Reshuffle "More of a Slight Jiggle"

"It's so dull, I'm reduced to talking about No. 10's lightbulbs"

Downing Street have released the initial details of Prime Minister Gollum Brown's Cabinet reshuffle to awed disinterest from the world.

Announcements so far include:

• Home Secretary: Alan Johnson
• Chancellor: Alistair Darling remains as Chancellor.
• Foreign Secretary: David Millibland remains at the Foreign Office.
• Business Secretary: Lord Mandelson stays.
• Minister for Fellating Gordon: Ed Balls remains on his knees in place.
• Minister for Defecting to get a Cabinet Job: Shaun 'I used to love IDS' Woodward;
• Secretary of State for Misandry: Harridan Harperson;
• Injustice Secretary: Jack Straw remains in place.

More announcements of people who won't actually be moved at all are expected as the day progresses.

Sources close to the Prime Minister said, "well, Gordon made a start, but then his black marker pen ran out, James Purnell did a bunk and, quite frankly, after that we couldn't really be bothered.

The source added, "It's all immaterial anyway, isn't it? I mean, it's completely hopeless. We're all going to be out on our arses within the next couple of months, who wants to pick up a poisoned chalice when they need to be sorting out their final expense claims?"

Adam Boulton, Chief Political Editor of Sky News, described the announcements so far as, "less of a reshuffle, and more of a slight jiggle. How am I supposed to do rolling coverage from outside No. 10 all day if this is the best they can come up with? I'm reduced to talking about their electricity consumption!"