Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Vote Labour Instead!

I see that Tom Harris has sharpened* his sarcasm pencil, and had a crack at satirising the Conservative Manifesto.

So....right back atcha, Tom. Let's have a little lookie at your spoof, and see what comes up, shall we?

DAVID Cameron today unveiled a new blueprint for empowering voters: “British citizens have had enough of top-down, ‘the state knows best’, government. People want to take back control of their lives. That’s why today we’re unveiling our new DIY government. “Pestered by yobs out in the street? Disappointed at a slow police response to your phone calls? A Conservative government will issue everyone with state-of-the-art body armour and water cannon, so you can start to protect your own neighbourhood and home. Specially-trained and cruelly-raised Alsation dogs will be issued as resources allow.

Vote Labour instead! You won't get any police around, because they'll be too tied-up filling in the 37 different risk-assessment forms they need to complete before putting on a helmet, strapping on a stab-vest or opening the door to the panda car, even before they assess whether they should attend as criminals on-site may put them at risk.

If you're lucky, though, they might send a Pseudoplod. That's if you call 999 - the non-emergency number isn't operating outside working hours.

And if, by some incredible freak of chance, the little scrote burgling your house is arrested, he can't go to a YOI (as it would infringe his rights as a yong person), he can't be sent to prison (as there aren't any places left), and Government sentencing guidelines means that he'll only get a Community Order longer than 200 hours if he actually beat your wife to death with your pet cat. And of course if you give him a well-earned clout in the commission of his crime, you'll be the one in front of the beak because you're a nasty homeowning Capitalist and he's a poor, deprived benefits-claimant because Thatcher stole his milk.

Labour will implement a new targeting system, ensuring that the list of reportable crimes is carefully managed to show you, the British people, how crime is falling. It'll give your relatives something to read while you're in the funeral home.

Don't vote for personal responsibility. Vote Labour instead - tough on crime statistics, tough on the victims of crime.

“Not confident that your children are receiving the best education from your local comprehensive? The Conservatives will allow you finally to give up your job and retrain as a home educator. A Tory government will run its own, specially condensed three-week degree courses in ‘English’, ‘Mathematics’ and ‘Global Warming – Seriously?’ so you can qualify as a teacher and take responsibility for your children’s own education. And no Big Brother inspector-type will have the power to stop you teaching your kids that the earth is 6000 years old, that dinosaurs existed until the mid-1950s and that the stork plays a much bigger role in procreation than was previously assumed.

Vote Labour instead! None of this home-teaching or 'education' rubbish.

Under Labour, we'll ensure that your children learn about Fairtrade before they learn about handwriting. Our core Geography curriculum, for example will open your children's minds to the wonders of the world while reminding them that the only good countries are ones like Cuba, which has excellent healthcare, and that Britain would of course had the same if Thatcher hadn't stolen the milk.

Evolution? Intelligent Design? Global Warming? Labour has the answer to all the questions posed by independent inquiring minds - by removing the independence and the inquiry. By the time we've finished with your child at 18, under a Labour Government, they'll have 26 A* GCSE's, 7 A* A-Levels, functional illiteracy and any sense of responsibility replaced with the sense of entitlement fostered in our 'citizenship' courses. And they'll get a guaranteed place to read 'Big Brother Studies' at University, and the right to submit essays and theses in txt spk.

All this we will achieve through the use of top-down targets, which have worked so well in the last thirteen years, and we will produce lots of statistics to prove to you that under Labour, every single child in Britain is in fact a genius.

Don't vote for individuality. Vote Labour instead, and give your children the chance you never had to live, thick and unquestioning, on benefits for their entire lives.

“Scared by the prospect of international nuclear proliferation? Worry no more! We’ll give you and your neighbours all the resources you need to build your own nuclear weapons, without interference from these busy-body non-proliferation treaties and goody two-shoes like President Obama. Iran won’t dare threaten number 12 Cedar Grove without thinking twice, then, eh?

Vote Labour instead! Becuase we're fully committed to nuclear non-proliferation, and to give up one of our Trident submarines as part of a 'global grand bargain' on disarmament. Except when we're actually in a vital constituency, when we're not. Er...

Oh, and you can trust us on conventional forces too. Under Labour we can guarantee (inasfar as Labour Manifesto promises are legally binding) that we won't commit British Forces to a non-UN sanctioned invasion on the basis of trumped-up, sexed up and fabricated evidence. Then whitewash the Inquiries. And gag the troops in the runup to a General Election. Honest. Thatcher! Remember her?

“Now, I know that some people are suspicious about my record on the NHS, what with me inventing the Patient’s Passport five years ago and all that. Well, I’m making amends. Our new ‘People Power’ health service will put YOU in the driving seat. Need an operation and don’t want to wait? Don’t want to risk catching a disease in a dirty, stinking, filthy, horrible, yucky NHS hospital? I don’t blame you! So we’ll give you a blank book of prescription forms. Use the internet to diagnose yourself and just take your prescription to the chemist. No silly big government-funded ‘doctors’ or ’surgeons’ getting in your way…

Vote Labour instead! Remember those three important words - National. Health. Service. Labour are the Party of the NHS.

Specifically, under Labour we'll ensure that ever-more of your money (well, when I say your money I obviously mean our money, because once we've taxed you it's ours. Which is why we like taxing so very much!) will be invested into further targets to point at, and even more administrators to administer the administration of those targets, and to produce statistics to show you how we're reaching the administration of those targets.

Of course, you'll still have to hand over your house if you want geriatric care, and you'll still die of MRSA if you go in to have that ingrown toenail removed, but from the top down, looking at the statistics, we'll have a Health Services that matches Cuba. Which we would have had before were it not for Thatcher stealing the milk.

Individual responsibility for one's society -what a horrific prospect!

The very idea that people should be encouraged to think for themselves, take ownership and responsibility, and feel some sort of connection to their country and political servants is quite simply abhorrent!

This evil Manifesto from the Nasty Party would, quite simply, put at risk thirteen years of sterling Labour effort in:

  • Reducing people’s sense of personal responsibility;
  • Blaming everything on everyone else;
  • Spending money we don’t have on projects that don’t work, then blaming
    everyone else;
  • Making ‘rights’ the first of education’s “Three R’s” - and not really bothering with any of the others;
  • Introducing laws that restrict the day-to-day lives of ordinary, decent people in favour of Government snooping;
  • Doing more damage to Civil Liberties than two World Wars and a thirty-year
    terror campaign, all in the name of ’security’.

Yes, Tom, I can see why NOBODY would be swayed at all by the Conservative Manifesto.

*Not particularly sharp, but nice try.

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Dioclese said...

Not being funny, but I have always believed that if a person breaks into your home in the middle of the night, you should have the right to shoot the bastard.

Contraversial, I know, but it works well in Texas....

angelneptunestar said...

Labour should leave the satire to the people with brains.

Here is my second poster idea for the Tories.

NickM said...

Tom Harris and all the rest should be tortured to death.

I'd happily stick a soldering iron up his jap's-eye and take his eyeballs out with a teaspoon then coat the rest in Pedigree Chum and throw him to starving stray dogs.