Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Harry Potter and the Labour Fourth Term

Harry sat dejectedly on Platform 8 3/4, waiting for the delayed arrival of the stopping service to Michael Foot Community College and trying to avoid the pointed looks from the gang of feral Muggle pupils spray-painting obscenities on the platform walls.

"Gosh", thought Harry. "Hogwarts has really changed since it was denied its fee-paying status and merged with a failing inner-city comprehensive."

Looking up, Harry's eyes lit up and he grabbed his wand as he saw Hermione making her way along the platform toward him, deftly dodging the Muggles' thrown beer-cans. Then, he remembered the CCTV cameras and hurriedly stuffed his wand back into his trousers.

"Gosh, Hermione", said Harry, hoping she hadn't noticed his protruding wand. "You look glum, what's the matter?"

"It's the classes this term", said Hermione, absently stroking her pussy. "I had hoped to do Advanced Potions this year, but Mr Balls at the Ministry says that it would be elitist and unfair, so I have to do double Muggle Rights instead."

Just then, there was a great commotion, and Harry spied Ron and Ginny Weasley dashing along Platform 8 3/4 toward him, with Mrs Weasley hurrying along behind, more flustered than ever before.

"Gosh, Mrs Weasley", said Harry. "You look flustered!"

"Hello Harry, hello Hermione", gasped Mrs Weasley. "I'm all at sixes and sevens - we've just had to walk here. Mr Weasley's car's broken down again and we can't afford to get it repaired. Shame we never did get that married-person's tax break - we'd have been able to repair that old banger then! Oh well, mustn't grumble!

Eventually, the train arrived and Harry, Hermione and the Weasleys struggled on board. They tried to find their usual first-class carriage but it was full of MPs, so settled for a corner of the cramped Standard Class, taking it in turns to sit in the single available seat.

"Hello Harry, Hermione, Ron!", said the friendly buffet-trolley attendant - at least, Harry thought that was what he said, but since the attendant was a Kyrgyzstani illegal immigrant who spoke not a word of English, Harry simply replied with a friendly nod.

"Gosh, Harry!", piped Ron. "They've got masses of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans! Shall we get some?"

"Not this time, Ron", said Harry gloomily. "The death taxes on my parents estate has left me with no money for tuck this term."

After three delays due to failed signals, the train finally pulled up at Michael Foot Community College, and Harry, Hermione and Ron saw Hagrid waiting for them. He smiled as they approached, but his smile was tinged with sadness.

"Gosh, Hagrid!", exclaimed Harry as he approached. "It's so good to see you, I'm looking forward to lots of adventures with you this term."

"Sorry 'Arry", rumbled Hagrid. "I won't be at the school no more. Mister Benn at the Ministry found out about me keeping Buckbeak, which violated the laws on hunting with animals. So I couldn't get me CRB check, so I've been fired."

"Gosh", said Harry. "Oh dear."

Leaving their bags in the dorms, Harry and Ron rushed downstairs and into the Assembly Hall, where Dumbledore was waiting for them.

"Hello to one and all", boomed Dumbledore. "This is a new start for us here at Hog...sorry...Michael Foot Community College.

"For the first time in the history of the school, your classmates will include Muggles, as Mr Balls at the Ministry has determined that selection on the premise of magical ability is discriminatory and unfair. As a result, your original classes in 'Potions' will be replaced by PHSE, 'Spells and Hexes' by Human Rights, and 'Defence Against the Dark Arts' by Citizenship."

A hubbub broke out among the pupils, and Harry stared in shock as where Professor Snape had always sat, there sat now a stern-looking OFSTED inspector, busily taking notes.

Dumbledore silenced the hubbub with a stern look, and continued, "Those of you undertaking your O.W.L's this year will now be taking 11 GCSE's in Muggle subjects instead, and I am assured that in order to achieve the requisite national statistics for education quality, you will all receive A* grades regardless. Not that it will make any difference, as Mrs Balls...sorry...Mrs Cooper at the Ministry tells us there are no jobs available anyway. Those leaving at the end of this term" - Dumbledore's piercing eyes settled on Harry and Ron - "will be pleased to know that you will be receiving double Social Citizenship training this term, in order that you can fill in the relevant forms and claim the benefits to which you are immediately entitled upon leaving school."

"Gosh", said Harry. "No money for me, no tax breaks for the Weasleys, no Hagrid because of silly laws, no O.W.L's and now no more magic."

Harry looked at the students around him - bright children of all ages, whose talents were to go to waste thanks to the rules, regulations and waste of the Ministry. All those children - and none of them had a magical future any more.

"Gosh", said Harry. "I wish my silly bitch of an author had voted Conservative."

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JuliaM said...

Simply the best!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm - pity a lot of this would be no different with the Conservatives.

Catosays said...

I bow before you, lost in wonder.


Anonymous said...

You must be writing for Radio $'s Vote Now with Steve Punt & Hugh Dennis. Either that or you're plagiarising their transcript.