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Friday, April 16, 2010

Government Orders Review of Ash Crisis

The Government has ordered an emergency review to respond to the closure of all UK airspace, following the eruption of a volcano in Iceland.

The eruption of Eyjafjallajoekull - the second eruption from the volcano in a month - has thrown a vast cloud of volcanic ash thousands of feet into the sky and continues to pump more ash and smoke. Prevailing winds has blown the ash southward over the UK and Europe, and has led to the grounding of all flights within the UK and northern Europe amid fears the glass and sand contained in the ash will damage aircraft engines.

Responding to the crisis, British Prime Minister Colostomy Brown has announced an urgent review of methods of handling the ash cloud currently hanging over the UK.

Minister for Volcanic Ash Removal, Lord Fondlebum of Fey, said, "this is a clear and immediate crisis for the UK. The grounding of flights directly impacts on our economy, and comes at a critical time when the recovery is in its infancy. It is right that we act, and act swiftly, to minimise the impact of this ash cloud on our nation."

The review, which is to be chaired by Lord Chilcot, will commence once he finishes his current whitewashing job.

Though the full terms of reference for the review have not yet been published, it is understood that the review will assess methods of dispersing the ash cloud, and study the viability of a proposal to use giant fans to blow the ash cloud over a country we don't like very much. However, environmental groups have rejected this proposal, pointing out that it's already mostly hanging over Scotland.

Mr Brown has also confirmed that the review will consider the financial and healthcare implications of the ash cloud, and that the Government will be implementing a 'windfall tax' on all fresh uncontaminated air in the next few weeks to cover the financial losses incurred in the closure of British airspace.

Further postings to the Ash Review will be announced in the coming weeks, and and its findings are expected sometime in late 2014.

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1 comment:

Frank P said...

Excellent - thanks!

I left my car out last night in West Norfolk to collect some 'glassy volcanic dust'. Nary a speck! This may however been due mainly to a very heavy blast of hot air rising from Manchester last night and a vast quantity of inflated bollocks that drifted up into the stratosphere as a result. When it all comes down, however, in about three weeks, we shall indeed suffer from another five years of suffocating socialist stupidity, regardless of which one of the inarticulate arse-holes prevails.