Face Transplant Man: "I'm Still Bloody Ugly"

"I said Brad Pitt, not John bloody Merrick"

The recipient of the world's first male face transplant has launched an unprecedented attack on the previous owner of his face.

James Maki, 59, who underwent the operation after suffering severe facial damage in a subway accident, launched into his tirade in an acrimonious Press conference this afternoon.

Maki, who had lost his nose, cheeks and top lip, claimed he looked like famous Muppet Show character 'Statler' and angrily said, "I'm gutted, quite frankly. I mean, I know beggars can't be choosers and all that, but come on, couldn't they have found somebody good looking?"

He added, "I'm disappointed in my surgeons. I pay my insurance, I should get what I want. I told them I wanted to look like Brad Pitt, not John bloody Merrick. How am I supposed to pull now?"

Mr Maki confirmed that he was seeking legal advice over redress for his face, but denied reports that he'd signed a lucrative deal with Max Clifford to be Jordan's next kiss'n'tell boyfriend.

Mr Maki is to play Statler, right, in a live-action Muppet Show in 2011.

Jim Henson's company 'Dreamworks' are reportedly interested in signing Mr Maki for a live-action version of the Muppets penciled for release in 2011.

Teen Pregnancy Video Shocker A Success

A graphic teen pregnancy video produced by an NHS trust and showing a young girl giving birth has been seen nearly 1.5 million times on the internet.

The hard-hitting video, shown above, was produced by Leicester City Teenage Pregnancy and Parenthood partnership, and shows a young girl, played by an actress, giving birth on a school playing field.

The film was launched on YouTube on 14 May, and has seen its popularity increase as word spread. It has been hailed as a success nationwide, and praised for its relevance and sensible advice.

Married mum-of-two Caitlin Roslington hailed the film as 'a godsend', saying, "I've had both my daughters watch it. My husband has seen it too. Round here the NHS trusts haven't got any midwives, so it's important when our third child is born that the whole family know what to do".

The film was also praised by schoolchildren, with 13-year-old Britney-Whitney Chavette saying, "it's like really cool, yeah, and really helpful, like coz when my daughter Jordanlily is born next munf, right, if it happens at school then like my mates know the best angles to film it from on their mobiles, innit".

A followup film from the trust, showing under-16 girls their best options for an elective Caesarean, is currently in post-production and will be released to coincide with the new Harry Potter movie.

Brown to Unveil 'Five-Year Plan' for Recovery

Gordon thought his new moustache looked dignified - not like The Village People at all.

Prime Mincer Gordon Brown is to unveil a new 'National Plan' as he tries to fight back from recent setbacks, The Diary has learned.

The new Five-Year Plan is Brown's blueprint to lead Britain out of recession and extend its public service reforms. It will cover economic change, industry, health, education and crime.

Sources in Downing Street said, "Gordon's been working really hard on this, putting in long nights in collaboration with the North Korea Economic Advisory Council, and he is happy to release his Vision To Save The World to one and all for their salvation".

The First Five-Year Plan will focus on stabilising Britain for the future, and is to include the following key points:

• The immediate removal of Sterling from all Exchange mechanisms;

• The immediate and complete nationalisation of all private enterprise, to reduce and eventually eliminate Government debt;

• The elimination of unemployment by retraining all those currently unemployed as Political Commissars, who will then be posted in all the newly-nationalised companies to offer advice on meeting NuLieBore targets;

• The elimination of MP's expense scandals by the removal (and imprisonment if necessary) of the free Press;

• Radical reform of the Electoral system granting suffrage rights only to NuLieBore MPs;

Under the terms of the Plan, Gordon Brown will be elevated to the position of 'Great Heavenly Leader, Coryphaeus of Economics, Father of the British Socialist Nation, Brilliant Genius of Humanity, Great Architect of New Labour Social Justice, Uphill Gardener of Human Happiness'.

When asked about the likely response of Parliamentarians and the British people to the Plan, the source replied that it was not an issue; the Plan would be implemented without debate or vote, as, 'Gordon doesn't like elections, just in case he loses them."

Opposition Leader David Cameron was not able to comment, as he was laughing too hard at the thought that the Prime Mincer might still be in power in five years' time.

Shopping Centre Hit by Fumes Scare

Firemen in protective suits clear up the residue of the toxic leak.

A shopping centre has been evacuated and more than 30 people treated by paramedics following a fumes incident.

Medics were called to The Bullring Shopping Centre in Birmingham after staff and shoppers complained of feeling dizzy and nauseous. A subsequent incident led to the shopping centre being completely evacuated.

Firemen in protective clothing and breathing apparatus carried out a full search of the area, and the cause of the incident was determined to be Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, who was giving a speech on Parliamentary reform in a nearby building.

Nobody was seriously hurt in the incident, though victim Brummi Yamyam said, "it was horrible. There was this interminable drone, and people around me were vomiting. The stench of desperate self-justification was revolting."

A spokesman for the Ambulance Service said that now Smith had stopped chuntering there was no further risk from her sickening waffle, but added, "anyone still suffering from symptoms they believe are caused by her hypocrisy should call NHS Direct for advice".

BREAKING: Michael Jackson Sues UK Furniture Retailer

Jackson recently, displaying his DFS cream-leather epidermis.

Prince of Pop and paedophilia poster-boy Michael Jackson is to take legal action against furniture company DFS, according to a statement released today by his lawyers.

Jackson, 50, has been diagnosed with cancerous skin lesions, which threaten to delay the start of his new contract at London's O2 Arena.

The former star's lawyer, Dwight Ambulancechaser, announced this morning that Jackson is to sue DFS for the cost of his medical treatment and any delays, as they supplied the cream leather Jackson used for his complete skin replacement in 2002.

Ambulancechaser said, "we hold DFS responsible for the skin problems Michael is suffering, and we believe that there were inadequate quality controls in the procurement of suitable albino calves for the leather, and potentially carcinogenic chemicals used in the blanching and softening processes. DFS are therefore liable, and we will use the full power of the law against them."

A spokesman for DFS said that they would not comment in detail on Jackson's action, but pointed out that Jackson was in arrears on the 5-years interest-free payments on his replacement epidermis.

An Unplanned Change of Menu

Revenge - is a puppy served pan-fried.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please meet Beetle the puppy.

Beetle is a 6-month-old Labrador/Hoover cross, and right this minute he's sitting across the living room from me, looking rather full of himself.

Actually, he's rather full of a sirloin steak. Specifically, MY sirloin steak - the one I was going to have for dinner tonight.

Guess it's a Korean meal for me tonight. I'm taking Beetle for a wok.

New Speaker Election Process Announced

The Judging Panel in rehearsals, interviewing Vince Cable.

BBC Television have announced that the election for a new Speaker of the House of Commons is to be fully televised.

Announcing the move, BBC Director-General Mark Thompson said that the plan would bring 'a new transparency' to the electoral process, and would help engage younger voters in politics.

The new programme, tentatively titled 'Britain's Got Order, Order' will be presented by Richard Hammond and that lanky twat who fronts 'Beat the Star', with a judging panel comprised of Simon Cowell, former Speaker Michael Martin and BBC Political Editor Nick 'Toenails' Robinson.

As well as the normal skills required of a Speaker - proceeding in a reasonably straight line at 2pm, mumbling 'Order' as required and troughing vast quantities of expenses, the new Speaker will have to demonstrate additional qualities, such as the ability to sing Prayers before the House sits, or to express vote results through the medium of contemporary dance.

Mr Thompson said, "this is a great day for politics, as the programme will make the Parliamentary system more accessible to the youth demographic. We feel that MP's auditioning for the role of Speaker, to be decided by a telephone vote, is the perfect way to bring Parliament into the 21st Century".

However, Mr Thompson denied that there was to be a BBC2 show titled 'BGOO: You're In The Lords', where failed auditionees would be interviewed by Adrian Chiles, saying, "that's just silly".

Swayze Condemns 'Reckless' Rumours

Swayze - "I'm definitely dead".

Patrick Swayze has condemned 'reckless' internet rumours that he is alive, in a Press conference today.

His angry rebuttal follows rumours on the Twitter messaging service yesterday, which appear to have been started by an American radio station, that he was in fact still breathing.

Speaking through spiritualist medium Whoopi Goldberg, Swayze, the star of Dirty Dancing, Roadhouse and...and...er...the star said, "rumours of my life have been greatly exaggerated. Trust, me, I'm deader than Dick Cheney".

Swayze spoke cheerfully about how much he is enjoying his death, saying, "it's been pretty good up till now, it's been great being out of the limelight. I'm using my eternal rest to the full, though - my spectral pottery skills are coming along nicely, and I'm pretty hopeful that I'll get to cop another phantasmal feel of Demi Moore's norks. I'll give her a shot of ectoplasm she won't forget in a hurry!"

He added, "in fact, this being-dead lark would be perfect if people would just stop playing that bloody Bill Medley track".

Ferrari Announce Breakaway Race Series

Ferrari have today announced their intention to set up a breakaway race series to compete with Formula 1, in protest at the proposed budget changes for the 2010 series.

Announcing the new 'Formula Enzo' race series, Ferrari chief Luca Di Montezemolo told journalists that the new championship would ensure Ferrari remained at the forefront of motorsport. He said, "it is the role of Ferrari to make fast cars, to race fast cars and to win. Formula Enzo will ensure that we continue to do this, without interference from that meddling midget Ecclestone'.

The circuits hosting Formula Enzo races have yet to be confirmed, however the championship rules have already been finalised. Any racing team is permitted to enter Formula Ferrari as long as they meet the following criteria:

• They are Ferrari;
• They are driving the latest Ferrari F1 car;
• They are Felipe Massa;
• They are Kimi Raikkonen.

Di Montezemolo was keen to point out that the two-car grid would ensure close qualifying and closer racing, but emphasised that what was important was that the series was fair, open, and ensured Ferrari won.

He added, "We are in motorsport to win. And if others are building better cars than us, then we won't play with them any more - we'll just start our own series and win that instead".

Ordure, Ordure. . .

With apologies to W H Auden. . .

There goes Mick Martin, back o'er the border,
No longer will he say "Order, Order",
Expenses for the rich, all claiming for more,
And letting the Plod break down Damian's door,
A failure as Speaker, and now it's his time,
All confidence lost due to all of his crimes.
His partisan ways a disgrace to the Chamber,
He gave Opposition MPs the cold shoulder,
Though yesterday he tried to plead to the masses,
He'd always just tried to make war between classes
Though MPs all cheer as his time approaches,
They should know it won't save the other cockroaches.
The Speaker refused to turn his course,
He waffled on while faith was lost,
So though his passing is no great shakes,
Knowing he's next the Prime Minister quakes.

UPDATE

Cato also has an excellent Auden parody on the same subject.

Government Announces New Scrappage Scheme

From the absurdly talented A Tangled Rope:

There are rumours that several countries have expressed an interest in importing some British ex-MPs to help train their own parliamentarians in how to become more corrupt.

A Song for the Speaker - Hey Mickey!

Oh Mickey
It's your time,
It's your time,
To say goodbye,
Hey Mickey!
Hey, hey, Hey Mickey!

Oh Mickey
It's your time,
It's your time,
To say goodbye,
Hey Mickey!
Hey, hey, Hey Mickey!

You've been Speaker for nine years
And that's nine years too long
Had your nose stuck in the trough,
And been partisan and wrong,
But can't you do what's right,
And quit the Speaker's throne, Mickey?

'Cause when you said that you'd reform,
You really meant you won't
Now Carswell's little bill's
Gonna get you by the throat,
And you'll be forced to leave your grace-and-favour home, Mickey!



CHORUS
Oh Mickey, what a pity
You don't understand
That Parliament's corrupt
And you haven't made a stand,
Oh Mickey, you've been shitty,
Can't you understand,
It's time to go, Mickey,
Oh won't you go Mickey, go Mickey
Just quit the job, Mickey!

Hey Mickey!
Now you took the Speaker's job,
You should've said 'no',
Everytime you speak you let,
Your uselesness show,
The public's lost its faith,
It's time for you to go, Mickey!

C'mon and quit your job, at the soonest point you can
Anyway you wanna do it,
Just do it like a man
But please Mick, just get out while you can, Mickey!

CHORUS
Oh Mickey, what a pity
You don't understand
That Parliament's corrupt
And you haven't made a stand,
Oh Mickey, you've been shitty,
Can't you understand,
It's time to go, Mickey,
Oh won't you go Mickey, go Mickey
Just quit the job, Mickey!

Oh Mickey
It's your time,
It's your time,
To say goodbye,
Hey Mickey!
Hey, hey, Hey Mickey!

Oh Mickey
It's your time,
It's your time,
To say goodbye,
Hey Mickey!
Hey, hey, Hey Mickey!

High Court Outlaws Killing on the Battlefield

The British Army's non-lethal replacement for the SA80 rifle.

Following a landmark ruling today, in which the High Court ruled that Article Two of the Human Rights Act applies to soldiers on the battlefield, the Ministry of Defence has ordered a radical rethink of equipment and weaponry to be issued to British forces serving in Afghanistan.

By ruling that serving soldiers on the battlefield are subject to the Act, and specifically that they retain the Right to Life, the British legal profession has made it illegal for anyone to be killed in battle any more.

A spokesman for the MoD said, "obviously this new ruling means that we must completely redesign the armaments issued to British forces serving in combat zones, to ensure that no combatants are killed in future wars. As a result, all units currently serving in Hellmand Province are to have their current-issue SA80 Mk II rifle withdrawn from service, and this is to be replaced with a paintball gun with immediate effect."

He added, "clearly the issue bayonet is also a no-no - you could have someone's eye out with that. Therefore, we will be starting a new procurement process to find a non-lethal alternative to the bayonet for hand-to-hand combat. At present, we are investigating the possible benefits of a feather duster 'tickling stick', which is undergoing trials with the 2nd Battalion, the Parachute Regiment pending a wider rollout."

Tests of a new bayonet replacement remain inconclusive.

Reports that the Royal Air Force are to replace their air-to-ground missiles with 'Nerf Darts' remain unconfirmed.

A spokesman for the Taliban fighters in Hellmand Province said they would review the Court ruling, and would seek legal advice on whether the Human Rights Act applied to infidels.

EXCLUSIVE: Jordan - The Truth Behind My Split With Peter

Katie Price: Steamy Commons Romps.

In an exclusive interview with The Diary of a Geek, during which she surprisingly failed to get her norks out, glamour model and media whore Katie Price has exclusively revealed the reason for her tragic and highly-paid split with extravagantly-abdominaled failed popster Peter Andre.

Katie, 34GG, has exclusively revealed the kiss-and-tell details of her torrid affair with a senior House of Commons official, and how its discovery has led to her massive tabloid payday acrimonious separation from Andre.

Speaking from behind a pink vest top, Katie admitted that between January 2008 and March 2009, she was involved in a steamy affair with Speaker Michael Martin, including nude romps in the Speaker's Chair during last year's summer recess.

"It was truly passionate", claimed Katie, her bosom heaving with emotion. "We connected on an emotional, spritual and intellectual level, and anyway Max told me I had a better chance of getting a payout with Mick than if I tried it on with Gordon. Mick told me nobody would ever find out, because he'd hide the hotel bills in his expenses as taxi fares for his wife".

Katie plans to reveal all the details of her thirteen-month affair with the Speaker in a new book, titled 'Katie: How I Gobbled Mick', in which she will reveal:

- How she and Mr Martin romped in the Speaker's Chamber, and how she fondled his Black Rod;

- Their 4-times-a-night games, with the Speaker wearing his official robes and a Celtic football shirt;

- Mr Martin's prediliction for screaming 'Order!' at the point of climax.

Peter Andre is reported to be 'inarticulate with rage' at the kiss-and-tell revelations, however there is some confusion over this as he's hardly articulate normally.

Speaker Martin is to make a Commons statement today on how long he's been stuffing it up Jordan.

Who still votes Labour - and why?

The expenses scandal and other issues over recent weeks have been catastrophic for the Labour Party, with the opinion polls showing Labour at their lowest approval rating since records began.

But what do the polls actually mean - with the next General Election a year away at most, who actually votes Labour and why?

By a process of elimination, we were able to work out the number of voters. We removed sitting Labour MPs, Labour councillors, Trades Union leaders, Polly Toynbee, Nick 'Toenails' Robinson and Andrew Marr, and by removing these numbers from the projected Labour share of the vote at the next General Election, we come up with the number of ordinary members of the electorate who we can confidently expect to vote Labour at the next election: 1.

We decided to track down Britain's last remaining Labour voter, and ask him why he's still determined to vote.

96-year-old former coalminer Bert Eckythump says that he's proud to be the last remaining card-carrying member of the Labour Party, and that he'll be a Labour voter till the day he dies.

Speaking to us from his retirement home, Mr Eckythump praised the Labour Party for their 'hard work for the common people', saying, "I think that Labour's done an amazing job. Thanks to them I don't have a Ration Book any more, and Mr Bevan's work as Health Secretary means I'll soon have the NHS to look after me in my old age".

He added, "I'll be voting Labour again in the next Election, as I think it's right and proper. I'll be hoping that nice Mister Attlee gets a second term".

Gordon Brown in Further Financial Scandal

Brown hides the evidence. . .

Gordon Brown was fighting for his political life today, after becoming embroiled in another financial scandal.

With support already plummeting nationwide following the recent expenses revelations, the Mr Brown was today at the centre of another scandal involving unearned payments. The Public Accounts Committee has launched an investigation into Mr Brown's office, following allegations that he has claimed money to which he is not entitled.

Edward Leigh MP, Chairman of the Public Accounts Committee, announced the investigation at a Press conference this morning, saying, "we are investigating Gordon Brown's affairs following the discovery that he is claiming £187,611 per annum for the office of Prime Minister.

"If this is found to be true, it would be the most egregious misappropriation of public funds so far discovered, given that he has neither the intellect, gravitas, talent, bearing, sartorial ability or sanity to hold such a position".

Mr Leigh added, "I mean, the man can't even get his tie straight in his collar, how could anyone believe he's the Prime Minister? It's ridiculous, and a terrible error if he's been receiving these payments".

Reports that Scotland Yard are also to investigate Mr Brown with regard to a charge of 'Impersonating a Competent Politician', and the lesser charge of 'Impersonating a Human Being' remain unconfirmed.

Mr Brown was unavailable to respond to the allegation that he had been receiving moneys under false pretences - at least, your correspondent was unable to reach him on his mobile.

Claim It!

The Standards Office gave you nothing to fear,
Don't bother with receipts, just claim for all your gear,
If you're busted for your lies, say the rules aren't really clear,
So claim it, just claim it,

Submitting claims for every penny you can,
Like flipping second homes to dodge the Customs man,
Your nose in the trough, and our cash in your hand,
So claim it, but we know we've been had,

Just claim it (claim it), claim it (claim it),
Whatever you can name, just claim it!
Rake all the cash in with all of your might,
Whether your Party's the Left or the Right,
Just claim it (claim it),
Just claim it (claim it),

We're out to get you, better quit while you can
You should've paid your dues like every other man,
We'll vote you all out, coz we're sick of your scams,
So claim it, just claim it,

It's time to realise you ought to be scared,
You're ripping off the public purse for all you dare,
You're stealing our cash,
And you think that it's fair
So claim it, claim it while you still can,

Just claim it (claim it), claim it (claim it),
Whatever you can name, just claim it!
Rake all the cash in with all of your might,
Whether your Party's the Left or the Right,

Just claim it (claim it), claim it (claim it),
Whatever you can name, just claim it!
Rake all the cash in with all of your might,
Whether your Party's the Left or the Right,

Just claim it (claim it), claim it (claim it),

(repeat until deselected or prosecuted by HMRC)....

Sharp Upturn in DIY Sector Lifts Retail Hopes

The 'Question Time' panel receive a hostile reception from the audience.

The markets have been encouraged today following a sharp upturn in retail hardware sales reported by B&Q and Homebase.

A spokesman for the retail consortium BodgitFixit Group reported that since last Monday, when the Daily Telegraph began releasing its figures on MPs expenses, sales had risen by a staggering 86.3%.

The spokesman said, "we have seen an unprecedented increase in sales across a wide range of products. The primary increases were in garden pitchforks, firelighters, pre-cut timber and high-strength wire. We're not sure about the precise reason for the increase in these products alone, but our marketers are working on promotions to increase sales further".

Sales of the above goods were said to be highest in Dewsbury, Redditch, Normanton and Bracknell, though sales had increased across stores in 642 other areas as well.

In a separate but related development, hardware retailer Nailemup Direct has launched a new 'DIY Romanian Dictator Kit', which includes many of the products already seeing sales growth along with a flat-pack gallows and a copy of Hansard. The pack is initially to be trialled in the Kirkcaldy and Glasgow North East areas before a national roll-out.

Sicknote

The more observant among you may have noticed that there's been a significant break in the outpourings of rage and sarcasm from Vitriol Towers over the last fortnight. My apologies. Unfortunately I've been suffering from a nasty bout of Gastroenteritis, which kept me away from the computer and firmly attached to other things.

One odd side-effect of being rather unwell was that I seemed to lose the will, inspiration and ability to write. My personal belief is that the bile which normally makes it way out via the keyboard was leaving me in other ways!

Still, I'm about 60% recovered now, and will be returning to work tomorrow. Rumours that the office are supplying me with a commode instead of an office chair are (I hope) completely unfounded.

Normal service will, I hope, return over the next few days. Especially on MP's expenses.

Thanks for all the emails and Twitter DMs offering good wishes.