Justice Ministry to Review Sex Offences Law

The Ministry of Justice have announced changes to sexual offences legislation following the conviction of two 10-year-old boys for the attempted rape of an eight-year-old girl.

The case has caused significant controversy for several reasons including the trial and conviction of prebubescent children for an adult offence, the import of which they could not possibly have comprehended, and the fact that the trial judge refused to throw out the case despite unsurprisingly contradictory testimony.

A Justice Ministry spokesman said, "we are aware of the problems this difficult and painful case has caused, and it is therefore right that we take action to ensure clarity in all circumstances.

"For example, it seems clear in this case that the children were 'experimenting' - akin, as many have said, to playing 'doctors and nurses'. Therefore we will be launching an urgent enquiry within the Crown Prosecution Service to discover why the children were not all charged with Impersonating A Medical Professional.

"New laws will also be put on the statute book to protect children from playground predators, and police will with immediate effect start patrolling schoolyards arresting children engaging in 'kiss-chase' for indecent assault. Fixed-Penalty Notices for Indecent Exposure will be issued to any girls doing handstands that show their knickers."

The spokesman also said that the Justice Ministry recognised the difficulties in a ten-year-old child signing the Sex Offenders Register, and confirmed that a new Register was to be implemented for all children found guilty of the heinous offence of being an inquisitive child.

The Sex Offenders Colouring-In Book will be used in future for all children convicted of being a child. The offender will be required to colour in a picture of themselves as a horrid paedophile who is beyond redemption. They will also undergo professional counselling explaining to them why their pre-adolescent idiocy will leave them tarnished and shunned for the rest of their natural lives, and why they completely deserve it.

Wonko The Sane was too depressed to comment.

Queen to Give 'Austerity Speech'

Queen: "and from now one, one's official State robes will be supplied by Matalan."

Buckingham Palace sources have announced that the Queen will be cutting costs in support of the austerity measures announced yesterday by the Government.

The Chancellor, George Osborne, and David Laws, the Chief Secretary to the Treasury, yesterday unveiled the first tranche of cuts totalling over £6bn ahead of a comprehensive spending review and planned Emergency Budget aimed at bringing down the UK's £154bn debt mountain.

In support of the measures, Buckingham Palace confirmed that the Queen's Speech today would be the first to implement its own cost-cutting measures. A spokesman said, "Her Majesty understands and recognises the national need to cut costs across the board, and is pleased to make her own gestures as part of this."

Under the new 'Austerity Speech', Her Majesty will make the following changes:

• The Queen will eschew the usual State Coach, instead travelling to Parliament on a National Express one;

• The usual outriders from the Life Guards will be replaced by out-of-work 'Baywatch' extras;

• Instead of the Crown, Orb and Sceptre of state - which will all be sold on eBay, Her Majesty will instead wear a baseball cap and carry an England football and a 'tickling stick' kindly loaned to the Palace by Ken Dodd;

• Black Rod is to be made redundant, and the Commons doors traditionally slammed in his face will have a doorbell fitted.

The Diary's Royal Correspondent understands that further money-saving measures will be announced in future. However, the Palace confirmed that following a poor initial result, they will no longer be trying to auction off Prince Andrew.

The measures were welcomed by Prime Minister and conjoined twins Davick Camerclegg, who said in unison, "we are delighted that the Royal Family are supporting the Government as we try, desperately and probably in vain, to stem the fiscal haemorrhage started by Labour."

However, the announcement was met with outrage from the TUC and other pinko idiots trades union spokesmen. TUC General Secretary Brendan Bruvvers attacked the move, saying that it was 'just another example of money being taken out of the public sector', and called for a ballot on strike action by the Royal Family.

Rumours that HRH Prince Philip will be doing Bernard Manning impressions to raise extra cash remain unconfirmed.

Artificial Life Creator Denies 'Playing God'

Dr Venter presents his scientific research paper.

The creator of the first ever 'synthetic cell', described as a 'landmark' by one British expert, has strongly denied suggestions that he is 'playing God'.

Dr J Craig Venter, an American mad scientist, breathed life into a bacterium using genes assembled in a laboratory. Reports that lightning, insane laughter and terrified local womenfolk were also involved remain unconfirmed.

Speaking from a mountaintop wearing what he deemed his 'special scientific robes' Dr Venter, who has grown a beard since creating Life, said, "I am not playing God. This is the next stage in our understanding, it is a baby step in our understanding of how life fundamentally works and maybe how we can get some new handles on how I can, as a Creator, control you puny microbial systems to benefit humanity. For I am not playing God - I AM God Praise me. PRAISE ME!"

So far Dr Venter, who is to change his name to He Who Giveth Life, has only created single bacteria in his experiments. However, he has insisted that he should be in a position to dominate the globe with massed ranks of genetically identical synthetic proto-humans by mid-June.

He, who recently renamed his laboratory the Yahweh Institute in honour of his newly-established Deity status, dismissed concerns that there was a danger of the technology being misused, and insisted that only He would have total and unrestrained control over nature, supported by his cloned army of synthetic humanoids.

Services of worship to the new Creator will be held across the globe on Sundays. The Pope is reported to have said that he, for one, welcomed our new synthetic overlords.

However, his assertions have been challenged by the watchdog group Human Genetics Alert. David King, the Director of HGA, said that his organisation would be conducting a demonstration outside the Yahweh Institute shortly, but refused to confirm whether pitchforks and flaming torches would be provided.

Union Warns of Strike Action over Coalition Government

Bloggers: Cameron coalition "far too sensible."

A prominent journalist union has announced that it is to ballot its members on strike action, in protest at the decisions and actions of the new Conservative & Liberal Democrat Coalition Government.

The Association of Raggers, Satirists, Entertainers and Scribblers are unhappy that the coalition Government, which came into power last Tuesday, has so far not done anything stupid enough to ridicule.

ARSES spokesman Dun Geekin said, "I know we've been spoiled by Labour's cretinous decision-making over the last thirteen years, but this sensibility is, quite frankly, literally beyond a joke. It's one thing having a honeymoon period, but normally in this sort of timescale we could expect Labour to have announced at least three ill-considered and unfunded crackpot schemes for us to take the piss out of.

"We thought there would be enough clowns in the new Government to be going on with - I mean, even Bozo the Cable's got a Cabinet post - but this lot is being far too sensible. All we've got right now is the Labour leadership contest, and it's getting ever more difficult to lampoon a political party that's a parody of itself and is thinking of appointing a banana-wielding village idiot as a Leader."

ARSES is calling on the Government to appoint a temporary Chief Idiot to the Cabinet, whose responsibility it would be to propound, and subsequently defend, stupid policies which bloggers could then deride. However, the spokesman insisted, "this role would only be needed until the Government was fully constituted and established. By that point we would expect them to have returned to the normal levels of idiocy we expect from our Leadership."

Rumours that former PM Gordon 'Colostomy' Brown may make a shock return to the Cabinet to fill the post demanded by ARSES remain unconfirmed. However, Labour MP Ed Balls has indicated that he would be interested in standing for the position, stating that his history of promoting absolute arrant bollocks makes him ideal for the Chief Idiot place.

Mr Geekin said that the results of a ballot on strike action would be expected shortly, once Bloggers could be persuaded to stop their usual intercenine ad-hominem battles and actually vote. However, he warned, "this is a serious matter. If our demands are not met, we will be forced to stop castigating Government actions and instead make stuff up. And we don't want to do that, because the mainstream media already do."

Appeal Court Reverses BA Strike Ban

Derek Simpson: "I'm alright, I always fly Virgin Business Class."

The trade union Unite were celebrating today after the Court of Appeal reversed a High Court injunction against strike action in their ongoing dispute with British Airways.

The Diary's legal correspondent reports that the Court of Appeal reversed the injunction on a 2:1 majority decision. The result paves the way for planned cabin crew strikes to take place over a number of coming weeks.

Strike action had been briefly averted on Monday by the injunction, which had ruled the ballot unlawful due to a technicality involving eleven spoiled ballot papers. However, the Court of Appeal decided that the ballot itself had been lawful, and that the technical failings were insufficient to rule the strike unlawful.

Unite General Secretary Derek Simpleton said, "this is a triumfant day, bruvvers. The original decision found struck at the 'eart of trades union democracy, meaning that we would 'ave to run ballots properly and technically rather than just downin' tools. Bruvvers.

"The decision by the Court of Appeal means we can return to our democratically-expressed wishes of putting our members out of work by forcing a national-flag airline, which already pays more than the average, into bankruptcy. Negotiations with BA continue but we look forward to our members spending time standing round braziers wearing donkey jackets, as is their democratic right, instead of facing commercial realities. Bruvvers."

A spokesman for British Airways, speaking on behalf of Chief Executive Willie Walsh, said, "we're fucked. Bye."

EXCLUSIVE: Jacqui Smith - Life After Politics

The former Home Secretary, hard at work in her new career.

Former Home Secretary Jacqui Beria has spoken movingly to The Diary of her struggle to adapt to life after politics following her defeat in the General Election on 6 May.

"I'm out of a job, like lots of people in this country at the moment - not that that's anything to do with me at all, honest", she told The Diary in a frank first interview since losing her Redditch seat to the Conservative candidate Karen Lumley.

The former Home Secretary, who lost her seat following the expenses scandal when it became clear that she'd claimed everything from porn to bathplugs on expenses, added, "it's a real struggle, and it makes me comprehend what the people of the UK are going through. All I have to survive on is my resettlement payment, my Ministerial pension and the vast amounts of money I saved over the years by getting the Proles to pay for everything.

"It's put stress on my marriage too. Poor Richard has been reduced to wanking over second-grade free porn sites now, instead of first-class taxpayer-funded filth. It's hardly fair, when I did so much for this country."

Ms Smith refused to rule out a return to politics at some time in the future, but said that she currently has no plans to remain in the political scene, instead choosing a career where she can use her 'skills and experience to best effect'.

The former Home Secretary said, "I'm considering my options, and with my history and record have a number of choices. There are negotiations ongoing for me to take on the role of Civil Liberties Minister in North Korea, and of course I'm waiting for my application to be considered to be a CCTV operator for Redditch Council."

However, sources close to Ms Smith have said that her most likely next role, given her looks and abilities, is truffle-hunting for a Normandy farmer.

Betting Opens for 'Creepy-Crawly Racing'

One of the competing Millipedes shows its competitive diet.

The UK Labour Party are to run a series of creepy-crawly races in Britain for the first time in 16 years, according to Millbank sources.

Creepy-crawly racing has not been seen in the UK since 1994, when a louse beat a dung-beetle and a horsefly in a one-sided contest. Races between loathsome creatures were subsequently banned, as it seemed the outcome tended to lead to damage to the country.

However, with the retirement of former champion gastropod Gordon Brown, Labour are to run a one-off Hurdles event later this year and have recently opened their entry lists.

The first runners for the 2010 Hopeless Case Steeplechase include two millipedes, both from the same stable though with different training approaches.

Betting pundit John McCririck said, "we've seen a lot of interest from the punters on the millipede entries. At the moment the smart money is on the older of the two - its recent diet of bananas should give it the legs in the long run. But don't underestimate the other one either, it's historically had plenty of energy and is a good outsider at a Burlington for a dark-horse win. Even though it's a millipede, not a horse. Obviously."

Other entrants are yet to declare, but there is some interest from the bookmakers on a female Black Widow, and an outside chance of a possible late-entrant leech, bred from a long-running stable of successful parasites.

However, there are still questions over the expected entry of Ed Balls to the race. While not technically a member of the animal kingdom, Balls is expected to enter the Hopeless Case Steeplechase on a technicality, in that he's a spineless invertebrate that most people would like the chance to squash.

Chancellor Orders Urgent Fiscal Review

Chancellor George Osborne ponders the profit margins in selling David Laws to medical science.

Chancellor George Osborne has ordered an immediate financial review, ahead of the new Coalition Government's first emergency Budget on 22 June.

In a memorandum sent to all Government departments, the Chancellor has urged 'a long hard look' to determine precisely what cuts will need to be made, and just how completely skint the country is, amidst fears that the previous Government were employing the little-known ecomonic theory of 'fantasy accounting' to report and calculate the UK's economy.

In the memo, exclusively obtained by The Diary, Mr Osborne says, "we must do all we can to find any money that might be left. Check all drawers and filing cabinets, and pull out the cushions from sofas in Departmental break-out areas. Don't forget to check under the floor-mats of Ministerial cars. There's GOT to be some cash, somewhere. Except in the Treasury, of course."

Rumours that all former Ministers are to be recalled to their offices, held upside down and shaken until change falls from their pockets remain unconfirmed.

The Chancellor is also to introduce a new Office of Budget Regeneration, which will be tasked with actually getting hold of what little cash is left in the UK and using it to pay down the National Debt. While full plans for cost-cutting have not yet been published, initial suggestions include the sale of all Ministerial vehicles to webuyanycar.com, and the creation of a 'Budget Cleanup Team' who will wash windscreens at Westminster traffic lights for spare change from drivers.

Following reports in The Times that the outgoing Labour Government pursued a 'scorched earth' policy leaving billions of previously hidden debts, making the UK's fiscal situation even worse than previously believed, the new OBR is also to research a new 'stocks based' approach to Budget regeneration, whereby former Labour Ministers will be placed in pillories around the country and members of the public invited to throw eggs and rotten fruit at the profligate scumbags. Conservative estimates put the revenue from this potential stream at close to £10bn - a figure that could well be doubled if the bankrupted Electorate were permitted to throw half-bricks instead.

Schumacher Penalised for Monaco Pass

Schumacher: payback's a bitch....

Veteran Formula One ace Michael Schumacher has been penalised for an illegal manoeuvre at yesterday's Monaco Grand Prix, demoting him from fifth place to twelfth.

Schumacher, who started the race in seventh on the grid, drove a determined race to finally seize fifth on the final lap, but the stewards adjudged his overtaking move to be illegal and applied a 20-second penalty.

Shumacher fell foul of the little-known but oft-used Article 40:3377274-7732425, Subsection 873286368 of the Formula One Sporting Regulations, which states: "Overtaking is not permitted under any circumstances if the car ahead is a Ferrari. Additionally, all cars are required to permit Ferraris to pass under all circumstances".

The stewards decided that in view of the fact that Schumacher had overtaken Ferrari's Fernando Alonso - who had used the rule to good effect to rise from last place to fifth during the race - approaching the final corner on the final lap, he was in breach of the sporting regulations.

Ferrari boss Stefano Domenicali said, "our understanding of the rule is pretty clear - you can't overtake the red cars. Simples."

Domenicali added that he was to lobby the FIA for further changes to the sporting regulations to ensure that Ferrari were guaranteed the first two grid places, with the qualifying process then settling the positions from third backward.

Mercedes have announced that they will appeal the decision, however Monaco steward Damon Hill - who made the decision to penalise Schumacher - said, "aha. Payback's a bitch, ain't it? Aha ha ha haaaaa. HAAAAA HAAAA HAAA HAAAAAAA!"

Cameron/Clegg Coalition Promises 'New Way Forward'

Prime Minister David Cameron and his new Deputy, Nick Clegg, have shown a united front as they gave a first joint press conference promising a new way forward in British politics.

Walking through the Rose Garden of 10 Downing St. together, Mr Cameron and Mr Clegg held hands and gazed adoringly into each others eyes as they announced their new shared Cabinet, which includes 5 senior Liberal Democrat MPs in high office.

Mr Cameron said, "this is the dawning of a new age of politics. When I first became Leader of the Conservative Party, I said I wanted an end to 'Punch-and-Judy' politics. With a new start and a new approach, I believe we can now be more like Richard and Judy. The Election result gives us a chance finally to put an end to adversarial politics - this Hung Parliament has, and will, become the Hug Parliament. If I can hug a hoodie, I can certainly give Cleggie a cuddle.

"For too long, the Conservatives have laboured under the sobriquet of the 'nasty party', and this simply isn't true. The Conservatives are nice. The Conservatives are lovely, fuzzy and snuggly, and we wuv evewybody, especially the wuvvely Wib Dems", he added, fondly squeezing Mr Clegg's cheek.

His sentiments were echoed by Mr Clegg, who ended their joint conference to the world's media with a coquettish peck on Mr Cameron's cheek.

Mr Cameron and his new wife Deputy have also announced that key Government roles are to be renamed to reflect the sentiments and objectives of the new coalition. Many Ministerial posts in the new 'Hug Parliament' are yet to be announced, however the key roles have been filled by a mix of members of both parties:

Kenneth Clark (Con) - Minister for Being Lovely to Criminals;
Andrew Lansley (Con) - Minister for Kissing It Better;
Vince Cable (LD) - Minister for Buttering Up Businesses;
Danny Alexander (LD) - Minister for Placating Porridge Wogs*;
Patrick McLoughlin - Chief of Politely Asking MP's to Vote;
George Osborne (Con) - Minister for Spending Money Really Carefully;
William Hague (Con) - Minister for Friendships with Foreigners;
Teresa May (Con) - Obergruppenfuhrer.

Further appointments are expected to be made in the next few days, however Messrs Cameron and Clegg insisted that any and all appointments would be made in line with their new, shared political vision.

Both men refused to comment on media speculation that the Government are to appoint two Tellytubbies and a Care Bear to senior posts.


* The title of the new post, formerly Scottish Secretary, is subject to revision pending the outcome of local focus groups.**

** Once the local focus group has sobered up.***

*** Which will be sometime in 2018.

Celebrity Love Shock Split Triangle Shocker!

Back together again: and she's brought him flowers.

The celebrity world was reeling in shock today following the announcement that Nicky 'Jordan' Clegg, who shot to fame when she came third in talent show 'Britain's Got Votes 2010', sensationally dumped veteran boy-band frontman Gordo Brown just a day after publicly declaring their shared affection.

Sources close to Miss Clegg confirmed the acrimonious split this afternoon, and it is believed she is to rekindle her on/off relationship with method actor Davey 'Faceman' Cameron, who recently overcame poor reviews for his performances in Star Trek: DS9 to lead his cast to glory in the Westminster play 'A Time For Change, Honest'.

The two had originally separated just 24 hours before, after the news broke that Miss Clegg had been having secret trysts with Gordo behind Davey's back. It was widely expected that Nicky and Gordo were preparing a shock announcement of their engagement - however it now appears that Miss Clegg has returned to her original fiance.

A spokesman for Miss Clegg said, "I just couldn't handle it. Gordo's lovely, and when he makes his promises they really sound genuine. But marrying Gordo means marrying the rest of his band, and everyone knows it's Pete that calls the shots. I've got to do what's right for me, and if I want stardom I'm only going to find that with Davey."

Gordo, whose boy-band Nu Layba shot to fame in 1997 before a disappointing set of performances led to their decline from popularity in the last decade, shrugged off Miss Clegg's words, saying, "I binned HER, innit, coz she's a slag and she's like been with Tories and that. And she's frigid." He is reportedly being comforted by bandmates Pete and Ed at his London home.

Nu Layba are widely expected to announce their own split within the next few days.

Davey Cameron has stayed out of the public eye since the announcement was made by his girlfriend, however a close friend said that he was delighted Nicky has returned to him. The friend added, "Davey always knew she'd come back. There's no way Gordo will ever get his Cleggover."

PR guru Max Clifford was unavailable for comment, as he doesn't want to have anything to do with the power-and-publicity-hungry bunch of vultures.

It's LibCon That We Want

Given the ongoing mutual flirtation between Messrs Clegg and Cameron, there's only one song that really does these negotiations justice. And it is:


NICKY
Tell me about it. . . Prime Minister!

DAVE
I got Bills,
Need ratifying,
Yet I've not got control,
But the seats that,
You're supplyin',
Could leave Labour cryin'!

NICKY
You better share power,
'Cause I have the plan,
That gives Downing Street to you,
You better share power;
But you better understand,
Nothing but PR will do,

DAVE:
Got no choice, gotta push that reform through,

BOTH:
It's LibCon that we want!
(LibCon is what we want), o,o, oo, honey.
It's LibCon that we want!
(LibCon is what we want), o,o,oo, honey.
It's LibCon that we want!
(LibCon is what we want), o,o, ooooo
It's what we need,
A Majority!

NICKY:
If the General Election,
Left you shy of a mandate,
Then our collaboration,
Is your way,

DAVE:
I better share power,
'Cause you have the plan,
NICKY
I have the plan,
Puts you on the winning side,
DAVE
I better share power,
if I'm gonna prove,
NICKY
you better prove,
that my faith is justified,

DAVE
If we share,

BOTH:
We'll hang Gordon out to dry!


It's LibCon that we want!
(LibCon is what we want), o,o, oo, honey.
It's LibCon that we want!
(LibCon is what we want), o,o,oo, honey.
It's LibCon that we want!
(LibCon is what we want), o,o, ooooo
It's what we need,
A Majority!

Repeat Chorus until the Queen's Speech...

For Sale:

FOR SALE

One backbone.

One Scottish owner, never used, would suit TV political correspondent with swiftly-changing allegiance.

Quick sale required due to urgent house-clearance.

Also available: one pair unused testicles, one brain and a crash-damaged dignity. Could sell as a job-lot now I haven't got a job.

Collection from Downing Street, London, probably by early next week.

The Start of Something New?

The dawn of collaborative politics?

Wow. What a day (and a half).

I've now been up for just over 36 hours, utterly unable overnight to take my eyes off a developing drama that rivalled anything TV writers could come up with. And now the evening is here, and whisky in hand it's time to reflect.

And here we are. Hung Parliament, and the initial offers are on the table to Prince Nick the Kingmaker. And that's what I want to talk about.

Firstly - I think credit is due to Nick Clegg. Despite a performance overnight that must have had his morale in his boots, he still had the integrity to stand by his original promise and offer the Party with the most seats first chance to negotiate for Lib Dem support.

Then we had Colostomy Brown's response. It wasn't statesmanlike. It put me in mind of a child, offering promises that will never be kept so they can stay up and watch the Dr Who special. "Pleeeeeeeeease, I'll tidy my room EVERY day, promise, just let me have another half an hour" became, from the mouth of the former Prime Minister, "pleeeeeeeeease, I'll give you a referendum, and discuss matters of mutual interest, I promise, just let me stay in No. 10." It was undignified, rank with the stench of desperation and, when all is said and done, would never happen.

Don't forget - and you can be sure that Nick Clegg and Vince Cable are well aware - if you make a deal with Gordon Brown, you're actually signing yourself over to Peter Mandelson. Who really isn't known for his integrity. And if Labour's Manifesto promises aren't subject to legitimate expecation, how could the Liberal Democrats - or anyone else - trust what they offer in the pit of despair and the frantic scrabble to keep hold of the levers of power?

Then, there's David Cameron.

Cameron spoke from an odd position. He knew he could try for a minority Government, and made his knowledge of that obliquely clear, yet he chose to speak from a position of compromise. He spoke with knowledge of the Liberal Democrat positions, offered clear, detailed (and most importantly, televised) guarantees to some of those positions. He specified his own limit points, and offered a negotiation point on the key issue of electoral reform.

I personally think the final outcome of those negotiations will - should be - a Committee of Enquiry to establish the best method of voting reform, followed by a Referendum on the adoption of the voting method. Perhaps with a Conservative option to campaign against, just as a sop to those in the Conservatives so anti-PR.

I think that Clegg and Cameron have acted with dignity, maturity and the best interests of the country at heart - and having thought about it, I believe a negotiated Con-Lib collaboration could be good for both.

For the Conservatives, it is time to realise that the old two-party system is in its death throes, and people are tired of seeing large vote shares for minority parties result in small seat gains. Those in the Conservative party who refuse to acknowledge this - tough. Go and talk to Douglas Carswell, and realise FPTP is outmoded, outdated and needs to go.

A collaboration with the Liberal Democrats will allow the Conservatives to make a start on the rebuilding of society we so desperately need. Labour will fight us all the way. With the Lib Dems on board, we have more chance of making change happen.

Finally, transparent compromise politics with the Lib Dems will help dispel the last of the 'nasty party' smears which still reverberate around the Electorate. That's why it's good for the Tories.

For the Liberal Democrats, collaboration with the Tories will properly entrench multi-party politics. It will grant them a power they would not normally have under FPTP - the opportunity to drive through some of their own changes to rebuild society. And it will give them a chance to take electoral reform to the people, who can then decide. Those in the Lib-Dems screaming they'll never work with the Tories - tough. You're in the wrong party, go and join Labour.

Overall, it felt to me that today was the day that British politics perhaps began to grow up. A period of compromise, of good consensus law after years of three-line-whipped majority decisions, of shared aspiration for the country instead of ideological cant.

I've said before that I thought a strong majority was needed. Perhaps it is, but on reflection perhaps that majority need not come from a single party. I believe that what we've seen today could be the start of not just the nation's regeneration, but of the political system.

I hope that politicians and activists of both parties will look closely at this, think objectively and with national interests at heart, and behave with the dignity and sense of compromise their Leaders have shown today.

And let's go to work.

A Song For Gordon

Now all the voting's done,
And for you the Election's gone wrong,
Your chances of survival are none,
These are your final days,
And nobody now wants you to stay,
You've wrecked the country since your first day,
oh and we're sick of you, we are sick of you,
Your thirteen years have buggered us all,
Now hear the Electorate caaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaall,


CHORUS
Gordon GO!
Listen and do what you're told,
The people have spoken, you know,
You are contemptible,
Time you were leaving!

So just GO!
Get out and never return,
You simply have to learn,
You are contemptible,
Time you were leaving!


Now with your chances gone,
We've had enough of smearing and lying,
From you and all your partners in crime,
It's only three years ago
That you took over Tony Blair's place
And since that time you've been a disgrace,
We've had enough of you, had enough of you,
You've lost the right to govern at all,
Now hear the Electorate caaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaall,


Gordon GO!
Listen and do what you're told,
The people have spoken, you know,
You are contemptible,
Time you were leaving!

So just GO!
Get out and never return,
You simply have to learn,
You are contemptible,
Time you were leaving!


You've lost the right to govern at all,
Now hear the Electorate caaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaall,


Gordon GO!
Listen and do what you're told,
The people have spoken, you know,
You are contemptible,
Time you were leaving!

So just GO!
Get out and never return,
You simply have to learn,
You are contemptible,
Time you were leaving!

....Repeat chorus until you finally bugger off out of Downing Street....


#brownresign #concede

BREAKING: Nick Clegg Arrested

Clegg touts for trade.

Reports have reached The Diary that Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has been arrested for selling himself on the streets of London.

The news comes after a disastrous Election night for the Limp Dumbs, with the Party losing seats from the 2005 count and losing several key figures, including Dr Evan Harris and that bloke who once made the papers for knobbing a Transylvanian anorexic.

Metropolitan Police sources confirmed the arrest, which was part of a covert operation implemented after an anonymous tipoff that political prostitution may be happening in the Cowley Street area of London.

A Scotland Yard spokesman said, "as part of the operation, an undercover officer observed the suspect adopting a provocative pose outside Lib Dem HQ."

Consulting his notebook, the spokesman added, "The officer approached the suspect, purporting to be a representative of the Conservative Party. Mr Clegg...sorry...the suspect then said, "you Tory boy? Me give you power longtime, we make deal?

"The officer requested that the suspect elaborate, and the suspect then said, "Basics support is a hand in the Treasury and, an oral role in the Home Office, but it's PR for the full Monty, OK ducks?"

The spokesman said that at this point the officer identified himself and the suspect was arrested on suspicion of prostitution.

Sources within the Liberal Democrats were unavailable for comment as they were too busy working out how to stroke Peter Mandelson if needed. However, Vince Cable was keen to point out that he'd predicted it all.

Jacqui's Gone

Well we may not have castrated Balls (though it was a bloody good try), we did get one scalp I was particularly hoping for.

So well done to Karen Lumley MP and her team, and celebrate the unlamented departure of Jacqboots Smith in song.

It's a victory, joy we can't contain,
Won't be paying for her porn flicks again,
As she's gone, gone, gone, gone, Jacqui's gone,
And we don't care, don't care, don't care,
Where she's gone gone gone gone, Jacqui's gone.

On Election night, Redditch got it right,
Kicked that trougher out to our great delight,
As she's gone, gone, gone, gone, Jacqui's gone,
And we don't care, don't care, don't care,
Where she's gone gone gone gone, Jacqui's gone.

Ooh yes, she tried to claim for,
Every little thing that she could see,
Ooh, but now she's voted out,
Now she has to face reality

On Election night, Redditch got it right,
Kicked that trougher out to our great delight,
As she's gone, gone, gone, gone, Jacqui's gone,
And we don't care, don't care, don't care,
Where she's gone gone gone gone, Jacqui's gone.

It's a victory, joy we can't contain,
Won't be paying for her porn flicks again,
As she's gone, gone, gone, gone, Jacqui's gone,
And we don't care, don't care, don't care,
Where she's gone gone gone gone, Jacqui's gone.

Gone, gone, gone, gone, Jacqui's gone,
And we don't care, don't care, don't care,
Where she's gone gone gone gone, Jacqui's gone.

BREAKING: Police Called to Conservative HQ

Sources are reporting that Police have been called to the London Headquarters of the Conservative Party this morning, following a complaint of antisocial behaviour.

Metropolitan Police sources confirmed that units had been despatched to the Millbank offices following a series of calls from senior activists and MPs, with the most recent call to 999 made by Tory Leader David Cameron.

A Scotland Yard spokesman said, "we were called to an address in Millbank, SW1, following complaints of antisocial behaviour and noise pollution.

"We discovered an overweight lady singing outside the building, and we understand that she has been doing so since 10pm last night despite hopes that she would have finished singing by early morning."

Sources said that one arrest has been made, but that as far as the Conservative Party were concerned, it was unlikely the fat lady would cease singing for some time yet.

Reports that David Cameron has no cigar remain unconfirmed.

Live Election Night Coverage

Well, what did you expect?

Murdoch Murdoch Murdoch.

Murdoch Murdoch Murdoch. Murdoch Murdoch Murdoch. Murdoch Murdoch. Murdoch Murdoch Murdoch. Murdoch Murdoch Murdoch. Murdoch Murdoch Murdoch. Murdoch Murdoch Murdoch.

It's a Murdoch conspiracy!

When the Conservatives have the most seats tomorrow, overall majority or not, it will apparently all be the fault of Murdoch.

Yep. Murdoch wrote the Dodgy Dossier and sent our troops to war on a lie. Murdoch sold the gold at bargain-basement prices. Murdoch personally introduced over 30 new offences per month. Murdoch raided pension funds in a way even Robert Maxwell couldn't have dreamed of. Murdoch presided over the institution of a benefits culture so endemic that over eight million people are now 'economically inactive'. Murdoch installed 1 CCTV camera for every 14 citizens, and defied court decisions in a desperate, Stalinist attempt to get everyone he could on a DNA database. Murdoch arrested a serving Member of the Opposition for holding the Government to account. Murdoch probably arranged the volcanic ash so Saint Tone couldn't get back to campaign.

Murdoch my arse.

Were those currently bleating about the horrors of the 'Murdoch Media' screaming when the Sun endorsed Labour from 1997 onward? I think not.

Murdoch is simply the latest and, thankfully, last limp excuse from a 'movement' that even in its last dying hours cannot admit that its own actions have led to its demise.

Do Yourself A Favour

TV's Dyer Becomes Charity Patron

Zoo magazine once again demonstrate their quality editorial values.

TV 'hard man' Danny Dyer has spoken of facing his 'hardest challenge yet', as it was announced that he is to become patron of support helpline The Samaritans.

Dyer, 33, was offered the role by the charity in honour of his lifelong commitment to relationship counselling. A spokesman for Samaritans said, "we have been very impressed with Danny's sensitivity and tact in difficult situations, and especially with his sterling work as Agony Twat for Zoo magazine. His suggestion to one correspondent that he cut his ex-girlfriend 'so nobody else would want her' is a perfect example of the empathy we require of Samaritans volunteers."

Mr Dyer's agent said that Dyer was delighted to accept the position of Patron, and would be volunteering regularly to man phone lines for the charity. He added, "It's his hardest challenge yet,but Danny believes sincerely in the caring work of Samaritans and will be doing all he can to help in his inimitable style. After all, there's nobody so suicidal that they won't feel better after getting on the booze and smashing anything that moves."

Mr Dyer himself was unavailable for comment, as he'd cut his finger on Zoo magazine and was getting his mummy to put a plaster on it.

13 Years

Presented with only one further comment. Vote Conservative.

Holiday Twat of the Week

Ricky Gervais, with standard conceited expression.

It was almost perfect. Almost.

Glorious Spanish sunshine. 35 degrees. A beautifully-appointed apartment with everything thought of, from iPod dock to Nespresso machine, and a peaceful pool - all far enough away from the Little Britain of Marbella for me to forget I was on the Costa Del Sol.

We even managed to get through the mandatory sales pitch (a requirement for the stupidly-cheap short break we'd wangled) without the rep suffering serious or long-term injuries.

It was, quite simply, glorious.

Even our return seemed blessed - instead of the expected Sleazyjet transport, where comfort is not on the options list, we were treated to the leather upholstery and vast legroom of a chartered TitanAir 757. All was looking good. Until they started the in-flight movie.

It was Ricky Gervais, 'starring' in 'The Invention of Lying'.

Thankfully, I couldn't hear it (I wasn't going to pay £3 for a set of earphones to hear his whiny, adenoidal Estuary-speak). It was bad enough enduring two hours of his face on-screen every time I looked up from my book.

Ricky Gervais brings out in me an immediate and irrational rage normally reserved solely for Labour politicians. I find it nigh-on impossible to discern why this lumpen cretin with his stupid piggy eyes and his stupid pointy teeth and his stupid permanently conceited expression should be such a darling of TV and movies, both here and in Hollywood. The only reasoning would seem to be his unutterable arrogance - he seems to expect that he should be a star, and somehow his simple expectation has been sufficient to make him so despite his being about as attractive as bowel disease and as talented as a sedated halibut.

There's only one film I would like to be made starring Ricky Gervais. It's the home movie where he's nailed to a chair and then beaten repeatedly in the face with a sharpened spade. And then set on fire.

If anyone would like a full synopsis or the DVD rights, let me know.

Ricky Gervais. Twat.

Government Insists Postal Votes 'Fit for Purpose'

The Government have insisted that the postal voting system is 'fit for purpose', after it transpired that police have launched 50 criminal inquiries nationwide into allegations of vote-rigging.

Officials have reported a flood of postal vote applications in marginal seats, with a total of 7 million registered postal voters of an estimated total electorate of 46 million. The Electoral Commission, which oversees the elections process, has warned that widespread postal voting is open to fraud.

In one occasion, a resident in one flat in Bethnall Green was surprised to learn that according to postal vote registrations, eight complete strangers were also living in the small flat she shares with her partner.

However, the concerns were dismissed by Justice Minister Laventiy Straw, who said, "these allegations are merely Tory propaganda to divert attention from the truth of the matter, which is the incredible level of popular support for the Labour Party. These so-called 'phantom voters' are nothing of the sort - they are simply people registering to vote and to show their support for the Party."

Mr Straw insisted, "the voting system is completely fit for purpose - that purpose, of course, being to ensure that the Labour Party remains in power. We are sure of our support and certain of a victory at the polls."

Surveys of the most marginal seats, where the election will be decided, have revealed a surge in postal voting. In the key marginals of Edinburgh South and Barnet, postal votes are up by 60 per cent, while Brighton has seen an increase of 40 per cent in voter registration.

Mr Straw insisted that the system would produce a 'correct and fair outcome', however, despite the allegations. He added that he expected a further surge in support for Labour on Election day, when he confidently predicted that the occupants of cemeteries and crematoria in marginal constituencies would also be rising from the dead to vote for Labour.

Robert Mugabe was unavailable for comment.

Jake Again

A spot of Jake Thackray again for the Bank Holiday.

As he says himself - this song is dirty ;-)



Dungeekin is on holiday. Normal service resumes 4 May.

Polling: Food for Thought.

When all the polling analysis is said and done, this should be food for thought.

Note how Labour has performed significantly and consistently below expectations. Which parallels their thirteen years in power, really.

h/t Shane Greer.

Dungeekin is on holiday. Normal service resumes 4 May.

Priest Off!

As it's Sunday, here's a little something of a religious bent.



Dungeekin is on holiday. Normal service will resume 4 May.