Queen to Give 'Austerity Speech'

Queen: "and from now one, one's official State robes will be supplied by Matalan."

Buckingham Palace sources have announced that the Queen will be cutting costs in support of the austerity measures announced yesterday by the Government.

The Chancellor, George Osborne, and David Laws, the Chief Secretary to the Treasury, yesterday unveiled the first tranche of cuts totalling over £6bn ahead of a comprehensive spending review and planned Emergency Budget aimed at bringing down the UK's £154bn debt mountain.

In support of the measures, Buckingham Palace confirmed that the Queen's Speech today would be the first to implement its own cost-cutting measures. A spokesman said, "Her Majesty understands and recognises the national need to cut costs across the board, and is pleased to make her own gestures as part of this."

Under the new 'Austerity Speech', Her Majesty will make the following changes:

• The Queen will eschew the usual State Coach, instead travelling to Parliament on a National Express one;

• The usual outriders from the Life Guards will be replaced by out-of-work 'Baywatch' extras;

• Instead of the Crown, Orb and Sceptre of state - which will all be sold on eBay, Her Majesty will instead wear a baseball cap and carry an England football and a 'tickling stick' kindly loaned to the Palace by Ken Dodd;

• Black Rod is to be made redundant, and the Commons doors traditionally slammed in his face will have a doorbell fitted.

The Diary's Royal Correspondent understands that further money-saving measures will be announced in future. However, the Palace confirmed that following a poor initial result, they will no longer be trying to auction off Prince Andrew.

The measures were welcomed by Prime Minister and conjoined twins Davick Camerclegg, who said in unison, "we are delighted that the Royal Family are supporting the Government as we try, desperately and probably in vain, to stem the fiscal haemorrhage started by Labour."

However, the announcement was met with outrage from the TUC and other pinko idiots trades union spokesmen. TUC General Secretary Brendan Bruvvers attacked the move, saying that it was 'just another example of money being taken out of the public sector', and called for a ballot on strike action by the Royal Family.

Rumours that HRH Prince Philip will be doing Bernard Manning impressions to raise extra cash remain unconfirmed.