Griffin, The 'C' Word and the BNP

Griffin. Half-blind physically, totally blind mentally.

The 'C' word - the worst word in the world and all that - is not one that I use frequently. It has its place, but its use here on the Blog is rare to say the least. My mother reads this Blog. Sometimes even my grandmother. But there are times, now and again, when no other word will do.

This is one of those times.

Nick Griffin is an unmitigated, stupid, vacuous, moronic, racist cunt.

Griffin 'leads' a political party (I use this term in its loosest possible sense) comprised of the lowest form of scum. Cretinous, deluded, knuckle-dragging, racist cunts one and all.

According to Griffin and his monobrowed army of homunculi, Black and Asian Britons 'don't exist'. Oh, really? Oh Fucking Really, you utter hoon?

So by your twisted 'logic', my mother doesn't exist. Neither does my grandmother and, by extension, neither do I. My adopted sister also doesn't exist. We are 'racial foreigners', apparently. So, therefore, we must be of lesser value than the good Mister Griffin and his ilk.

I don't think so.

The only sub-humans - the truest of 'untermensches' in this country are Nick Griffin and the protozoa infesting the British National Party.

They show no understanding of the contribution made by black and asian people to this country throughout its history. What's more, they show a risible lack of comprehension of the history of Man.

Griffin - I will not grace you with the honorific 'Mister', which applies to members of the human race - YOU, and your cabal of cunts are the ones who are not British. You have no concept of what the word means, no sense of responsibility to this country. Your deluded, vile, racist leaflets harken back to the awful days of the Reich's 'Nuremberg Laws'.

You and your ilk are the ones who don't deserve the right to exist in this country. One day, I fervently wish you get your own Nuremberg moment. I'll even pull the lever myself.

You, Nick Griffin, are a cunt.

Shocking Images Show Inside of PM's Brain

X-Ray images showing the inside of the Prime Minister's skull. Note the lack of a brain.

Secret X-Ray footage taken in the House of Commons has revealed the reason behind Prime Minister Gordon Brown's erratic behaviour.

Experts believe the shocking injuries to be caused by a combination of factors, including aides trying to knock some sense into the PM and ricochets from thrown objects.

Psycho-Electric specialist Dave Voltresistor said that many of the Prime Minister's recent decisions could be explained by the embedded objects, explaining, "the likely explanation is that the metal is is causing short-circuits between the synapses, leading to erratic moods, occasional incontinence poor judgement and megalomaniacal episodes.

Mr Voltresistor added, "or it could be just that he's a complete fucking loon".

Shocking video shows the dramatic impact of brain injuries on the PM.

Jade Goody: The Musical?

So apparently they're going to make a musical of Jade Goody's life.

**Shudder**

They could call it 'Babe IV: Pig on the Telly'.

But I suppose it's a bit more money for Max Clifford the Goodys. No doubt they'll televise the auditions process. I'm sure Andrew Lloyd-Webber and John Barrowman would be delighted to help. They could call it 'Britain's Got Absolutely Fuck-All Talent'.

And, to help them along, I've made a start on some of the songs that a 'Jade' musical could use or recycle. Happy to help and all that.

From West Side Story: 'I Slagged Shetty';

How about a spot of The Jam, with 'And Now She's Underground';

By The Hollies: 'It Ain't Telly, It's Big Brother';

How about recycling from 'Oklahoma'? 'Oh, What A Beautiful Mourning';

Anyone have any other suggestions for songs? Stick 'em in the comments, I may even do lyrical parodies of the best suggestions.

The Budget Song

With my apologies to Mr Eric Idle and the Monty Python crew.

So I was watching Sky News this morning, and on-screen there was a 'debt-counter', ticking at a phenomenal rate as it counted spiralling Goonvernment debt and borrowing numbers.

For those who weren't able to mentally calculate the speed at which our debt is rising, Eamonn Holmes helpfully pointed out that it's rising at £300,000 per MINUTE. Which got me thinking....

*"Whenever life gets you down, Mr Brown, and things seem hard or tough,

When your advisers are stupid, obnoxious or daft,

And you fell that you've had quite enoooooouuuuggggghhhh....

Just imagine that you're watching this Government imploding,
And wasting eighteen million pounds an hour,
Debt rising at five thousand pounds a second, so it's reckoned,
As Gordon tries and fails to stay in power,
The debt for you and me, and everyone that you can see
Goes up at seven hundred pounds a day,
And it makes you really think, at eighteen million pounds an hour
Just how much cash New Labour's thrown away!

And just to bail the banks out cost two hundred billion pounds,
Our money thrown and wasted far and wide,
And Brown and Darling both must be spectacularly thick,
If they believe the voters can't see how they've lied,
Six billion pounds of tax on all high earners ain't the point,
When you borrow half a trillion in three years,
If we don't stop all the spending of billions and billions,
Then our fiscal situation just gets worse!

The National Debt itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
To levels that scare most economists,
As high as it can go - two trillion pounds you know,
Three hundred grand a minute, New Labour really took the piss,
So remember when your savings look unsafe and insecure,
That Labour taxed us all for all we're worth,
And pray they'll be some sense on the next Tory Budget Day,
There's been bugger all from this bunch of berks!

*(Thanks to Cleethorpes Rock for the suggested intro)

Budget 2009: Sheer Genius

Not a Budget for the 2010 Election, but for 2015.

So that's the 2009 Budget over with - as one person on Twitter described it, 'the shortest suicide note in history'. Sin taxes up, increased taxes on those who've worked hard enough to earn a good salary. Debt and borrowing levels that are so staggering, they simply beggar belief.

And yet - in my opinion, what this was was a very clever Budget indeed in political terms. Sheer genius, in fact.

Look at it from the perspective of the corrupt, mendacious bastards populating the Parliamentary Labour Party. They know - with total certainty - that come the next General Election, they are going to take the electoral kicking they so richly deserve. But they're not thinking about the next one - they're thinking about 2015, or perhaps even 2020.

This Budget did precisely NOTHING to cut the spiralling, uncontrolled borrowing and debt. In fact, by Eyebrow's own admission, national debt will rise to an astonishing 79% of GDP within the next three years. So they will lose in 2010, and the Conservative Party will have to make the hard choices.

The Conservative Party will have to increase income tax. They will have to make swingeing cuts to the public sector. They simply have no choice, if they wish to bring borrowing and debt to sustainable, reasonable levels. These next few years are really, REALLY going to hurt.

And as every hard decision is taken, as every Conservative Budget announces the next wave of cost-cutting measures, the Liebore Opposition will be there screaming, "Look at the Tories! Look at the 'Nasty Party'! The Tories are the party of cuts, of high taxation, look what they're doing!"

And - come 2015, the revamped, revitalised, re-imaged New New Labour Party will campaign on a platform of tax cuts, public-sector investment and 'prudent investment for growth'.

The really scary thing though - the bit that really terrifies me - is that they're likely to win. Despite the 1975-1979 economic damage AND the 1997-2009 fiscal destruction - they could win again.

Thinking like Liebore, and looking long-term - this Budget is sheer genius. God help us all.

Budget 2009: Darling Leaves Downing St....

Leaving on his tax-gathering mission, Chancellor Alistair Darling eschews the traditional red box....

Taxandspendy

With apologies to Lewis Carroll.

Twas Budget, and the slimy toad,
Did send poor Darling out again,
From whimsy were the numbers grow'd,
That came from Number Ten.

"And use the Taxandspend, old son,
The debts that bite, the laws that catch,
Entreat the hidden tax, don't shun,
The slightest attempt to snatch!"

He took his big red box in hand,
Longtime to Parliament he talked,
And waffled he, for in honesty,
He'd given it no thought.

And as for more he did beseech,
The Taxandspend did once again,
Come whiffling through the Budget speech,
And charged us as it came!

One Two! One Two! For me and you,
Our once-full pockets he ransacked,
And left us spent, to pay their debts,
He crippled us with tax.

"And hast thou used the Taxandspend?
Come to my arms, my eyebrow'd boy!
O Frabjous Day! Calooh! Calay!"
Gord chortled in his joy.

Twas Budget, and the slimy toad,
Did send poor Darling out again,
From whimsy were the numbers grow'd,
That came from Number Ten.

Stand And Deliver!

It's Budget Day again, and we know what the 'Dick Turpin of Downing Street' desires.


Gord's the scruffy highwayman with Stalinist intention,

And his and Darling's Budgets are the main bone of contention!
To speak of Brown and Darling would use words I dare not mention,
They taxed and spent and robbed us all, and even raided pensions!

CHORUS
Stand and Deliver, as Budget taxes rise!
All that's delivered, is waste and spin and lies!

Gord's the scruffy highwayman, so void of charm and passion,
And thanks to all his errors the economy is crashing,
So beer and fags'll go up in today's speech Darling's making,
But Britain's had enough, they've taken everything worth taking!

CHORUS
Stand and Deliver, as Budget taxes rise!
All that's delivered, is waste and spin and lies!

We know coz we've seen the polls
New Labour's had its time, it's time...

You're the sleazy Highwaymen, we're tired of excuses,
You make your big pronouncements but the little person loses,
We're tired of you, Highwaymen, and we want an election!
So we can get you out and then start to rebuild the nation!

CHORUS
Stand and Deliver, as Budget taxes rise!
All that's delivered, is waste and spin and lies!

We know coz we've seen the polls
New Labour's had its time, it's time...

They've fiddled the numbers, they've fiddled the numbers,
They've fiddled the numbers, they've fiddled the numbers,

Stand and Deliver, as Budget taxes rise!
Stand and Deliver, as Budget taxes rise!
(Etc, etc, etc....)

Exclusive! Darling Rehearsing Budget Speech

At great personal risk, Dungeekin has obtained secret video footage of Alistair Darling rehearsing his Budget speech with his Treasury advisers.

Hawking 'Comfortable' in Hospital

Professor Stephen Hawking demonstrating his new multigym.

Legendary cosmologist and author Professor Stephen Hawking is reported to be 'comfortable' after being rushed to hospital from his home in Cambridge.

Professor Hawking, who is Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University and the author of A Brief History of Time', is to remain in hospital for treatment for his illness, believed to be a viral infection.

Specialists at Addenbrooke's Hospital, where the professor is being treated, said that Hawking had been suffering from two separate infections upon admission - a 'nasty case of Conficker', and a relapse of an earlier W32.Mytob illness.

Surgeons have now rebooted Professor Hawking, and he is currently running in Safe Mode awaiting a full disinfection. He is, however, expected to make a full recovery without the need for his original install disks.

F1: Red Bull Racing in Banned Substance Probe

Red Bull F1 car on a flying lap.

Following their stunning 1-2 victory in the Chinese Grand Prix last weekend, the Red Bull F1 team are to be investigated by the FIA over allegations that they used a performance-enhancing substance.

Red Bull's Sebastian Vettel won the rain-soaked race, with Mark Webber second. However, the result has been contested (again) by Ferrari. The investigation centres around the accusation that the team were using an unauthorised additive which provided additional downforce during the Grand Prix.

Team Principal of Red Bull racing, Christian Horner, dismissed Ferrari's complaint, pointing out that they will complain about almost anything all the time they're not winning. However, he did acknowledge that Red Bull were using a fuel additive, though he claimed it was within the regulations to do so.

Mr Horner said, "we have found that using a small percentage of Red Bull in the fuel tank at pit stops causes the carbon-fibre rear spoiler and diffuser to expand at speed. This effect gives the car approximately 5% more downforce, and on a full-speed flying lap this can equate to as much as half a second off the lap time.

"We have discovered, therefore, that Red Bull does give you wing".

Rare Spitfire Sells for £1.7m

The RAF's latest (and only) Air-Defence Fighter.

A rare restored Supermarine Spitfire has been sold at auction for £1.7m - the highest amount ever for one of the famous aircraft.

Discovered in a scrapyard in the 1970's, the legendary plane has been completely restored to airworthiness and is cleared for flight.

The auctioneers refused to comment on the identity of the buyer, but our sources have indicated that the Spitfire has been purchased by the Royal Air Force, so that they actually have ONE working plane with which to defend UK airspace.

MP's Vote for Extended Summer Recess

If they're on holiday, at least they're not making laws.

MPs have awarded themselves an extra-long break as from this summer, citing the highly stressful nature of their work as the reason.

Announcing the change, Speaker Michael Martin emphasised how difficult an MPs job was. He said, "MPs sometimes have to work from 3pm to 10pm, four days a week, and this is highly damaging to their work-life balance. The revised Recess period from this summer will ensure that Parliamentarians are returning to this chamber refreshed, revitalised and ready to take on the onerous task of calculating their annual expenses claim".

Mr Martin added that the new recess was designed to fit around the reduction of Bills by this Government for the current Parliament. Originally, 18 were announced in the Queen's Speech, but this number was cut to 12 to allow the Government to focus on further bankrupting the country, then down to zero as of this week following the realisation that they've fucked up the country to the point that nobody wants them to touch anything any more.

From July 22 of this year, MPs will take a 50-week summer recess, returning to work on July 8 2010.

The news was welcomed by the general public in a straw poll by The Diary of A Geek, with the general feeling that the less time the incompetent, corrupt, troughing bastards spent devising new ways to screw with our lives the better.

BBC's Robinson in Medical Miracle Marvel

Medical experts from across the globe are converging on London this week to study a medical miracle which has affected BBC Political Correspondent Nick 'Toenails' Robinson.

Doctors are meeting to study Mr Robinson and to identify the causes behind what seems to be the first ever recorded case of spontaneous tissue regeneration in medical history.

Physicians were astounded to note that in a 'talking-head' slot on the BBC Today programme this morning, Mr Robinson appeared to have grown a pair of testicles, enabling him to cast aspersions on the comments made on the Programme by Ed Balls MP.

Speaking at a hastily-convened Press conference, Dr Nick Brownfinger, Chief Proctologist at Guys' Hospital, said, "we are amassing as many experts as possible to examime Mr Robinson, as this truly appears to be a medical miracle. We were shocked to note that a man who is normally firmly embedded within the cloacal vent of whichever Labour MP is speaking should appear to have spontaneously grown a pair".

Mr Brownfinger added, "we will take nothing to chance, however. As part of our tests we will be monitoring Mr Robinson's future output to see if, against all medical knowledge and all the odds, he has also started to grow a backbone".

Paxman Donates Brain To Parkinson's Charity

Paxman on 'Newsnight' following his donation.

Celebrities including Jeremy Paxman and Jane Asher have pledged to donate their brains to help find a cure for Parkinson's Disease. About 1,000 people have already joined a donor register run by the Parkinson's Disease Society but the charity hopes to double this number by the end of the year.

A spokesman for the Parkinson's Society said, "we were delighted that Jeremy came forward to offer his brain. The surgery went extremely well, and his brain is now being studied by our experts. I'm sure his 'Newsnight' interviewees won't notice a difference".

Paxman, who has now been discharged from hospital, commented briefly on his donation, saying, "bbbbbrrrrrrraaaaAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNSSSsssssss", before conducting an acerbic interview with Vince Cable.

The society is hoping that more celebrities will come forward, and that the increased publicity garnered will help increase awareness of the disease and help find a cure.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has also pledged his brain to the campaign, however the Society turned down his offer claiming that they only wanted healthy brains. His offer was not in vain, though, as his brain has been accepted by Battersea Dogs' Home, who are suffering a shortage of dog food.

National Rail Enquiries = Stupid.

"National Rail Enquiries, how can I NOT help you at all?"

I should explain.

On Saturday night, a friend and co-worker of The Darling G, currently over from the US, stayed with us overnight.

On Sunday morning, we were to drop our colonial cousin at Oxford railway station, whereby she would be using the rail network to travel to Stratford-Upon-Avon. We were warned on the Saturday that the connection at Banbury would be very tight (about 5 minutes), and that we could phone National Rail Enquiries on the Sunday morning to confirm from which platform at Banbury the Stratford train would depart. As Aleksandr would say - simples!

Or so we thought.

Below is a transcript of The Darling G's side of the conversation with National Rail Enquiries.

• Hi, I'm travelling from Oxford to Stratford-Upon-Avon today. I understand I'll only have 5 minutes to connect at Banbury for the Stratford train, I was wondering if you would tell me what platform it's going from please?

• Oxford, to Stratford-Upon-Avon.

• Oxford.

• No, Oxford. O-X-F-O-R-D.

• Yes, to Stratford-upon-Avon.

• Stratford-upon-Avon.

• Yes, it does exist. Stratford-upon-Avon.

• Yes it does. It's a pretty famous town HERE IN ENGLAND.

• S-T-R-A-T-F-O-R-D. New word. U-P-O-N. New word. A-V-O-N.

• Yes, it does exist.

• Look, there's a train going from Banbury to Stratford-upon-Avon, and I just want to know which platform it will leave from.

• No, I already have a ticket, I just want to know the platform.

• No, I already have a ticket. I want to know the PLATFORM.

• Platform. Where the trains leave the station?

• No, the platform. You know - the train stops, people get on and off. THE PLATFORM.

• Could I speak to a supervisor?

• OK, can you give me the number for Banbury station please?

• Banbury. B-A-N-B-U-R-Y.

• Yes, it does exist. Can I please, just have the number?

• 0845...ok, thank you.

• No, I already have a ticket. You have a lovely day now. Byeeeee.

And the number we were given? Chiltern Railways Customer Services. Which was closed.

I have since heard that there's more to tell on this story, especially our friend's travails in travelling. More to follow.

Charities Call for Better Mental Health Provision

An artist's impression of a typical Labour voter.

Mental health charities have called for a radical shake-up of community support provision, after a report released over the weekend showed that mental health issues in the UK are considerably more widespread than originally believed.

The calls come following the release of the latest ICM opinion poll, which showed that despite Smeargate, a monocular megalomaniac 'leader' who has delusions of being 'The Saviour of the World', a failing education system, a Home secretary who's a complete c**t and a collapsing economy, some 26% of eligible voters would still vote Liebore at the next General Election.

Eric Windowlicker, of the charity Nutcase Support, said, "we are amazed by this research, which shows that the problems of insanity, cretinosity, intellectual retardation and outright lunacy is still utterly rampant in 21st-Century Britain. More needs to be done to combat this awful scourge on our society".

Mr Windowlicker called for greater levels of support to those deluded enough to support Liebore in the community, including the provision of electro-convulsive therapy to anyone with a Labour Party membership card. He added, "a good few thousand volts to the head and testicles may not change their voting patterns - but it'll make those of us who are sane feel pretty damn good".

Hit the Road, Jacq!

Today seems like it's all about the (Second) Home Secretary. When even The Grauniad says you're under threat, maybe it's time to. . .

CHORUS
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more,
We all say,
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more,

Woah Woman, oh woman, you're evil and mean,
You ordered the arrest of poor Damian Green,
Your authority's taken a blow,
It's time for you to quit and go.

That's right!

CHORUS
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more,
We all say,
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more,

Well you really can't be treating the voters this-a way
With the laws you've made to take our freedoms away.
(It's time to quit cause it's understood)
(that you've pocketed our money and you ain't no good.)
Well, we're waiting for Gordon's say-so
And for you to quit the job and go.

That's right!

CHORUS
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more,
We all say,
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more,

Well!!
Don't be the Home Sec no more,
Aah! We all say
Don't be the Home Sec no more,
Take your DNA database with you!
Don't be the Home Sec no more,
You know the Electorate mean that!
Don't be the Home Sec no more,
You can even keep the bathplug!
Don't be the Home Sec no more,
What you tryin' to do to this country?
Don't be the Home Sec no more,
Oh, don't treat MPs like that,
Don't be the Home Sec no more.

One Word, Too Little, Too Late

With apologies to Mr Mathis, another song for Gordon in respect of his magnanimous apology for 'Smeargate'.

Hope it's over, said 'sorry' today,
Sorry that it had to be this way,
I'd tried hard to pretend,
But knew it had to end some day, this way,

Hope it's over, McBride is gone,
Draper and Whelan tryin' to hang on,
Those emails were the key,
Proved I had no integrity, and it's clear to see,

One word's too little, too late, my lies have been seen through,
One word's too little, too late, the whole world knows I knew,
A letter in felt tip really wasn't going to do,

Hope it's over
Oh, it's not over

One word's too little, too late to ever make amends,
One word's too little, too late to gain respect again,
One word's too little, too late, my smears will be my end,

Ah, hope it's over,
It's not over,

Hope it's over, the polls are down
Even the left-wing press has gone to town,
I tried to smear and lie, yet still try to deny,
Hope it's over (It's over)
It's not over

One word's too little, too late to ever make amends,
One word's too little, too late to gain respect again,
One word's too little, too late, my smears will be my end,

And it's not over,
It's not over,
It's not over,

One word's too little, too late to ever make amends,
One word's too little, too late to gain respect again,
(repeat to fading opinion polls...)

BREAKING: Damian Green Re-Arrested

Damian Green MP, shortly to become Camp X-Ray's newest inmate.

Shadow Immigration Secretary Damian Green has been re-arrested this morning, according to sources within the Metropolitan Police.

The MP, who was formally cleared by the CPS today following the November raids on his home and Parliamentary office, was apprehended while sleeping at his home just before dawn.

Officers from the elite PJSP* Unit of Scotland Yard conducted the raid, and Mr Green is currently being held in the high-security Belmarsh Prison awaiting further actions.

Mr Green is expected to face charges including 'Obstructing a Minister in the Course of Troughing Expenses', and 'Making a Home Secretary Look Like a Stalinist Twat with Intent'. Any trial would, however, be held in camera for reasons of national security.

A spokesman for the Home Secretary denied reports that Damian Green was facing extraordinary rendition, but he provided a statement from Jacqui Smith saying, "these charges are very serious and go to the heart of national security and my personal self-image. The Home Office will be pushing for the strongest possible punishment for Mr Green and to any other MP who dares to try and hold the glorious New Labour Party to account".


*Protecting Jacqui Smith's Pride

LabourList Reveal New Editor

LabourList's new Editor reads up on his latest political hero.

Following the Labour Party's distancing of themselves from Derek Draper in the wake of the 'Smeargate' scandal, left-wing blog LabourList has announced that it is to take on a new editor.

In a shock development, the site's backers announced this morning that they have hired uberblogger, pundit and serial West Ham fan Iain Dale to be the new Editor of the blog.

A spokesman for LabourList said, "well, Iain's well known. And after the damage Draper did to both the site and the Party during his tenure here, having a right-winger couldn't do us any more harm, could it?"

The news has surprised Dales' billions of readers, who were convinced that he was a Conservative supporter. However, Dale dismissed their concerns, saying, "I've been a radical socialist all my life. I know all the words to 'The Red Flag' and everything, honest. And I voted for Kinnock in 1983. But seriously, my agent says it'll be good publicity and I'll have an opinion in support of anything if the cash is right, know what I mean?".

'Diary of a Geek' challenged Mr Dale to provide a copy of his Labour Party membership card, however Iain assured us that it was 'in the post'.

Mr Dale promised that the overall message of LabourList would remain unchanged, and that LabourList will not turn into a Tory spin site. However, he did admit, " I might have a few problems 'being nice about Gordon. Or Mandelson. Or Balls. Or the whole bloody lot of them, quite frankly".

Gary Glitter Converts to Islam

In a statement released through his solicitors today, disgraced former glam rocker Gary Glitter has announced that he is renouncing his old ways and has found God.

Glitter, whose real name is Paul Gadd and who has served prison sentences both in the UK and Southeast Asia for child sex offences, has announced that with immediate effect, he is to move to Saudi Arabia and is converting to Islam.

The aging rocker said, "After deep consideration, I have come to the conclusion that Saudi Arabia is the right homeland for me, and that the Muslim faith is the right spiritual message. Also, what I like to do is legal out there, so I'm sorted!"

A spokesman at London's Finsbury Park mosque confirmed that Mr Glitter had officially converted to the Islamic faith, and has taken the Arabic name Kiddi Al-Shagum.

BREAKING: Police Call For Tactics Review

Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson has called for a review of tactics in the wake of the protests at the G20 summit.

The Met has hired former Chelsea coach Jose Mourinho as a Special Adviser, to help them tighten up the areas identified as failings following their narrow win in the match with Protesta Anticapitalista on 1 April.

Sir Paul said, "while the overall performance was good, we can see there are some areas that require improvement. We believe 'The Special One' can improve our attacking force, especially right at the front in the face of the opposition".

He added, "Mourinho's review will focus on speeding up the Police attack, ensuring that the motivated forwards get in early, hard and fast with their batons. We've obviously got a couple of star hitters in our formation already, but we need more speed and more commitment to see more of the spectacular own goals the Met has managed to score with these protests".

FBI Release Image of Somali Pirate Leader

The shadowy 'H', leader of the Somali Pirates and #3 on the Most Wanted List.

Following a second attack on a US-flag merchant vessel by Somali pirates, the FBI have released an e-fit image of the man they say is the leader of the pirate gangs.

The man, known only as 'H', has reportedly been placed at #3 on the US Ten Most Wanted list, behind Osama Bin Laden and Sarah Palin's campaign manager.

FBI Special Agent Chip Cleancut, releasing the e-fit image of the wanted man, said, "this man represents a clear and present danger to US merchant shipping, and to the national security of the United States of America. We will catch this man, and bring him to justice".

The shadowy 'H' is currently believed to be in hiding in the NievaarLand coastal region of Somalia. Rumours that the FBI are deploying a covert airborne team to apprehend him have not been confirmed by FBI sources.

Jack Tweed to Remarry

The newly-groomed Groom, preparing to become a prison wife.

Jade Goody's widower Jack Tweed is to remarry following a whirlwind romance, we can exclusively reveal.

Tweed, 21, was jailed yesterday for 12 weeks following his conviction for a brutal assault on a cab driver. However, in a statement released through publicist Max Cash, Tweed has revealed that he has found a new love since the death of Jade Goody, whom he married just prior to her tragic and brave death.

Mr Cash said, "Jack has sought love to overcome his grief at the loss of Jade, and while in remand has had a whirlwind courtship with his new love, his cellmate armed robber 'Reamer' McGee on C Block. They are due to be married in a private ceremony in the prison shower rooms within the next week, and McGee has promised to make sure Jack gets a nice big ring out of it".

The report was confirmed by the editor of 'Yay!' magazine, Sleb Starfucker, who said that they would be providing exclusive photo coverage of the wedding and 'Reamer' McGee's subsequent consummation of the marriage. However, he denied that Tweed is to be paid millions, adding, "it's going to be a cheap exclusive for 'Yay!' Magazine - Jack's sold us the rights for a tube of KY and some Dunlopillo".

G20 Protests: Second Officer Suspended

Police at the G20 gearing up for their annual protester-bashing day.

Another Metropolitan Police officer has been suspended today amid allegations of misconduct during the G20 protests.

The officer, believed to be a sergeant in the TSG, is being investigated following accusations that he was polite and civil towards a G20 protester during the protests in London on April 1.

Acting at great personal risk, an independent cameraman obtained footage of the officer, who has not been named, amiably telling a female protester the time of day. Reports that the same officer was subsequently filmed helping an old lady cross the road are as yet unconfirmed.

Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson refused to comment on the specifics of the case, but said, "we are taking these allegations extremely seriously. If one of my officers may have acted inappropriately then we must root out this misbehaviour. All my officers are fully aware of their code of conduct, and failure to administer a damn good battering to anyone within six feet is a grave breach of what I expect from officers".

Justice Minister Jack Straw called for an end to speculation and for the investigation to be allowed to proceed, adding, "the public should not be concerned that one bad-apple officer was pleasant. They should be reassured that the vast majority of police officers are officious, brutal thugs who are just looking for an excuse to arrest or thump you".

Seen on Whitehall Lampposts

Britblog Roundup #217

. . is up at Philobiblon.

Urine-Spray Chemist Escapes Jail, Gets New Job

Sahnoun Daifallah, new Prime Ministerial Faeces-Flinger.

A chemist who contaminated food and wine in Gloucestershire supermarkets with his own urine and faeces has escaped prison today.

Sahnoun Daifallah, 42, of Gloucester, was found guilty of four counts of contaminating goods at four businesses in May 2008.

However, Judge Carol Hagen decided against a custodial sentence following character references and reports that Daifallah had been offered gainful employment.

Bristol Crown Court had heard the Algerian-born chemist sprayed a mixture of his own effluent in four locations including Tesco in Quedgley and Morrisons in Abbeydale. When police searched his house they found stockpiles of the mixture and plans to spread it in other cities including Bristol and Birmingham.

However, following references from Tom Watson MP, Derek Draper and the Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Judge Hagen decided against a custodial sentence.

Speaking after the hearing, Tom Watson said, "we do understand that Mr Daifallah did a bad thing. However, we feel that everyone deserves a second chance, and the Parliamentary Labour Party are going to give Mr Daifallah that chance to redeem himself.

Mr Watson added, "with Damian McBride gone the Labour Party needs to hire someone who can fling shit around, and this guy fits the bill perfectly".

PM Seeks Therapy for Speech Impediment

"No! No! I won't say the 'S' word, you can't make me!"

Gordon Brown has enlisted the help of a therapist to aid him in overcoming a speech impediment, according to Downing Street sources.

The PM has reportedly sought the help of Derek Draper, who was educated somewhere near Berkeley, to help resolve a problem that has been recurring since he took office in 2007.

A source close to Mr Brown said, "Gordon realises that there is a problem he needs to fix, and is getting help to do so. He has an intermittent stutter, which seems to come into play only when he is required to speak or write the word 'sorry'. There's just a mental block there, and the word simply can't get past his lips".

The anonymous source added, "it's even worse when he writes. He tries and tries, but his hand won't work. . . then he swiftly loses both his bladder control and his temper, and smashes yet another mobile".

Derek Draper refused to be drawn on specific cases, but confirmed that he was 'working closely with a senior figure'. Mr Draper said that while the case he was working on was complex and would not be quickly resolved, he hoped to be able to blame the Tories for it within the next six weeks.

Bye-Bye Mister Damian McBride

Given the events of the last few days, I feel a song in my heart. Specifically, this one. Enjoy.

A long, long time ago,
I can still remember
That the PM used to trust McBride
But we knew if he had the chance
He'd lead us all a merry dance,
And use the press for spreading spin and lies,

But Easter Weekend saw him bitten,
For all the emails that he'd written,
Every single fake leak
Has left New Labour up shit creek,

I really hope that Draper cried,
When he had to tell us all he'd lied,
And Gordon's hopes of winning died,
The day he sacked McBride.

CHORUS
So bye, bye Mr Poison McBride
We'll be glad to see the back of all your venom and lies,
And now the Press are gonna eat you alive,
So it's bye bye Mister Damian McBride,
Bye bye Mister Damian McBride...

Did you dirty Nadine's name,
And you thought George Osborne's wife fair game,
And did Gordon tell you so?
And with Draper as your public troll,
You dug New Labour in a hole,
And now you'll pay for all the mud you throw. . .

We know Gordon's in this to his chin,
Though he'd promised us an end to spin
Now the PM's ego's bruised,
As he's had to cut his 'Mad Dog' loose,

You're a cowardly, scheming, lying fuck
And now you're caught, and now you're stuck,
And Gordon was shit out of luck
The day he sacked McBride.

CHORUS
The Tories singing,
So bye, bye Mr Poison McBride
We'll be glad to see the back of all your venom and lies,
And now the Press are gonna eat you alive,
So it's bye bye Mister Damian McBride,
Bye bye Mister Damian McBride...

Now for years you've handled Gordon's press,
And spun and lied at his behest,
But thats not how it's going to be.
You took the bit between your teeth,
You even smeared a dad in grief,
Your actions were low beyond belief,

Oh, though while your misdeeds have been found,
The true blame lies with Gordon Brown
With all the mud you've thrown,
The PM must have known,
So while Draper claims it was just a lark,
And the PM swears he was in the dark,
You were the dog he told to bark,
And now, your're sacked McBride,

CHORUS
With bloggers singing,
So bye, bye Mr Poison McBride
We'll be glad to see the back of all your venom and lies,
And now the Press are gonna eat you alive,
So it's bye bye Mister Damian McBride,
Bye bye Mister Damian McBride...

This morning I turned on the news,
And saw something to lift the blues,
That you've been sacked and gone away.
And there's bloggers writing posts galore,
We know that you are gone for sure,
And we hope your brand of spin has had its day,

On Labourlist the lefties scream,
The chance of a fourth term a dream,
The lies McBride has spoken,
have left New Labour broken,
And the bit that I enjoy the most,
Despite his spin and empty boasts,
Is you and Draper are both toast,
Because....you're sacked, McBride.

And we're all singing,
So bye, bye Mr Poison McBride
We'll be glad to see the back of all your venom and lies,
And now the Press are gonna eat you alive,
So it's bye bye Mister Damian McBride,
Bye bye Mister Damian McBride!

US Forces to leave Afghanistan Immediately

The latest addition to the 'Axis of Evil'.

US President Barack Obama has announced the immediate total withdrawal of all US troops from Iraq and Afghanistan, in order to deal with the current Somalian piracy threat.

The move was sparked by the pirates' attempt to capture a US-flag merchant vessel this week, and four pirates are currently at sea in one of the ship's lifeboats having taken the captain hostage.

US Defense Secretary Robert Gates, announcing the decision, said, "we have to deal with the threat posed by these four pirates. Therefore, we are deploying the US Seventh Fleet and the entire US Marine Corps to take control of the lifeboat and restore order".

The USAF have put B-52s on standby to provide air support to the Seventh Fleet, who are expected to launch a shock attack on the liferaft including Tomahawk cruise missiles, a combined amphibious assault and the imposition of a 'freedom Government' on the liferaft once the operation is complete. American nuclear missile bases are on high alert.

Gates dismissed questions about whether it was necessary to use over 200,000 troops to deal with 4 blokes in a lifeboat, adding that he wanted to make sure the lifeboat situation didn't turn into another Vietnam".

The Defense Secretary added that a new medal would be issued to US Forces once the liferaft was retaken, which is to be named 'The Battle We Actually Won Cross'.

PM Calls for Fear over Easter Terror Plot

Fear is Freedom. Fear Foreigners. Love Ingsoc.

Prime Mincer Gordon Brown has appealed for fear in the North of England following the counter-terrorist arrests made this week.

12 people - all believed to be Pakistanis and most on student visas - have been arrested by police and are being interrogated, while a number of properties are being searched.

Mr Brown said, "We are dealing with a very big terrorist plot. We have been following it for some time. It is right that the people of the UK should fear the insidious, constant threat of terrorism. Believe the warnings. Obviously I don't go shopping as I have flunkies to do it for me, but personally I wouldn't be going out. It's not safe anywhere. You must fear, and look to me, The Saviour of the World, to protect you".

The PM's sentiments were echoed by Greater Manchester Chief Constable Peter Fahy, who said, "the public should fear shopping in any of the reported targets. We're not telling you what the targets are, though. I would have no hesitation in stopping my wife and kids going shopping. They'll get blown up. There are terrorists everywhere".

The Chief Constable added, "we are calling on citizens to help fight this horrific threat to our British way of life, by calling the Confidential Terror-Monger Hotline whenever they see a terrorist. The terrorists will be easy to spot - they'll have brown skin and beards. And maybe funny accents".

*Make your own terror sign here.

X-Men Star Calls for Death Penalty

"The next bastard using bittorrent is gonna get these claws where the sun don't shine".

X-Men: Origins star Hugh Jackman has added his voice to the growing calls for the return of capital punishment.

The actor, who plays Wolverine in the upcoming movie, attacked 'the growing wave of serious crime' across the globe, and said that a return to the death penalty was the only way to provide an effective deterrent.

Speaking from his hospital bed, where he is being treated for uncontrollable grief following the leaking of his latest film, Jackman said, "the state I'm in is the human cost of piracy. Downloading and copying movies is a crime against humanity - it's the entertainment equivalent of genocide, and it must be stopped. I am campaigning for movie pirates to be tried by the International Criminal Court, and to be subject to death by hanging upon conviction. It's the only way to deal with this vicious, brutal crime".

The illegal leakage of a rough copy of X-Men: Origins is currently being investigated by the FBI, who have no been joined by a UN war-crimes delegation. A trial judge has been appointed at the ICC in The Hague.

BREAKING: Top Terror Cop Arrested

The terrorist leader sending signals to his cell yesterday.

A senior police officer has been arrested today in a counter-terrorism operation aimed at exposing an Al-Qaeda mole in senior office, sources within the Metropolitan Police have confirmed.

Reports are sketchy, but it is believed that armed police from Scotland Yard's elite SO19 firearms unit swooped on the private bathroom of Assistant Commissioner Bob Quick, catching him in the act of dumping.

The documents Quick was flushing away allegedly prove him to be a sleeper agent for Al-Qaeda, living and working in the UK under a false identity. His real name is rumoured to be Abu Sof Authoritee Bin Themoron, a shadowy terrorist and confidant of Osama Bin Laden. Bin Themoron was known to be planning further atrocities against the UK, but his whereabouts had been a mystery for some time.

The operation was brought forward after Bin Themoron was caught on camera at Downing Street attempting to send signals to a terror cell in Liverpool. Police sources say they were left with no choice but to act quickly and make the arrest.

Assistant Commissioner Quick has been taken to Belmarsh, where he is to be interrogated before being extradited to Guantanamo Bay.

Merseyside Police Receiving Counselling

"I must be careful with these Top Secret documents!"

There are reports today that Merseyside Police is to receive therapy after yesterday's anti-terror raids throughout Liverpool.

12 people were arrested in the operations across the area last night, including several at Liverpool John Moores University. Properties are still being searched for evidence.

The force has checked itself into the renowned Tantra Clinic in Cheshire, after the inappropriate actions of an overzealous senior officer caused the raids to be carried out much earlier than planned.

Sources within Merseyside Police refused to comment, but a spokesman for Tantra Hall confirmed that Merseyside Police was receiving counselling and treatment for a bad case of 'Premature Incarceration'.

Justice Ministry: New Laws for Police Introduced

Ride yer bike without lights, will yer? Stitch this!

Following the tragic death of Ian Tomlinson during the G20 protests last week, and the alleged actions of a police offer which may have contributed to his death, the Justice Ministry has announced new laws to ensure that similar events do not recur.

The new laws will come in to effect immediately, and were announced by Justice Minister Laventiy Straw this morning. Mr Straw said, "clearly, the Justice Ministry is highly disturbed by the events of last week, and it is right that we make sure that such a tragedy never happens again. These new laws will ensure that the actions of a police officer should not, and will not, lead to an IPCC inquiry being required in future".

The new laws are as follows:

- Going Equipped For Annoying A Police Officer;

- Looking At A Police Officer In A Funny Way;

- Resisting A Police Officer Who Wants To Give Someone A Kicking;

- Being In The Wrong Place At The Wrong Time, Tough Fucking Luck.

All three new offences carry a range of on-the spot penalties, ranging from a damn good twatting with a riot baton up to the application of police dogs, tasers, pepper-spray and firearms at the discretion of the officer doing the beating. The laws also allow for the imposition of capital punishment should the thumping administered not do the job in the first place.

A spokesman for the Association of Chief Police Officers welcomed the new laws, adding that they would be 'carefully and thoroughly' applied - especially to journalists, photographers or anyone in front of a constable when he didn't get laid the night before.

G20 Death: IPCC To Hold Independent Inquiry

"You twat him, we'll all back you up".

The Independent Police Complaints Commission are to hold an independent inquiry into the independent actions of an independent police officer which may have been linked to the tragic death of Ian Tomlinson.

Mister Tomlinson died in the street on APril 1 during a G20 protest, shortly after being clubbed to the ground from behind by a Metropolitan Police Officer. Footage of the attack on Mr Tomlinson has been published by the Guardian.

Independent Police Complaints Commission spokesman Ian Dependence, speaking at a press conference this afternoon, said, "we have independently decided to launch an independent inquiry into these events. We will independently interview the officers involved - assuming that we can independently find out who they are. We will make independent enquiries into the circumstances that led to Mister Tomlinson's untimely and tragic death. An independent autopsy will independently establish the extent that police actions were involved in the fatality. We will be very thorough and independent".

Mr Dependence added, "once our independent investigations are fully complete, we will of course compile and publish a full report - which will say exactly what Jacqui Smith and Paul Stephenson want it to say".

Blair to become Pope Tony I

His Holiness Pope Tony I tries his halo for size.

Following his enormous success as British Prime Minister, his tireless work in bringing regime change to war-torn Iraq and his subsequent complete brilliance in brokering a solid and lasting peace in the Middle East, Tony Blair has announced that his latest project is to become Pope.

Speaking to a massed gathering of the assembled faithful on a hillside near Galilee, Mr Blair called for a radical update of the Papal system of infallibility and for a shake-up of Catholic Dogma.

Mr Blair said, "As I stand here before my adoring fans, I say that the outdated structure of Papal infallibility must fall - because only I, Tony, am infallible. And I say to you that I will run for Pope as New Catholicism, and I will govern as New Catholicism".

The former PM is reported to have put together a team of 'cardinals' from his political days, including Alistair Campbell and John Reid. Peter Mandelson is to be appointed Archbishop of Westminster upon Mr Blair's ascension to the Papacy.

However, Mr Blair rejected rumours that John Prescott is to receive a Cardinalcy, pointing out that he'd never be able to handle the vow of celibacy.

Study Finds Oral Sex Causes Cancer

'Cunnilingus - Don't be a Victim of Ignorance'.

In the latest in a string of newly-discovered carcinogens, it has been discovered that oral sex can cause throat cancer.

American researchers have found that the HPV virus - the cause of the majority of cervical cancers - can be transmitted via cunnilingus, and reportedly creates a higher risk of throat cancers than the traditional risks of smoking and alcohol use.

Professor Shagbut Licknot, who led the all-male research team producing the report, said, "we can clearly see a dangerously high risk of throat cancer linked to cunnilingus, and we are deeply concerned about this".

Professer Licknot paid tribute to the 'brave volunteers' in the study, who had orally pleasured hundreds of women to build the statistical sample. He also added that his team had 'conclusively proved' that regular fellatio reduced the risk of contracting cancer, saying, "I'm sure that this will be reassuring news to women everywhere, and even more so to men. Oh, and swallowing makes you completely cancer-resistant. Honest, would I lie to you? I'm a doctor!".

However, Doctor Hilary Bulldyke, of the Feminist Medical Association, sought to play down concern about the risks, saying, "realistically, given the average male approach to foreplay, we can safely assume that the exposure to the HPV virus is minimal and therefore the risk is reduced".

London, England. 2009.

The image above links to the video at The Guardian.

Not a protester. Not throwing bottles, setting fire to mannequins or hurling insults. Just a man on his way home. Pushed, then attacked from behind and clubbed to the ground by a big, tough 'police officer'.

This is not Tiananmen Square. This is not the DDR. This is not Hungary, Czechoslovakia or any of the former totalitarian states.

This is London, England. April 2009.

This, dear Reader, is how far we have sunk.

UPDATE:

According to Labourhome, what you see above is the fault of the Tories. Of course. So that's alright then, it's nothing to do with a politicised, power-crazed Met under the ownership of the Home Sec.

Innocent Drinks Loses Its Cherry to Coca-Cola

Innocent? Not for much longer.....

British soft-drink and smoothie manufacturer Innocent Drinks has announced that it has sold a 20% stake in itself to the Coca-Cola Corporation.

Co-founders Richard Reed, Adam Balon and Jon Wright said the investment would be used to take the business to the "next level of success" in innovation and expansion in Europe.

However, the sale of the stake means that the brand has also committed to changing and developing its product range further, to be more in line with the Coca-Cola ethos.

Reed said, "obviously we are going to make some changes to the drinks. The smoothies will now have added, unidentified 'vegetable extracts', and we aim to increase the amount of added sugar and CO2 by 125% over the next two years. This will be matched by a new marketing scheme whereby, much as Coca-Cola did with Santa and Christmas, we become inextricably associated with the Easter Bunny".

As part of the deal, Innocent Drinks is to undergo a rebranding, and from 1 May will be renamed 'Fucking Evil Drinks'.

Utter Pollacks: Fish to be Renamed

A common fishing catch. Note the inflated Pufferfish - soon to be renamed 'Prescott'.

Following the revelation from Sainsbury's that Pollack is to be renamed 'Colin' as people were embarrassed to ask for it at the fish counter, further seafood products are to be renamed following complaints from various consumer groups.

Sainsbury's Customer Embarrassment Manager Red Blushfaced said, "clearly if customers or consumer groups are having problems with the current name of a fish, or asking for it for any other reason, then we need to act to resolve that problem. We are therefore making a number of name changes to well-known sea fish, and are in negotiations with the other major supermarkets to make these changes permanent".

Under Sainsbury's proposed name changes, the following fish and seafood would be renamed:

Monkfish

To be renamed following complaints from the Benedictine Order. Sainsbury's Marketing team have taken the physical characteristics of the fish into account, especially the width of its mouth, and have renamed it 'Cherie'.

Oysters

Rebranded in an attempt to lose their 'aphrodisiac' image. Sainsbury's noted that they're slimy and can very easily make you sick. Oysters will in future be called 'Mandelsons'.

Gurnard
While a useful and quite tasty fish, few people have heard of it and Gurnard is frequently ignored by shoppers. Gurnard is therefore to be rebranded as 'Clegg'.




Sea Bream
A tasty fish, but often disregarded due to its flashy appearance and fat lips. Bream will in future be called 'Jamie'.





Dover Sole
Reportedly the finest of British fish. However it's extremely expensive, all at sea, and frequently flaps its fins around to little overall effect. Sole will henceforth be renamed 'Gordon'.