Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Opposition Parties Attack 'Fantasy' Tory Manifesto

A proper Manifesto from a proper Party - so will be attacked on spurious, smear-laden untruths.

Labour and the Liberal Democrats have attacked the Conservative Party's Manifesto, released today, as 'fantasy' and 'unrealistic'.

Launching the Manifesto, 'An Invitation to Join the Government of Britain', Tory leader David Cameron claimed it offered an 'ambitious and optimistic plan for economic recovery and growth, a strong society and radical political reform.

Conservatives offer a change from "Big Government to Big Society", with the State no longer micro-managing public services and directing society but strengthening society and making public services serve the people who use them, said the manifesto.

The Tory Manifesto is believed by many to offer the antidote to the current political malaise in Britain, inculcating a sense of ownership and responsibility currently missing from the Government's top-down approach. This is borne out by Conservative plans to allow local people to 'sack' their MPs should they be found guilty of any wrongdoing, the direct election of police chiefs and local referenda. Conservative MP Douglas Carswell described the Manifesto as 'the boldest, most exciting party manifesto in a generation'.

However, Labour leader Colostomy Brown derided the Conservative Manifesto as 'fantasy', saying, "this is an 'every man for himself' manifesto, which puts responsibility in the hands of people. It is an act of fantasy, and would put at risk the last thirteen years of hard work by Labour in destroying the concept of personal responsibility. It is right, therefore, that the people should reject the nasty party's prospect of responsibility, and instead allow Labour to continue to do all their thinking and spending for them so they can sit on their arses, picking up benefits and watching 'Britain's Got Talent'. People should trust in the Big State, not the individual society."

His sentiments were echoed by Labour's Twitter Twat Supremo John Prescott, who said, "No, yes, listen, the Tory toffs manifesto is, and let me finish, you've, no, you've had your say and anyway toffs independented personable respubbability, which I think makes things perfectly clear, and to clarifacable, in point of fact, people should voting Labour, and another thing, or I'll punch the fuckers like in 2005. Oh, and as I can't actually debate commonsense issues as we haven't got any - issues or common sense, let's spoof their Manifesto front cover on Twitter."

For the Liberal Democrats, Nick Clegg described the Conservative Manifesto as 'unrealistic', which sources at The Diary have translated as 'a bloody sight more realistic than anything the Limp Dumbs could come up with'. He then proceeded to rant on about 'bankers' and 'fairness' again, but in all honesty your Correspondent wasn't listening.

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1 comment:

Dioclese said...

I have just read the Labour and Conservative manifestos (which makes me a sad twat). I didn't bother to read the LibDem one because they have no bloudy chance of getting in so are free to indulge in fantasy policies.

I doubt Prescott has read it as thoroughly as me because
(a)he's an illiterate twat (see his blog for proof)
(b)he's not interested in the good bits
(c)it doesn't come with a pork pie and chips

Seriously - I found the Tory presentation boring and the Labour presentation fanciful and immature.

At least the Tories have worked out that if you scrapped half the civil service, no-one would notice (I speak from personal insider exerience of several departments)