Brown to Unveil 'Five-Year Plan' for Recovery

Gordon thought his new moustache looked dignified - not like The Village People at all.

Prime Mincer Gordon Brown is to unveil a new 'National Plan' as he tries to fight back from recent setbacks, The Diary has learned.

The new Five-Year Plan is Brown's blueprint to lead Britain out of recession and extend its public service reforms. It will cover economic change, industry, health, education and crime.

Sources in Downing Street said, "Gordon's been working really hard on this, putting in long nights in collaboration with the North Korea Economic Advisory Council, and he is happy to release his Vision To Save The World to one and all for their salvation".

The First Five-Year Plan will focus on stabilising Britain for the future, and is to include the following key points:

• The immediate removal of Sterling from all Exchange mechanisms;

• The immediate and complete nationalisation of all private enterprise, to reduce and eventually eliminate Government debt;

• The elimination of unemployment by retraining all those currently unemployed as Political Commissars, who will then be posted in all the newly-nationalised companies to offer advice on meeting NuLieBore targets;

• The elimination of MP's expense scandals by the removal (and imprisonment if necessary) of the free Press;

• Radical reform of the Electoral system granting suffrage rights only to NuLieBore MPs;

Under the terms of the Plan, Gordon Brown will be elevated to the position of 'Great Heavenly Leader, Coryphaeus of Economics, Father of the British Socialist Nation, Brilliant Genius of Humanity, Great Architect of New Labour Social Justice, Uphill Gardener of Human Happiness'.

When asked about the likely response of Parliamentarians and the British people to the Plan, the source replied that it was not an issue; the Plan would be implemented without debate or vote, as, 'Gordon doesn't like elections, just in case he loses them."

Opposition Leader David Cameron was not able to comment, as he was laughing too hard at the thought that the Prime Mincer might still be in power in five years' time.