Scotland Skipper Announces Six Nations Changes

A rare photo of Scotland skipper Gregor Townsend without his zimmer frame.

Scotland rugby captain Gregor Townsend has announced surprise changes to the side to lose to face the might of England in Sunday's Six Nations clash at Twickenham tomorrow.

Townsend, who is Scotland's most-capped player and who celebrates his 75th birthday tomorrow by leading his team onto the field, made the changes to the starting 15 in an attempt to end their 28-year wait for a victory over England at Twickenham.

Townsend said, "we know that we're going into this match as underdogs - and, of course, we've lost all our matches this Six Nations whle England are undefeated. But I believe that we can win, and by bringing new blood into the side we can introduce new elements of dynamism. I know we can win - at least, when I'm not taking the medication I know we can win."

Townsend announced that St. Jude, Patron Saint of Hopeless Causes, is to come into the side at full-back, in an attempt to bring some luck to the back line. St Jude, who has been playing for Harlequins in recent seasons, is expected to provide at least one other person as deluded as Townsend in the Scotland XV.

The corpse of William Wallace also joins the starting lineup at prop forward, with Townsend pointing out that Wallace will need propping up due to being dead. However, Townsend added that he felt Wallace's history of performance against the English would aid in motivating a Scotland side lacking confidence.

The Scotland skipper reportedly tried to make a number of other team changes, but couldn't find a way of declaring Chris Ashton and Jonny WIlkinson Scottish. Other suggested intakes to the side, including Supergran on the left wing and Groundskeeper Willie at blind side, were rejected by the Scottish RFU as being completely imaginary and a figment of the same fevered imagination that believes Scotland have the slightest chance tomorrow.

England coach Martin Johnson was laughing too hard to comment.