The news that a grouping of Chavvus Inarticulatus, in frenzy, has been seen in the wild in the UK has had many of the world's leading primate experts rushing to the scene to study these feral creatures in an unnatural habitat.
Naturalist and television presenter David Attenborough said, "the presence of a rage-frenzy of C. Inarticulatus is a rare and special sight and one that linguo-anthropologists and behavioural analysts will value for minutes – if not hours.
"It is not a sight that is commonly witnessed by experts, as when viewing feral chavs in their natural habitat most experts have had their heads kicked in before they've been able to make detailed observations."
The research team, from the Paleoanthropology Unit at St Twat’s College Oxford, are cancelling their long-running research into tribal warfare in the Congo to study the creatures' behaviour, believing there is evidence of ‘the missing link’ between the animal and human kingdoms.
Research Leader Andrew Apeprodder said, "we are certain that the rage display - showing C. Inarticulatus at the height of their Stella-induced tribal fury - will be invaluable in defining just how many chromosomes are missing between humans and chavs. We are especially interested in the mental processes relating to behavioural justification, specifically how anybody who can urinate through someone elses' letterbox can even be a member of Homo Sapiens, much less a 'loved and respected member of Rochdale'.
Further researchers from the Jane Goodall Institute are also to join the team. A spokesman said that it made sense to give up on gorillas for the opportunity to study these 'more basic and far more antisocial' anthropoids.
The Diary (carefully*) approached a spokesthing for the C. Inarticulatus mob, who said, "u cn jst fck of coz its respec innit, he wuz only pissing fru that blks letrbox an hes as much rite 2 do that as he wants and he was proper cul and a daddy n fings so sho sum respec yea? Innit."
* And carrying large quantities of Stella and Elizabeth Duke jewellery to placate the animals.