Reviewing The (Cabinet) Situation...

THE SCENE:

Late at night, in his Downing Street Bunker, GORDON sits, hunched pensively, over an almost-blank pad of paper. All that is written on it is 'Mye Noo Cabbinet'. GORDON picks up his black marker pen and, sighing heavily, begins to sing. . . .

GORDON

A man's got a heart, hasn't he?
Joking apart -- hasn't he?
And though all the polls say that my chance of survival is faint...

I just can't believe that it's all quite as black as they paint...

I'm reviewing the situation
Can a PM get through all this stress and strife?
The Expenses revelations!
Means this reshuffle's a must to save my life.
I'll have Mandy as Home Secretary,
And Balls can have the Treasury,
But Alan wants this seat from me.
And Blears has got it in for me.
And Millibland's defying me!
...They're gearing up to challenge me!

...I think I'd better think it out again!

GORDON crumples the first sheet of paper and laboriously writes the heading for another...

The rebels can keep, anyway
They're in this too deep, anyway.
I'm without McBride's help with the world,
And I'm starting from now
So how to win votes and persuade the backbenchers,
--So how?

I'm reviewing the situation,
I must quickly look up ev'ryone I know.
Who can feign -- true admiration
Who can help me make a real impressive show!
I will use them for advantages,
To block the Tory barrages,
And they'll be mere appendages,
My sycophants until, that is
Cognisant of my weakened state...
...They leak things to the Fourth Estate!

Oh gawd!

...I think I'd better think it out again.

Another crumpled piece of paper is tossed into the bin alongside the first.

So where shall I go -- somebody?
Who do I know? Nobody!
All my friends on the benches
Were spinners and smearers and thieves...
So at my time of life
Should I heed all the polls, and just leave...?

I'm reviewing the situation.
Unlike Tony Blair I'll have to earn a bob!
Is it such a humiliation
For an ex-PM to do an honest job?
But my work on the Economy,
Means banking jobs won't come to me.
And my autobiography,
Will hardly make a cent for me,
And I can't talk at dinner dates,
...My public speaking's second-rate!

...I think I'd better think it out again.

What happens when it's Polling Day?
It must come sometime...Polling Day.
When the voters are cold
And they say that it's time for goodbye,
But how can they know,
That there's no greater Leader than I...

I'm reviewing the situation.
I'm 'The Saviour Of The World' and I shall stay!
You'll be seeing no transformation,
This reshuffle will take all my cares away.

I want Mandy slinging dirt for me,
And Balls and Hoon to cover me,
The media's hatred for that three,
Will help to take the heat off me,
And challenges won't bother me,
They'll never take this job from me,
I'm PM and will always be,
I'll change the law if necess'ry...

...They'll never get me out of Number Ten!

Hey!

(With apologies to Lionel Bart. And Charles Dickens. And Ron Moody.)