They're changing Prez at the Capitol Palace -
President Bush is replaced by Barack.
Dubya will bugger of back to his ranch.
"It's time for change, so give it a chance,"
Says Barack.
They're changing Prez at the Capitol Palace -
President Bush is replaced by Barack.
Millions of people turned out to cheer.
"If it wasn't for you then I wouldn't be here,"
Says Barack.
They're changing Prez at the Capitol Palace -
President Bush is replaced by Barack.
He'll swear his Oath of Office today
"And then I'll get rid of Guantanamo Bay,"
Says Barack.
They're changing Prez at the Capitol Palace -
President Bush is replaced by Barack.
Cheney was Dubya's 'eminence grise'.
"But no-one knows who my Vice-President is,"
Says Barack.
They're changing Prez at the Capitol Palace -
President Bush is replaced by Barack.
Gordon Brown asks "have you heard all about me?"
"You're the guy who screwed up your economy,"
Says Barack.
They're changing Prez at the Capitol Palace -
President Bush is replaced by Barack.
"I'll make America great once again""
"As long as the rednecks don't blow out my brains,"
Says Barack.
(with apologies to A. A. Milne)
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
They're Changing Prez at the Capitol Palace
MP Expenses - They Work For YOU
Time, I think, for a more serious post on the subject of MPs expenses.
A good friend recently expressed surprise that 'on the one hand people are protesting MP expense privacy and then demanding their own privacy for themselves'. I want to explain why that is a misguided approach, and why the expenses issue is so important.
Firstly - as Iain Dale so rightly pointed out, if as employees we incur expenses in our employment, we are required to submit receipts and to justify those expenses to our employer.
And that's the first point. WE are the employers of Members of Parliament.
We elect them to their post. Their salaries and expenses come from the public purse, which is filled by tax receipts from the money we earn and the items we buy. As employers, therefore, we have a right to know how the money we provide for this purpose is being spent.
This is not a question of privacy. It is a question of accountability. We should expect and demand the same degree of accountability from our Parliamentary employees as is expected from us by our employers.
The second point to consider is 'legitimacy'. The term often used in terms of expenses is 'legitimate business expense' - if our employers (or HMRC for the self-employed) don't think a business expense is legitimate, then it doesn't get paid. At present, the same rules are not applied to MPs.
An expensable mortgage subsidy for an MP who has a long way to travel from their constituency makes sense, and could be construed as legitimate. However, items on the 'John Lewis List' such as televisions or furniture - are they really legitimate? Your employer may pay your relocation expenses, but would they spring for a flat-screen TV? I think not - so why should we do so for Members of Parliament? The same applies to childcare. We have to pay for it ourselves, why should they have us pay for it?
Finally, the third point. Being a Member of Parliament is being a public figure. As an MP, you make the laws that affect all of us, and you have the duty therefore to hold yourself to a higher standard of accountability because of that. Anything - ANYTHING - involving the spending of public money must, therefore, be transparent to those paying the bills.
Some MPs already do so - Douglas Carswell, for one, and I applaud their openness and honesty. But many don't, and it is utterly wrong for them to expect different treatment from that we receive from our employers. They work for us.
The My Society Website TheyWorkForYou has started an online campaign to put pressure on MPs to turn up and vote against the order. You can join a Facebook Group to protest, or you can email your own MP and give them your opinion. Alternatively visit They Work For You and follow the suggestions.
If you have a blog, no matter what your political allegiance, please do highlight this issue.
A good friend recently expressed surprise that 'on the one hand people are protesting MP expense privacy and then demanding their own privacy for themselves'. I want to explain why that is a misguided approach, and why the expenses issue is so important.
Firstly - as Iain Dale so rightly pointed out, if as employees we incur expenses in our employment, we are required to submit receipts and to justify those expenses to our employer.
And that's the first point. WE are the employers of Members of Parliament.
We elect them to their post. Their salaries and expenses come from the public purse, which is filled by tax receipts from the money we earn and the items we buy. As employers, therefore, we have a right to know how the money we provide for this purpose is being spent.
This is not a question of privacy. It is a question of accountability. We should expect and demand the same degree of accountability from our Parliamentary employees as is expected from us by our employers.
The second point to consider is 'legitimacy'. The term often used in terms of expenses is 'legitimate business expense' - if our employers (or HMRC for the self-employed) don't think a business expense is legitimate, then it doesn't get paid. At present, the same rules are not applied to MPs.
An expensable mortgage subsidy for an MP who has a long way to travel from their constituency makes sense, and could be construed as legitimate. However, items on the 'John Lewis List' such as televisions or furniture - are they really legitimate? Your employer may pay your relocation expenses, but would they spring for a flat-screen TV? I think not - so why should we do so for Members of Parliament? The same applies to childcare. We have to pay for it ourselves, why should they have us pay for it?
Finally, the third point. Being a Member of Parliament is being a public figure. As an MP, you make the laws that affect all of us, and you have the duty therefore to hold yourself to a higher standard of accountability because of that. Anything - ANYTHING - involving the spending of public money must, therefore, be transparent to those paying the bills.
Some MPs already do so - Douglas Carswell, for one, and I applaud their openness and honesty. But many don't, and it is utterly wrong for them to expect different treatment from that we receive from our employers. They work for us.
The My Society Website TheyWorkForYou has started an online campaign to put pressure on MPs to turn up and vote against the order. You can join a Facebook Group to protest, or you can email your own MP and give them your opinion. Alternatively visit They Work For You and follow the suggestions.
If you have a blog, no matter what your political allegiance, please do highlight this issue.
UPDATE
I've sent the below email to my local MP, and will post his response when (and if) I receive it.
I've sent the below email to my local MP, and will post his response when (and if) I receive it.
Dear Dr Harris
As a politically-active A******* resident, I am deeply disturbed by the proposed new legislation to further reduce transparency in the reporting of MP's expenses. Such a move would fly in the face of public opinion, as well as nullify the recent High Court decision that MP's expense claims should be itemised and transparent.
As an employee, should I incur expenses in the conduct of my work, I am required to submit receipts and to justify that expenditure before it is reimbursed. Given that MPs are elected by their constituents, and that their salary and expenses are paid from the public purse, it is not inaccurate to say that the Electorate are the Employers of Members of Parliament, and as such have a right to know how public funds are being used in the expenses process.
I have written at length on the subject on my personal website, and the issue has been taken up by several other key pundits including Iain Dale. The My Society Website TheyWorkForYou has started an online campaign to put pressure on MPs to turn up and vote against the order as well.
As my Member of Parliament, I would be grateful if you would advise me how you intend to vote on this issue. Please note that I will be making your response public on the site above, especially if you intend to vote in support of the proposed new legislation.
I look forward to receiving your response.
Yours sincerely
Dungeekin
As a politically-active A******* resident, I am deeply disturbed by the proposed new legislation to further reduce transparency in the reporting of MP's expenses. Such a move would fly in the face of public opinion, as well as nullify the recent High Court decision that MP's expense claims should be itemised and transparent.
As an employee, should I incur expenses in the conduct of my work, I am required to submit receipts and to justify that expenditure before it is reimbursed. Given that MPs are elected by their constituents, and that their salary and expenses are paid from the public purse, it is not inaccurate to say that the Electorate are the Employers of Members of Parliament, and as such have a right to know how public funds are being used in the expenses process.
I have written at length on the subject on my personal website, and the issue has been taken up by several other key pundits including Iain Dale. The My Society Website TheyWorkForYou has started an online campaign to put pressure on MPs to turn up and vote against the order as well.
As my Member of Parliament, I would be grateful if you would advise me how you intend to vote on this issue. Please note that I will be making your response public on the site above, especially if you intend to vote in support of the proposed new legislation.
I look forward to receiving your response.
Yours sincerely
Dungeekin
Millions Descend on Washington
Over a million Americans are today pouring into the nation's capital, Washington DC, to witness the premier of the new Will Smith blockbuster.
A three-square-mile exclusion zone has been set up around the Capitol Cinema, and security is tight as the crowds gather to see Smith, 67, in his latest ground-breaking role.
A spokesman for the event organisers, Presidential Presentations PLC, said that over 600,000 people had bought tickets to the Gala Premier, with some paying up to $100,000 for VIP tickets and the after-show parties.
The eagerly-awaited movie, 'The Fresh President', features Smith taking the Inauguration Ceremony and becoming the first African-American President of the United States. He solves world crises by learning from his own mistakes and the sage advice of his Chief of Staff Geoffrey, and wows foreign statesmen with his rap stylin' skills and bustin' moves.
Smith was unavailable for comment, but his co-star Joe Biden said, "this is going to be an amazing movie - a box-office sensation. I am honoured to be working with Will, even if it means most people won't have a clue who I am".
A three-square-mile exclusion zone has been set up around the Capitol Cinema, and security is tight as the crowds gather to see Smith, 67, in his latest ground-breaking role.
A spokesman for the event organisers, Presidential Presentations PLC, said that over 600,000 people had bought tickets to the Gala Premier, with some paying up to $100,000 for VIP tickets and the after-show parties.
The eagerly-awaited movie, 'The Fresh President', features Smith taking the Inauguration Ceremony and becoming the first African-American President of the United States. He solves world crises by learning from his own mistakes and the sage advice of his Chief of Staff Geoffrey, and wows foreign statesmen with his rap stylin' skills and bustin' moves.
Smith was unavailable for comment, but his co-star Joe Biden said, "this is going to be an amazing movie - a box-office sensation. I am honoured to be working with Will, even if it means most people won't have a clue who I am".
Brook Axed as Talent Show Judge
Model and 'actress' Kelly Brook has been axed from her new role as a judge on TV drivel Britain's Got Talent - after just six days in the job.
Miss Brook, 29, who shot to fame for her performance in. . . in. . . er. . . who shot to fame somehow, was hired as a fourth judge on the show alongside Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan and Amanda Holden - but was voted off by the other judges in short order.
Simon Cowell said, "the show is called Britain's Got Talent, so obviously it's important that the judges have talent - mine, of course, is making money by recycling the same tired format but giving it a different name. However, the judges were unable to find even the slightest vestige of talent in Kelly, so she's not going through to the next round".
Former gutter journalist Morgan added, "she was utter rubbish. I'd sooner see a tone-deaf granny with a dodgy bladder than endure any more of Kelly's 'judging' efforts. She's out".
Ms Brook's agent contradicted the comments of the judges, instead claiming that Kelly was forced to leave due to scheduling conflicts - she is apparently due to open a 7-11 in Scunthorpe next month, and 'needs time to rehearse'.
Miss Brook, 29, who shot to fame for her performance in. . . in. . . er. . . who shot to fame somehow, was hired as a fourth judge on the show alongside Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan and Amanda Holden - but was voted off by the other judges in short order.
Simon Cowell said, "the show is called Britain's Got Talent, so obviously it's important that the judges have talent - mine, of course, is making money by recycling the same tired format but giving it a different name. However, the judges were unable to find even the slightest vestige of talent in Kelly, so she's not going through to the next round".
Former gutter journalist Morgan added, "she was utter rubbish. I'd sooner see a tone-deaf granny with a dodgy bladder than endure any more of Kelly's 'judging' efforts. She's out".
Ms Brook's agent contradicted the comments of the judges, instead claiming that Kelly was forced to leave due to scheduling conflicts - she is apparently due to open a 7-11 in Scunthorpe next month, and 'needs time to rehearse'.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Obama Inauguration Schedule Leaked
A leaked copy of President-Elect Barack Obama's schedule for his Inauguration on January 20th has revealed some of the events in which he will be taking a key role.
Prior to the ceremony itself, the President-Elect is to part the waters of the Potomac River, and he will then walk to the steps of the Capitol Building, where he is scheduled to cure three specially-provided lepers and resurrect Dick Cheney from the dead.
Once the ceremony itself has been concluded, the 44th President will then walk across the waters of the Lincoln Memorial and subsequently host an outdoor banquet for all the attendees, using just five loaves of bread and three fishes.
Also during his first 100 days in office, President Obama is scheduled to close Guantanemo Bay, restore the US Economy, resolve the Israel/Gaza conflict and create a universal healthcare system.
However, the President-Elect's Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, has dismissed rumours that Obama is to turn water into wine at the Inauguration Ball, saying, "that's just stupid. It's not like the President can perform miracles".
Prior to the ceremony itself, the President-Elect is to part the waters of the Potomac River, and he will then walk to the steps of the Capitol Building, where he is scheduled to cure three specially-provided lepers and resurrect Dick Cheney from the dead.
Once the ceremony itself has been concluded, the 44th President will then walk across the waters of the Lincoln Memorial and subsequently host an outdoor banquet for all the attendees, using just five loaves of bread and three fishes.
Also during his first 100 days in office, President Obama is scheduled to close Guantanemo Bay, restore the US Economy, resolve the Israel/Gaza conflict and create a universal healthcare system.
However, the President-Elect's Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, has dismissed rumours that Obama is to turn water into wine at the Inauguration Ball, saying, "that's just stupid. It's not like the President can perform miracles".
Government to Revise MP Expenses Reporting
The Government has announced new legislation to revise the way MPs submit and report expenses, it was revealed this week.
The new methods, announced by Commons Leader Harridan Harperson, effectively nullify a recent High Court decision forcing MPs to publish every receipt for their expenses.
Ms Harperson derided the High Court's decision as 'unworkable', citing the risk to National Security of the general public actually knowing what their tax money was being spent on. Instead, she said, the information would be provided in an "affordable and appropriate way".
Under the proposed new rules, MPs will submit their expenses under 26 separate categories, including:
The new methods, announced by Commons Leader Harridan Harperson, effectively nullify a recent High Court decision forcing MPs to publish every receipt for their expenses.
Ms Harperson derided the High Court's decision as 'unworkable', citing the risk to National Security of the general public actually knowing what their tax money was being spent on. Instead, she said, the information would be provided in an "affordable and appropriate way".
Under the proposed new rules, MPs will submit their expenses under 26 separate categories, including:
- Salaries to spouses, ne'er-do-well offspring and nannies under 'Research Budget';
- Rent-boys, massage-parlour visits and bondage sessions under 'Constituent Visits';
- Home decoration and personal holidays under 'Personal Development & Training';
- Hotel suites and second flats for mistresses under 'Secretarial and Dic
ktation'; - Bribing BBC reporters for favourable spin under 'Constituency Communications'.
Ms Harperson said that to 'further ensure clarity' in the reporting process, all expenses information would be released without the MP names being linked, to prevent terrorists gaining access to potentially useful information.
The expenses reports themselves will be audited by a team of executives from Enron and Northern Rock, with final signoff on the figures from the Chairman of RBS.
While the move has been met with outrage from many sides, with FOI campaigners attacking it as 'outrageous', the BBC has lauded the move, with Nick Robinson quoted as saying, "thank God for that - if the public found out how much the Government are paying me to shill for them, I'd be lynched!".
A Home Office spokesman said that the move would "allow MPs to focus on the real issues in these difficult times, without having to worry about their revenue stream". The Conservatives were unavailable for comment, as they were too busy shredding their receipts.
The expenses reports themselves will be audited by a team of executives from Enron and Northern Rock, with final signoff on the figures from the Chairman of RBS.
While the move has been met with outrage from many sides, with FOI campaigners attacking it as 'outrageous', the BBC has lauded the move, with Nick Robinson quoted as saying, "thank God for that - if the public found out how much the Government are paying me to shill for them, I'd be lynched!".
A Home Office spokesman said that the move would "allow MPs to focus on the real issues in these difficult times, without having to worry about their revenue stream". The Conservatives were unavailable for comment, as they were too busy shredding their receipts.
PM and Chancellor to Join Magic Circle
Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling have been invited to become members of the prestigious Magic Circle, the UK's 'secret society' for top magicians.
Magic Circle President Ali Bongo said that the invitation to the PM and Chancellor was in recognition of their work on the economy and the bank bailout, which he described as an illusion "worthy of David Copperfield at his best".
Mr Bongo said, "the recent actions of the Prime Minister and Chancellor in handling the banking crisis shows the distraction techniques used by the best close-up magicians are translatable to any environment. This alone would make them eligible for Magic Circle membership - however, their ability to make billions of pounds appear from nowhere is a stroke of absolute genius worthy of David Copperfield at his best".
A Downing Street spokesman said that Mr Brown welcomed the honorary membership, describing it as "a great honour". However, he added that Mr Brown was getting on with the job and working closely with Mr Darling to produce their greatest illusion yet - making all the banks disappear from private ownership.
Mr Darling's eyebrows were unavailable for comment.
(Published in 'The Spoof', 19 January 2009).
Magic Circle President Ali Bongo said that the invitation to the PM and Chancellor was in recognition of their work on the economy and the bank bailout, which he described as an illusion "worthy of David Copperfield at his best".
Mr Bongo said, "the recent actions of the Prime Minister and Chancellor in handling the banking crisis shows the distraction techniques used by the best close-up magicians are translatable to any environment. This alone would make them eligible for Magic Circle membership - however, their ability to make billions of pounds appear from nowhere is a stroke of absolute genius worthy of David Copperfield at his best".
A Downing Street spokesman said that Mr Brown welcomed the honorary membership, describing it as "a great honour". However, he added that Mr Brown was getting on with the job and working closely with Mr Darling to produce their greatest illusion yet - making all the banks disappear from private ownership.
Mr Darling's eyebrows were unavailable for comment.
(Published in 'The Spoof', 19 January 2009).
Cameron Appoints 'Dinosaur' to Cabinet
Tory Leader David Cameron has surprised pundits by reintroducing a 'Big Beast' into his Shadow Cabinet.
The shock appointment of the 10-metre-tall 'Tyrannosaurus Rex' to the position of Trade and Industry Secretary was announced yesterday and has stunned political circles, who were expecting a Cabinet return for cigar-chomping Europhile Ken Clarke.
A spokesman at Conservative HQ said, "Dave thought about bringing Ken Clark back - he's one of the old 'big beasts', well respected in the Party and with masses of experience. But he is a bit of a dinosaur anyway, and Dave thought that if we're going to have a dinosaur in Cabinet we might as well have a real one".
He added, "The real bonus of having a T. Rex holding the Trade and Industry brief is - if he can't win a debate with Mandleson, he can just bite his head off. Which is perfect as far as we're concerned. We just need to stop him from eating his red boxes."
The Tyrannosaurus, jocularly nicknamed 'Barney', is to hold a press conference shortly. The Tories have denied rumours that he's been trained to eat Guardian journalists.
(Published in 'The Tart', 19 January 2009).
The shock appointment of the 10-metre-tall 'Tyrannosaurus Rex' to the position of Trade and Industry Secretary was announced yesterday and has stunned political circles, who were expecting a Cabinet return for cigar-chomping Europhile Ken Clarke.
A spokesman at Conservative HQ said, "Dave thought about bringing Ken Clark back - he's one of the old 'big beasts', well respected in the Party and with masses of experience. But he is a bit of a dinosaur anyway, and Dave thought that if we're going to have a dinosaur in Cabinet we might as well have a real one".
He added, "The real bonus of having a T. Rex holding the Trade and Industry brief is - if he can't win a debate with Mandleson, he can just bite his head off. Which is perfect as far as we're concerned. We just need to stop him from eating his red boxes."
The Tyrannosaurus, jocularly nicknamed 'Barney', is to hold a press conference shortly. The Tories have denied rumours that he's been trained to eat Guardian journalists.
(Published in 'The Tart', 19 January 2009).
Sunday, January 18, 2009
CBBC and the English Language
Dear CBBC
Let us, if we may, remind ourselves of the original remit of the British Broadcasting Corporation. To inform, to educate and to entertain, wasn't it?
Bearing that in mind, shall we just take a moment to familiarise ourselves with a little Sunday morning programme called 'The Pod'?
Please accept my gratitude for bringing this enormously erudite educational masterpiece to our screens. In this charming little Sunday morning show, the 'Dungeekin Minors' sat rapt, watching Pod educate my children on the correct use of 'Wasssup', 'no man', 'Braaa' and, gratifyingly, 'innit'.
Oh, and thank you SO much, CBBC, for providing my offspring with valuable instruction on the pronunciation of 'arks' in the sense of 'requesting information'.
While I don't expect our kids to be receiving instruction on theoretical physics, interspersed with Rachmaninov piano concertos, it's disconcerting to see white, middle class children attempting to speak 'gangsta'. Especially when the children concerned were quite clearly Home Counties.
Watching some beautifully-spoken young lady called Annabel throwing signs while saying, "Wassup - I'm gonna hang out wiv my bruvvas, innit" hardly informs, poorly educates and certainly doesn't qualify as entertainment.
So - and to do this in a language you should understand - make yer shows talk right, man, yeah? If I have to arks you again then me an my bruvvas will set you on fire, awright?
Innit.
Dungeekin
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Apple CEO in Medical Absence Shock
Apple CEO and technological visionary Steve Jobs has announced he is temporarily stepping down as Chief Executive of the company he co-founded to take medical leave.
Apple spokesman Mac Fanboi denied reports that Jobs will not return, explaining that the absence was necessary for surgery to remove a malignant black turtleneck pullover which has been symbiotically attached to Jobs since 1999.
Thought by the Apple faithful to be a symbol of Jobs' commitment to minimalist functionality, Scientists have established that the turtleneck is in fact a parasitical creature feeding off its host, and in return channeling its brainwaves through Mr Jobs, a symbiotic relationship now thought to have been responsible for the creation of the iPod.
Mr Fanboi also added that Jobs' absence from the recent Macworld Expo was due to him receiving grief counselling in preparation for the removal of the pullover which is likely to have a negative impact on Apple's product innovation, possibly resulting in items as unpopular as the Apple Lisa.
Apple devotees have reacted with shock to the news, with many openly praying in the streets and at makeshift shrines in support of their technological guru. There have been reports of suicides, and a growing Facebook group calling for Mr Jobs to retain the turtleneck until a new iPhone Nano has been developed.
The turtleneck was unavailable for comment.
(Published in 'The Spoof', 15 January 2009).
Apple spokesman Mac Fanboi denied reports that Jobs will not return, explaining that the absence was necessary for surgery to remove a malignant black turtleneck pullover which has been symbiotically attached to Jobs since 1999.
Thought by the Apple faithful to be a symbol of Jobs' commitment to minimalist functionality, Scientists have established that the turtleneck is in fact a parasitical creature feeding off its host, and in return channeling its brainwaves through Mr Jobs, a symbiotic relationship now thought to have been responsible for the creation of the iPod.
Mr Fanboi also added that Jobs' absence from the recent Macworld Expo was due to him receiving grief counselling in preparation for the removal of the pullover which is likely to have a negative impact on Apple's product innovation, possibly resulting in items as unpopular as the Apple Lisa.
Apple devotees have reacted with shock to the news, with many openly praying in the streets and at makeshift shrines in support of their technological guru. There have been reports of suicides, and a growing Facebook group calling for Mr Jobs to retain the turtleneck until a new iPhone Nano has been developed.
The turtleneck was unavailable for comment.
(Published in 'The Spoof', 15 January 2009).
Immigrants to 'Earn Citizenship'
The Home Office want to introduce steps to turn immigration and citizenship into 'a journey', with clearly defined steps toward integration into Britain.
In a document leaked to the BBC and this correspondent, the Home Office have detailed their plans and requirements, and given an outline of the assessment process, which is reproduced below:
Language.
We should expect our new citizens to learn adequate English, which this Government appreciates is not an easy process but a vital one. Simple 'book learning' is inadequate for integration, so new immigrants should quickly educate themselves on British colloquialisms. Watching 'Eastenders' regularly should ensure good development of this, rapidly ensuring the correct quantity and placement of 'you slags', 'shut it' and 'innit' into the candidates' language.
Given that we are expecting integration, special attention will be paid to children - if they are seen to be having literacy issues (that is, they can read and write better than our primary schoolchildren) then additional, Council-funded training will be provided to bring them down to the level of 'txt-spk' illiteracy required by this nation.
Culture.
Assimilation into British Culture is also a necessity for new immigrants. They should understand, and be actively involved in, the activities which shape us as a nation and as communities. New arrivals will, therefore, be expected to follow the England football team, with bonus points given in the assessment process for off-pitch violence or racist chants.
An appreciation for the arts is also necessary, so immigrants will be required to sit regular written examinations on 'Coronation Street', 'Eastenders' (see above), 'X-Factor' and 'Britain's Got Talent'. 'Integration Credits' will be available based upon the telephone voting record of the prospective immigrant. Demerits will be applied for candidates showing an interest in elitist subjects such as Theatre, Opera, Politics or World Affairs.
Candidates will also be assessed on the number of binge-drinking sessions they have been involved in during the assessment period. Particular attention should be paid to the incidence of vomiting and public urination, to ensure that candidates are reaching the required target.
Younger candidates will be able to earn Integration Credits based upon the number of ASBOs issued in a given period, with additional credits available for Burberry and Bench clothing, acts of vandalism, big-exhausted Citroen Saxo vehicles and teenage pregnancies.
Contribution.
The contribution made by immigration to this country cannot be overestimated, and new migrants should ensure that they are making the contribution expected by Government Policy.
Therefore, all new immigrants will be expected to develop an intimate understanding of the Benefits system, and part of the assessment process will be to ensure that immigrants know their rights and what payments they're entitled to. Bonus Integration Credits will be available to those candidates publicly complaining that their Local-Authority provided housing is too small or too dirty, and that it's the Council's responsibility to clean their house.
Additional Integration Credits will also be made available based upon the number of children to immigrant single mothers, with special attention paid to the number of different fathers as a target criteria.
Any immigrant candidate found to be working and paying Income Tax/National Insurance, if not claiming benefits, will be subject to the immediate cancellation of their candidacy and revocation of their 'Right to Remain', as they are clearly not integrating correctly into New Labour's Society.
In a document leaked to the BBC and this correspondent, the Home Office have detailed their plans and requirements, and given an outline of the assessment process, which is reproduced below:
Language.
We should expect our new citizens to learn adequate English, which this Government appreciates is not an easy process but a vital one. Simple 'book learning' is inadequate for integration, so new immigrants should quickly educate themselves on British colloquialisms. Watching 'Eastenders' regularly should ensure good development of this, rapidly ensuring the correct quantity and placement of 'you slags', 'shut it' and 'innit' into the candidates' language.
Given that we are expecting integration, special attention will be paid to children - if they are seen to be having literacy issues (that is, they can read and write better than our primary schoolchildren) then additional, Council-funded training will be provided to bring them down to the level of 'txt-spk' illiteracy required by this nation.
Culture.
Assimilation into British Culture is also a necessity for new immigrants. They should understand, and be actively involved in, the activities which shape us as a nation and as communities. New arrivals will, therefore, be expected to follow the England football team, with bonus points given in the assessment process for off-pitch violence or racist chants.
An appreciation for the arts is also necessary, so immigrants will be required to sit regular written examinations on 'Coronation Street', 'Eastenders' (see above), 'X-Factor' and 'Britain's Got Talent'. 'Integration Credits' will be available based upon the telephone voting record of the prospective immigrant. Demerits will be applied for candidates showing an interest in elitist subjects such as Theatre, Opera, Politics or World Affairs.
Candidates will also be assessed on the number of binge-drinking sessions they have been involved in during the assessment period. Particular attention should be paid to the incidence of vomiting and public urination, to ensure that candidates are reaching the required target.
Younger candidates will be able to earn Integration Credits based upon the number of ASBOs issued in a given period, with additional credits available for Burberry and Bench clothing, acts of vandalism, big-exhausted Citroen Saxo vehicles and teenage pregnancies.
Contribution.
The contribution made by immigration to this country cannot be overestimated, and new migrants should ensure that they are making the contribution expected by Government Policy.
Therefore, all new immigrants will be expected to develop an intimate understanding of the Benefits system, and part of the assessment process will be to ensure that immigrants know their rights and what payments they're entitled to. Bonus Integration Credits will be available to those candidates publicly complaining that their Local-Authority provided housing is too small or too dirty, and that it's the Council's responsibility to clean their house.
Additional Integration Credits will also be made available based upon the number of children to immigrant single mothers, with special attention paid to the number of different fathers as a target criteria.
Any immigrant candidate found to be working and paying Income Tax/National Insurance, if not claiming benefits, will be subject to the immediate cancellation of their candidacy and revocation of their 'Right to Remain', as they are clearly not integrating correctly into New Labour's Society.
Winslet Nominated for Further Award
British actress Kate Winslet's extraordinary run of success has continued today, with her nomination for yet another prestigious award.
The British Luvvies Foundation today nominated Ms Winslet, 33, for 'Best Breathlessness in an Awards Acceptance Speech', following her exceptional performance in the Golden Globes.
Ms Winslet's tour de force as a hyperventilatory winner has been applauded by the critics, with Derek Malcolm of the Evening Standard describing it as 'a triumph of emphysematous excellence'.
A spokesman for Ms Winslet said, "Kate is ecstatic to be nominated for this award by the BLF. She is looking forward to the ceremony, when she plans to raise the bar for awards winners everywhere with a bravura performance of wheezing - culminating in her giving her acceptance speech from the back of an ambulance while on a ventilator.
"Kate's nomination for this award shows that the British Luvvie Industry is still producing the best-quality overreactions in the world. Emma Thompson wasn't a fluke".
(Published in 'The Tart', 15 January 2009).
The British Luvvies Foundation today nominated Ms Winslet, 33, for 'Best Breathlessness in an Awards Acceptance Speech', following her exceptional performance in the Golden Globes.
Ms Winslet's tour de force as a hyperventilatory winner has been applauded by the critics, with Derek Malcolm of the Evening Standard describing it as 'a triumph of emphysematous excellence'.
A spokesman for Ms Winslet said, "Kate is ecstatic to be nominated for this award by the BLF. She is looking forward to the ceremony, when she plans to raise the bar for awards winners everywhere with a bravura performance of wheezing - culminating in her giving her acceptance speech from the back of an ambulance while on a ventilator.
"Kate's nomination for this award shows that the British Luvvie Industry is still producing the best-quality overreactions in the world. Emma Thompson wasn't a fluke".
(Published in 'The Tart', 15 January 2009).
Man City Fall for eBay Scam
Representatives of Manchester City FC have been left red-faced after reportedly falling for an eBay scam, we can exclusively reveal.
Staff at the club, now the richest in the world since being bought in September 2007 by Sheikh Itallabout, became embroiled in a bidding war on the popular auction site, ostensibly for top Brazilian striker and AC Milan player Kaka.
However, having paid an amazing £100 million on 'Buy It Now' - shattering the prior fee record for any player - the club were despondent to be sent a bucket of fresh horse 'kaka' instead.
Brian Dumbass, Director of Technology at City, said, "We thought we were bidding on the player himself - the seller's name was 'Silvioboarlusconi', so we thought it was OK. I guess we should have read the auction listing better".
Manager Mark Hughes denied reports that City's new 'signing' would be appearing in their next Premier League clash, adding, "we've got enough shit in our side at present, thank you very much".
eBay refused to comment on the story.
(Published in 'The Spoof', 15 January 2009).
Staff at the club, now the richest in the world since being bought in September 2007 by Sheikh Itallabout, became embroiled in a bidding war on the popular auction site, ostensibly for top Brazilian striker and AC Milan player Kaka.
However, having paid an amazing £100 million on 'Buy It Now' - shattering the prior fee record for any player - the club were despondent to be sent a bucket of fresh horse 'kaka' instead.
Brian Dumbass, Director of Technology at City, said, "We thought we were bidding on the player himself - the seller's name was 'Silvioboarlusconi', so we thought it was OK. I guess we should have read the auction listing better".
Manager Mark Hughes denied reports that City's new 'signing' would be appearing in their next Premier League clash, adding, "we've got enough shit in our side at present, thank you very much".
eBay refused to comment on the story.
(Published in 'The Spoof', 15 January 2009).
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Be Seeing You. . .
Farewell to the legendary Patrick McGoohan, star and creator of The Prisoner.You were never a number, and the concepts and ideas of The Prisoner are more relevant today than they ever were before.
Hope wherever you are is better than The Village.
Bin Laden Calls for New Jihad
Al-Qaeda's elusive leader Osama Bin Laden has called for a new Jihad in a new audio tape released to the Reuters news agency today.
In the latest tape, which is being checked for authenticity by the CIA, Bin Laden called for all Muslims to declare a Holy War on the Starbucks chain, after they reportedly served him with a substandard Vente Halal Decaf Latte.
Describing Starbucks as 'The Coffee Satan'. Bin Laden called for the faithful to unite, saying, "it is an insult to the will of Allah that a terrorist can't get his morning coffee served the way he wants it. It's hard enough to get motivated most mornings anyway after a night in the cave, all I want is a fricking Latte, insh'Allah.
"Yet the bloody baristas at Tora Bora Starbucks keep forgetting to give me a double shot, and don't heat the milk enough. It is a direct affront to the Muslim people and we must strike back at these Satanic purveyors of crap coffee with the full force of the Faithful."
Bin Laden reportedly continued in a similar vein for some 30 minutes, before finally denouncing all those who take brown sugar in espresso as 'infidels' and calling for their execution.
A Starbucks barista, contacted for comment while this reporter was buying his morning mocha, declined to comment.
(Published in The Tart, 14 January 2009).
In the latest tape, which is being checked for authenticity by the CIA, Bin Laden called for all Muslims to declare a Holy War on the Starbucks chain, after they reportedly served him with a substandard Vente Halal Decaf Latte.
Describing Starbucks as 'The Coffee Satan'. Bin Laden called for the faithful to unite, saying, "it is an insult to the will of Allah that a terrorist can't get his morning coffee served the way he wants it. It's hard enough to get motivated most mornings anyway after a night in the cave, all I want is a fricking Latte, insh'Allah.
"Yet the bloody baristas at Tora Bora Starbucks keep forgetting to give me a double shot, and don't heat the milk enough. It is a direct affront to the Muslim people and we must strike back at these Satanic purveyors of crap coffee with the full force of the Faithful."
Bin Laden reportedly continued in a similar vein for some 30 minutes, before finally denouncing all those who take brown sugar in espresso as 'infidels' and calling for their execution.
A Starbucks barista, contacted for comment while this reporter was buying his morning mocha, declined to comment.
(Published in The Tart, 14 January 2009).
Cameron Calls for Commons Reform
In an unprecedented statement, Opposition Leader David Cameron has described the workings of the House of Commons as "archaic" and called for urgent reform.
In an address to the Batley Townswomens' Guild, Mr Cameron said that in these difficult times, it was time to bring an end to 'Punch and Judy politics', and offered his vision of a new Parliamentary system.
"The fact is, the Parliamentary system is archaic and fails to engage", Mr Cameron said. "We need to get away from the 'Punch and Judy' politics of the past. Having seen 'Dick Whittington' the other day, I am therefore calling for the urgent reform of the Commons to adopt Pantomime procedures."
"The Opposition would be required to have a good-looking girl, dressed as a boy, as their Leader. Lord Mandelson can be King Rat - that shouldn't be too difficult - and the Lib-Dem Leader can be Buttons. "Gordon Brown can play the Dame - that might also improve the way he dresses, which would be a bonus."
Mr Cameron added, "the introduction of 'Pantomime Politics' will also allow backbenchers greater engagement in the debate process. No longer will they be reduced simply to mumbling 'Hear, Hear' at pronouncements - instead, if a Government Minister says something is happening, backbenchers can shout 'Oh No It Isn't!!', with the Government retort of 'Oh Yes It Is!!' clearly leading to extended debates - though I concede that they may be limited in depth."
The Lobby system would also be scrapped under the Opposition proposals, with the Speaker deciding the outcome of votes based on which side of theaudience House had shouted the loudest.
The Minister for Justics, Jack Straw, said that Mr Cameron's proposals had merit, as long as he could play Baron Hardup.
(Published in 'The Spoof', 14 January 2009).
In an address to the Batley Townswomens' Guild, Mr Cameron said that in these difficult times, it was time to bring an end to 'Punch and Judy politics', and offered his vision of a new Parliamentary system.
"The fact is, the Parliamentary system is archaic and fails to engage", Mr Cameron said. "We need to get away from the 'Punch and Judy' politics of the past. Having seen 'Dick Whittington' the other day, I am therefore calling for the urgent reform of the Commons to adopt Pantomime procedures."
"The Opposition would be required to have a good-looking girl, dressed as a boy, as their Leader. Lord Mandelson can be King Rat - that shouldn't be too difficult - and the Lib-Dem Leader can be Buttons. "Gordon Brown can play the Dame - that might also improve the way he dresses, which would be a bonus."
Mr Cameron added, "the introduction of 'Pantomime Politics' will also allow backbenchers greater engagement in the debate process. No longer will they be reduced simply to mumbling 'Hear, Hear' at pronouncements - instead, if a Government Minister says something is happening, backbenchers can shout 'Oh No It Isn't!!', with the Government retort of 'Oh Yes It Is!!' clearly leading to extended debates - though I concede that they may be limited in depth."
The Lobby system would also be scrapped under the Opposition proposals, with the Speaker deciding the outcome of votes based on which side of the
The Minister for Justics, Jack Straw, said that Mr Cameron's proposals had merit, as long as he could play Baron Hardup.
(Published in 'The Spoof', 14 January 2009).
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Too Fat to Love?
The Government are frequently heard to proclaim that 'families' are the most important thing in life. We all know that a stable family environment is good for the development of happy children.
We also know the statistics - that children in Local Authority Care tend to perform less well in school, garner fewer qualifications and have lower chances in life than those from a family environment.
The importance of adoption cannot be overestimated. Adopted children are rescued from the State care system and, if the system is implemented properly, placed in loving environments where they can flourish. That, surely, is better than the alternative stagnant future for a child in care.
Yet it would seem that to Leeds City Council, the future well-being of a child is less important than whether the parents eat All-Bran.
Parents banned from giving a child the loving home all children need. Not because they're alcoholics, smokers, drug addicts or benefits sponges - but because the prospective Dad is overweight. It's revolting. Do the worthies at Leeds City Council really think that the love of a child is dependent upon the body shape of the parent?
Or is it just that their Nannying imperative is now so strong, their need to ensure that the lost kids of Britain, already abandoned (for whatever reason) by one set of parents, deserve only the unfeeling bureaucracy of the State as a future?
The Righteous of Leeds City Council should hang their heads in shame for the child they have just condemned.
(Published on Dad-O-Matic, 13 January 2009)
Darling's Eyebrows 'On Strike'
Alistair Darling's eyebrows have today announced an unscheduled walkout, citing poor working conditions as the reason for their industrial action.
Their decision to strike was taken following an interview with Sky's Jeff Randall, during which the Chancellor refused to apologise for Labour's mishandling of the economy in the run-up to the current Recession.
In a statement, Left Eyebrow said, "It's just impossible to work in these conditions any more. We're being tarred with the same brush as the rest of the Chancellor's body, and we refuse to be held responsible for his incompetence. And we don't want to have to listen to any more of the limp rubbish Gordon tells him to spout, it's making us go droopy."
He added, "It's not even as if we're treated as a part of his body. I mean, we don't even match his hair. It makes us stand out, it's discriminatory, and we end up being used as a diversion from the real issues."
The eyebrows were originally believed to be Saddam Hussein's moustache, liberated from the Presidential Palace in Baghdad following the 2003 invasion. However, this was proved to be false in 2006, when it was announced that far from being a spoil of war, the eyebrows were just a stupid, bushy appendage to Gordon Brown's sock-puppet.
A meeting has been scheduled at the conciliation service ACAS in an attempt to allow Mr Darling's eyebrows to air their grievances.
(Published in 'The Tart', 15 January 2009).
Their decision to strike was taken following an interview with Sky's Jeff Randall, during which the Chancellor refused to apologise for Labour's mishandling of the economy in the run-up to the current Recession.
In a statement, Left Eyebrow said, "It's just impossible to work in these conditions any more. We're being tarred with the same brush as the rest of the Chancellor's body, and we refuse to be held responsible for his incompetence. And we don't want to have to listen to any more of the limp rubbish Gordon tells him to spout, it's making us go droopy."
He added, "It's not even as if we're treated as a part of his body. I mean, we don't even match his hair. It makes us stand out, it's discriminatory, and we end up being used as a diversion from the real issues."
The eyebrows were originally believed to be Saddam Hussein's moustache, liberated from the Presidential Palace in Baghdad following the 2003 invasion. However, this was proved to be false in 2006, when it was announced that far from being a spoil of war, the eyebrows were just a stupid, bushy appendage to Gordon Brown's sock-puppet.
A meeting has been scheduled at the conciliation service ACAS in an attempt to allow Mr Darling's eyebrows to air their grievances.
(Published in 'The Tart', 15 January 2009).
50 Ways New Labour's Conned Us
(To the tune of Paul Simon's '50 Ways to Leave Your Lover')
The problem is all in Downing Street, it seems to me
The answer is easy, if you look then you will see
That Gordon Brown has wrecked our whole economy
There must be fifty ways New Labour's conned us
It really saddens me to see how much we're screwed
And furthermore, I hope my meaning wont be lost or misconstrued
But Ill repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways New Labour's conned us
Fifty ways New Labour's conned us
They invaded Iraq, Jack
Troops killed in Afghanistan
We'll be unemployed, Roy
And on CCTV
They've sold off the gold, Gus
They've spun and misled us!
They've wrecked the economy
And made us less free
Just invade Iraq, Jack
Troops killed in Afghanistan
We'll be unemployed, Roy
Just listen to me!
They've sold off the gold, Gus
They've spun and misled us!
They've wrecked the economy
And made us less free
It grieves me so to see our country in such pain
I hope the Tories do whats needed to make us smile again
But in the interim, just let me please explain
About the fifty ways
Why don't you think it through and sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light
When you consider it, you'll realise I probably was right
There must be fifty ways New Labour's conned us
Fifty ways New Labour's conned us
They invaded Iraq, Jack
Troops killed in Afghanistan
We'll be unemployed, Roy
And on CCTV
They've sold off the gold, Gus
They've spun and misled us!
They've wrecked the economy
And made us less free
Just invade Iraq, Jack
Troops killed in Afghanistan
We'll be unemployed, Roy
Just listen to me!
They've sold off the gold, Gus
They've spun and misled us!
They've wrecked the economy
And made us less free
Monday, January 12, 2009
Land of Leather Suspends Share Trading
Chav-friendly sofa sellers Land of Leather have today announced the suspension of their shares pending an upcoming announcement on the future of the company.
A spokesman for the loss-making company said, "We are suspending trading for a period of 12 months, after which our shares will be available at half-price! Yes, half price! Double discount! You can order now, and benefit from 12-months interest and dividend-free!"
He added, "Buy now, and we'll throw in a free disfiguring rash at no extra cost!"
The announcement is expected to be the 37th 'Closing-Down Sale' for the retailer in the last two years.
A spokesman for the loss-making company said, "We are suspending trading for a period of 12 months, after which our shares will be available at half-price! Yes, half price! Double discount! You can order now, and benefit from 12-months interest and dividend-free!"
He added, "Buy now, and we'll throw in a free disfiguring rash at no extra cost!"
The announcement is expected to be the 37th 'Closing-Down Sale' for the retailer in the last two years.
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