Milliband Announces Radical Policy Shakeup

"As of now, the Government owns fully two-thirds of this banana"

Foreign Secretary David Millipede has announced a radical shakeup of international policy, following a recent conversation with James Naughtie on the 'Today' programme.

Announcing the new policy, Mr Millipede said that the new approach signified 'a radical New Labour shakeup for British foreign relations', that would improve both trade and international diplomacy.

Under the new plans, the following changes are to be made with immediate effect:

• Britain will sell off 2/3 of Gibraltar to Spain, and 66% of the Falklands Islands to Argentina, with the proceeds going towards the current National Debt;
• The UK Government is to be part-privatised, with 2/3 of its decision-making capability to be purchased by Russian oligarchs (Lord Mandelson is handling negotiations);
• The Government is to purchase two-thirds of the world's banana plantations, to ensure that Mister Millipede always has a plentiful supply.

Mr Millipede said, "this is just the start of the most radical set of reforms ever attempted by a Government - the Foreign Policy equivalent of owning two-thirds of Lloyds Bank. Over the course of the next few days, we will be announcing radical new policies in all areas of Government, each one as radical as being forced to buy a formerly-healthy bank after we forced it to purchase a completely bankrupt one. It's the very essence of New Labour".

Westminster sources have hinted that upcoming developments include the sale of 2/3 of the Metropolitan Police to Albanian organised-crime syndicates, the nationalisation of 66% of Jonathan Ross and new legislation to ensure that two-thirds of the population are unemployed by 2011.

However, critics have derided the latest Government plans, pointing out that by this time next year 2/3 of Labour MPs will be out of a job as 66% of the voters elect Tories.