph me! Guards! Arrest that man!"

Mr Straw also announced a major new building project to ensure that there were sufficient prison spaces to handle all the arrested photographers over the next few years. He added that because of the high-priority nature of arresting tourists and journalists, he was issuing new sentencing guidelines to judges. All those found in possession of Semtex, suicide belts and Jihad manuals will now be subject to ASBOs, to save prison space for people taking pictures.

A Japanese Government spokesman tried to give a comment, but was too pissed to be intelligible.

Brown 'Best Leader for Recession'

Gordon Brown is the best person to lead Britain through the current economic downturn, according to the results of a survey published today.

The survey, conducted by independent think-tank LabourList, gave voters the choice between Gordon Brown, Kim Jong-Il, Robert Mugabe and the voices in Derek Draper's head as the best choices to run the economy. A staggering 53% of the 27 regular LabourList readers voted, with Brown a clear winner with 51% of the vote. Robert Mugabe came second, with many of those polled pointing to his decisive handling of Opposition issues.

The poll is the first to show Labour ahead in anything for some considerable time, and has been pounced on by Labour lunaticssupporters as evidence of their popularity in the mainstream.

The result was welcomed by Business Secretary Lord Mandelson, who said, "this result proves that Britain Loves Gordon, and that we need him in a time when we need a steady nerve and cool judgement".

Mr Mandelson admitted that the Government is in 'an uncomfortable place politically', but added, "there's nothing wrong with an uncomfortable place now and again, ducky".

Draper's Downfall

Brilliant. Warning, strong language - which I would imagine Dolly used when he saw this.



Hat tip to Donal Blaney.

The Silver Beast

The problem with having en ever-expanding menagerie here at Vitriol Towers is that there's never enough space to carry everyone and everything. So the time had come to put away childish things, accept that my life of fun and silliness was over and become 'Norman Normal' - taxi-service Dad with an estate car.

Then, as it so often does, good fortune came my way in the colonial shape of a colleague of The Darling G, returning to the US after a secondment here. And selling his estate car.

Ever since I read John Gardner's 007 books I've wanted a Saab. So now, I feel like a big kid. I've finally got one - a 2002 9-5 Aero Estate. We got it for an absolute song, too.

It's hard to say just how chuffed I am. I am a happy Dungeekin, and I finally own a Silver Beast.

How Do You Break a Dolly?

Wow. Meltdown.

I note that this paragon of mental health was more than happy to attack an elderly woman with dementia, yet still attacks Iain Dale for quite rightly refusing to condemn Carol Thatcher.

Proof, if further proof were needed, that the Berk should never have left Berkely. Or whichever college it actually was that sent the Diploma.

I wonder what a decent psychotherapist would make of the worthy gentleman's "issues"?

Weekly Quiz - Answers

So for those who were waiting with bated breath, below are the answers to this week's Quiz.

As you know, the subject was "Where Would You Find. . . ." and I'm delighted to say we had literally one set of answers in our bulging Postbag.

Anyway, without further ado, the answers:

1. In the House of Lords;

2. In an Interrogation Cell at Heathrow Airport;

3. In Fred Goodwin's pocket;

4. In a VIP box at Wimbledon;

5. In a public toilet in Westminster.

The Prize this week goes to a Ms S Rimington, of Vauxhall, who also supplied some very educational photographs. You know who you are, and I have the negatives.

Please feel free to supply your own questions in the Comments section. Another Quiz next Friday!

Girls Aloud Sign New Contract

The band, shortly before going to work in Manchester's red-light district last night

Talent-free zone Girls Aloud have announced they have signed a new deal with their record label Fascination, despite recent reports that the group may be on the verge of breaking up.

The band have reportedly signed a six-figure deal with the company, on the understanding that they don't produce any more albums and thus protect normal human beings from their awful wailings.

The band had been reported to be on the verge of breaking up as each of the five harpies pursued independent projects.

Following her successful stint as eye-candy for Simon Cowell, Cheryl Cole is to hopefully bugger off to the States and never return, while the four other ones (whose names your Correspondent can't be bothered to look up) have all announced straight-to-bargain-bin solo projects, cameo roles in soap operas and kiss'n'tell exposees of how they worked their way through the entire Liverpool squad in one night.

Girls Aloud, who were originally part of yet another pointless TV 'talent' show, have released a string of dire assaults on eardrums across the world. Record company executive Tarquin Cokehead, of Fascination Records, said, "we're delighted to have signed the girls for another deal, and we look forward to bringing music-lovers blessed release from their caterwauling".

Gladiator Names

At the suggestion of Bill Quango MP:

This weekends task is to give Sky 1 type "Gladiator" names to the following people in this weeks news.

Gordon Brown: Ditherus Economicus Disastrus
David Cameron: Bullingdus Ex Nastipartius
Nick Clegg: Invisibilus Nonentius
Vince Cable: Financius Tolduso
Fred Goodwin: Bonus Maximus
Jacqui Smith: Stalinia Incompetentus Cowardia
Ed Balls: Moronis Sowhatus Footinmouthus
James Crosby: Sackus Whistleblowerus
Boris Johnson: Oldetonium Sayfuckalot
Sarah Tether: Neverheardovya Libdemia

Your turn, have fun.

UPDATE: Hmm, guess I misread the original post. I've gone for the movie, not the execrable TV show. Guess that just shows how much TV I watch....

Seen on the Kings Road. . .

I wish.....