THE DIARY OF A GEEK IN OXFORDSHIRE


Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Griffin, The 'C' Word and the BNP

Griffin. Half-blind physically, totally blind mentally.

The 'C' word - the worst word in the world and all that - is not one that I use frequently. It has its place, but its use here on the Blog is rare to say the least. My mother reads this Blog. Sometimes even my grandmother. But there are times, now and again, when no other word will do.

This is one of those times.

Nick Griffin is an unmitigated, stupid, vacuous, moronic, racist cunt.

Griffin 'leads' a political party (I use this term in its loosest possible sense) comprised of the lowest form of scum. Cretinous, deluded, knuckle-dragging, racist cunts one and all.

According to Griffin and his monobrowed army of homunculi, Black and Asian Britons 'don't exist'. Oh, really? Oh Fucking Really, you utter hoon?

So by your twisted 'logic', my mother doesn't exist. Neither does my grandmother and, by extension, neither do I. My adopted sister also doesn't exist. We are 'racial foreigners', apparently. So, therefore, we must be of lesser value than the good Mister Griffin and his ilk.

I don't think so.

The only sub-humans - the truest of 'untermensches' in this country are Nick Griffin and the protozoa infesting the British National Party.

They show no understanding of the contribution made by black and asian people to this country throughout its history. What's more, they show a risible lack of comprehension of the history of Man.

Griffin - I will not grace you with the honorific 'Mister', which applies to members of the human race - YOU, and your cabal of cunts are the ones who are not British. You have no concept of what the word means, no sense of responsibility to this country. Your deluded, vile, racist leaflets harken back to the awful days of the Reich's 'Nuremberg Laws'.

You and your ilk are the ones who don't deserve the right to exist in this country. One day, I fervently wish you get your own Nuremberg moment. I'll even pull the lever myself.

You, Nick Griffin, are a cunt.

Shocking Images Show Inside of PM's Brain

X-Ray images showing the inside of the Prime Minister's skull. Note the lack of a brain.

Secret X-Ray footage taken in the House of Commons has revealed the reason behind Prime Minister Gordon Brown's erratic behaviour.

Experts believe the shocking injuries to be caused by a combination of factors, including aides trying to knock some sense into the PM and ricochets from thrown objects.

Psycho-Electric specialist Dave Voltresistor said that many of the Prime Minister's recent decisions could be explained by the embedded objects, explaining, "the likely explanation is that the metal is is causing short-circuits between the synapses, leading to erratic moods, occasional incontinence poor judgement and megalomaniacal episodes.

Mr Voltresistor added, "or it could be just that he's a complete fucking loon".

Shocking video shows the dramatic impact of brain injuries on the PM.


Thursday, April 23, 2009

Jade Goody: The Musical?


So apparently they're going to make a musical of Jade Goody's life.

**Shudder**

They could call it 'Babe IV: Pig on the Telly'.

But I suppose it's a bit more money for Max Clifford the Goodys. No doubt they'll televise the auditions process. I'm sure Andrew Lloyd-Webber and John Barrowman would be delighted to help. They could call it 'Britain's Got Absolutely Fuck-All Talent'.

And, to help them along, I've made a start on some of the songs that a 'Jade' musical could use or recycle. Happy to help and all that.

From West Side Story: 'I Slagged Shetty';

How about a spot of The Jam, with 'And Now She's Underground';

By The Hollies: 'It Ain't Telly, It's Big Brother';

How about recycling from 'Oklahoma'? 'Oh, What A Beautiful Mourning';

Anyone have any other suggestions for songs? Stick 'em in the comments, I may even do lyrical parodies of the best suggestions.

The Budget Song


With my apologies to Mr Eric Idle and the Monty Python crew.


So I was watching Sky News this morning, and on-screen there was a 'debt-counter', ticking at a phenomenal rate as it counted spiralling Goonvernment debt and borrowing numbers.

For those who weren't able to mentally calculate the speed at which our debt is rising, Eamonn Holmes helpfully pointed out that it's rising at £300,000 per MINUTE. Which got me thinking....

*"Whenever life gets you down, Mr Brown, and things seem hard or tough,

When your advisers are stupid, obnoxious or daft,

And you fell that you've had quite enoooooouuuuggggghhhh....


Just imagine that you're watching this Government imploding,
And wasting eighteen million pounds an hour,
Debt rising at five thousand pounds a second, so it's reckoned,
As Gordon tries and fails to stay in power,
The debt for you and me, and everyone that you can see
Goes up at seven hundred pounds a day,
And it makes you really think, at eighteen million pounds an hour
Just how much cash New Labour's thrown away!

And just to bail the banks out cost two hundred billion pounds,
Our money thrown and wasted far and wide,
And Brown and Darling both must be spectacularly thick,
If they believe the voters can't see how they've lied,
Six billion pounds of tax on all high earners ain't the point,
When you borrow half a trillion in three years,
If we don't stop all the spending of billions and billions,
Then our fiscal situation just gets worse!

The National Debt itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
To levels that scare most economists,
As high as it can go - two trillion pounds you know,
Three hundred grand a minute, New Labour really took the piss,
So remember when your savings look unsafe and insecure,
That Labour taxed us all for all we're worth,
And pray they'll be some sense on the next Tory Budget Day,
There's been bugger all from this bunch of berks!

*(Thanks to Cleethorpes Rock for the suggested intro)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Budget 2009: Sheer Genius

Not a Budget for the 2010 Election, but for 2015.

So that's the 2009 Budget over with - as one person on Twitter described it, 'the shortest suicide note in history'. Sin taxes up, increased taxes on those who've worked hard enough to earn a good salary. Debt and borrowing levels that are so staggering, they simply beggar belief.

And yet - in my opinion, what this was was a very clever Budget indeed in political terms. Sheer genius, in fact.

Look at it from the perspective of the corrupt, mendacious bastards populating the Parliamentary Labour Party. They know - with total certainty - that come the next General Election, they are going to take the electoral kicking they so richly deserve. But they're not thinking about the next one - they're thinking about 2015, or perhaps even 2020.

This Budget did precisely NOTHING to cut the spiralling, uncontrolled borrowing and debt. In fact, by Eyebrow's own admission, national debt will rise to an astonishing 79% of GDP within the next three years. So they will lose in 2010, and the Conservative Party will have to make the hard choices.

The Conservative Party will have to increase income tax. They will have to make swingeing cuts to the public sector. They simply have no choice, if they wish to bring borrowing and debt to sustainable, reasonable levels. These next few years are really, REALLY going to hurt.

And as every hard decision is taken, as every Conservative Budget announces the next wave of cost-cutting measures, the Liebore Opposition will be there screaming, "Look at the Tories! Look at the 'Nasty Party'! The Tories are the party of cuts, of high taxation, look what they're doing!"

And - come 2015, the revamped, revitalised, re-imaged New New Labour Party will campaign on a platform of tax cuts, public-sector investment and 'prudent investment for growth'.

The really scary thing though - the bit that really terrifies me - is that they're likely to win. Despite the 1975-1979 economic damage AND the 1997-2009 fiscal destruction - they could win again.

Thinking like Liebore, and looking long-term - this Budget is sheer genius. God help us all.

Budget 2009: Darling Leaves Downing St....

Leaving on his tax-gathering mission, Chancellor Alistair Darling eschews the traditional red box....



Taxandspendy

With apologies to Lewis Carroll.

Twas Budget, and the slimy toad,
Did send poor Darling out again,
From whimsy were the numbers grow'd,
That came from Number Ten.

"And use the Taxandspend, old son,
The debts that bite, the laws that catch,
Entreat the hidden tax, don't shun,
The slightest attempt to snatch!"

He took his big red box in hand,
Longtime to Parliament he talked,
And waffled he, for in honesty,
He'd given it no thought.

And as for more he did beseech,
The Taxandspend did once again,
Come whiffling through the Budget speech,
And charged us as it came!

One Two! One Two! For me and you,
Our once-full pockets he ransacked,
And left us spent, to pay their debts,
He crippled us with tax.

"And hast thou used the Taxandspend?
Come to my arms, my eyebrow'd boy!
O Frabjous Day! Calooh! Calay!"
Gord chortled in his joy.

Twas Budget, and the slimy toad,
Did send poor Darling out again,
From whimsy were the numbers grow'd,
That came from Number Ten.


Stand And Deliver!


It's Budget Day again, and we know what the 'Dick Turpin of Downing Street' desires.


Gord's the scruffy highwayman with Stalinist intention,
And his and Darling's Budgets are the main bone of contention!
To speak of Brown and Darling would use words I dare not mention,
They taxed and spent and robbed us all, and even raided pensions!

CHORUS
Stand and Deliver, as Budget taxes rise!
All that's delivered, is waste and spin and lies!

Gord's the scruffy highwayman, so void of charm and passion,
And thanks to all his errors the economy is crashing,
So beer and fags'll go up in today's speech Darling's making,
But Britain's had enough, they've taken everything worth taking!

CHORUS
Stand and Deliver, as Budget taxes rise!
All that's delivered, is waste and spin and lies!

We know coz we've seen the polls
New Labour's had its time, it's time...

You're the sleazy Highwaymen, we're tired of excuses,
You make your big pronouncements but the little person loses,
We're tired of you, Highwaymen, and we want an election!
So we can get you out and then start to rebuild the nation!

CHORUS
Stand and Deliver, as Budget taxes rise!
All that's delivered, is waste and spin and lies!

We know coz we've seen the polls
New Labour's had its time, it's time...

They've fiddled the numbers, they've fiddled the numbers,
They've fiddled the numbers, they've fiddled the numbers,

Stand and Deliver, as Budget taxes rise!
Stand and Deliver, as Budget taxes rise!
(Etc, etc, etc....)

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Exclusive! Darling Rehearsing Budget Speech

At great personal risk, Dungeekin has obtained secret video footage of Alistair Darling rehearsing his Budget speech with his Treasury advisers.



Hawking 'Comfortable' in Hospital

Professor Stephen Hawking demonstrating his new multigym.

Legendary cosmologist and author Professor Stephen Hawking is reported to be 'comfortable' after being rushed to hospital from his home in Cambridge.

Professor Hawking, who is Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University and the author of A Brief History of Time', is to remain in hospital for treatment for his illness, believed to be a viral infection.

Specialists at Addenbrooke's Hospital, where the professor is being treated, said that Hawking had been suffering from two separate infections upon admission - a 'nasty case of Conficker', and a relapse of an earlier W32.Mytob illness.

Surgeons have now rebooted Professor Hawking, and he is currently running in Safe Mode awaiting a full disinfection. He is, however, expected to make a full recovery without the need for his original install disks.

F1: Red Bull Racing in Banned Substance Probe

Red Bull F1 car on a flying lap.

Following their stunning 1-2 victory in the Chinese Grand Prix last weekend, the Red Bull F1 team are to be investigated by the FIA over allegations that they used a performance-enhancing substance.

Red Bull's Sebastian Vettel won the rain-soaked race, with Mark Webber second. However, the result has been contested (again) by Ferrari. The investigation centres around the accusation that the team were using an unauthorised additive which provided additional downforce during the Grand Prix.

Team Principal of Red Bull racing, Christian Horner, dismissed Ferrari's complaint, pointing out that they will complain about almost anything all the time they're not winning. However, he did acknowledge that Red Bull were using a fuel additive, though he claimed it was within the regulations to do so.

Mr Horner said, "we have found that using a small percentage of Red Bull in the fuel tank at pit stops causes the carbon-fibre rear spoiler and diffuser to expand at speed. This effect gives the car approximately 5% more downforce, and on a full-speed flying lap this can equate to as much as half a second off the lap time.

"We have discovered, therefore, that Red Bull does give you wing".

Rare Spitfire Sells for £1.7m

The RAF's latest (and only) Air-Defence Fighter.

A rare restored Supermarine Spitfire has been sold at auction for £1.7m - the highest amount ever for one of the famous aircraft.

Discovered in a scrapyard in the 1970's, the legendary plane has been completely restored to airworthiness and is cleared for flight.

The auctioneers refused to comment on the identity of the buyer, but our sources have indicated that the Spitfire has been purchased by the Royal Air Force, so that they actually have ONE working plane with which to defend UK airspace.

MP's Vote for Extended Summer Recess

If they're on holiday, at least they're not making laws.

MPs have awarded themselves an extra-long break as from this summer, citing the highly stressful nature of their work as the reason.

Announcing the change, Speaker Michael Martin emphasised how difficult an MPs job was. He said, "MPs sometimes have to work from 3pm to 10pm, four days a week, and this is highly damaging to their work-life balance. The revised Recess period from this summer will ensure that Parliamentarians are returning to this chamber refreshed, revitalised and ready to take on the onerous task of calculating their annual expenses claim".

Mr Martin added that the new recess was designed to fit around the reduction of Bills by this Government for the current Parliament. Originally, 18 were announced in the Queen's Speech, but this number was cut to 12 to allow the Government to focus on further bankrupting the country, then down to zero as of this week following the realisation that they've fucked up the country to the point that nobody wants them to touch anything any more.

From July 22 of this year, MPs will take a 50-week summer recess, returning to work on July 8 2010.

The news was welcomed by the general public in a straw poll by The Diary of A Geek, with the general feeling that the less time the incompetent, corrupt, troughing bastards spent devising new ways to screw with our lives the better.

Monday, April 20, 2009

BBC's Robinson in Medical Miracle Marvel


Medical experts from across the globe are converging on London this week to study a medical miracle which has affected BBC Political Correspondent Nick 'Toenails' Robinson.

Doctors are meeting to study Mr Robinson and to identify the causes behind what seems to be the first ever recorded case of spontaneous tissue regeneration in medical history.

Physicians were astounded to note that in a 'talking-head' slot on the BBC Today programme this morning, Mr Robinson appeared to have grown a pair of testicles, enabling him to cast aspersions on the comments made on the Programme by Ed Balls MP.

Speaking at a hastily-convened Press conference, Dr Nick Brownfinger, Chief Proctologist at Guys' Hospital, said, "we are amassing as many experts as possible to examime Mr Robinson, as this truly appears to be a medical miracle. We were shocked to note that a man who is normally firmly embedded within the cloacal vent of whichever Labour MP is speaking should appear to have spontaneously grown a pair".

Mr Brownfinger added, "we will take nothing to chance, however. As part of our tests we will be monitoring Mr Robinson's future output to see if, against all medical knowledge and all the odds, he has also started to grow a backbone".

Paxman Donates Brain To Parkinson's Charity

Paxman on 'Newsnight' following his donation.

Celebrities including Jeremy Paxman and Jane Asher have pledged to donate their brains to help find a cure for Parkinson's Disease. About 1,000 people have already joined a donor register run by the Parkinson's Disease Society but the charity hopes to double this number by the end of the year.

A spokesman for the Parkinson's Society said, "we were delighted that Jeremy came forward to offer his brain. The surgery went extremely well, and his brain is now being studied by our experts. I'm sure his 'Newsnight' interviewees won't notice a difference".

Paxman, who has now been discharged from hospital, commented briefly on his donation, saying, "bbbbbrrrrrrraaaaAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNSSSsssssss", before conducting an acerbic interview with Vince Cable.

The society is hoping that more celebrities will come forward, and that the increased publicity garnered will help increase awareness of the disease and help find a cure.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has also pledged his brain to the campaign, however the Society turned down his offer claiming that they only wanted healthy brains. His offer was not in vain, though, as his brain has been accepted by Battersea Dogs' Home, who are suffering a shortage of dog food.

National Rail Enquiries = Stupid.

"National Rail Enquiries, how can I NOT help you at all?"

I should explain.

On Saturday night, a friend and co-worker of The Darling G, currently over from the US, stayed with us overnight.

On Sunday morning, we were to drop our colonial cousin at Oxford railway station, whereby she would be using the rail network to travel to Stratford-Upon-Avon. We were warned on the Saturday that the connection at Banbury would be very tight (about 5 minutes), and that we could phone National Rail Enquiries on the Sunday morning to confirm from which platform at Banbury the Stratford train would depart. As Aleksandr would say - simples!

Or so we thought.

Below is a transcript of The Darling G's side of the conversation with National Rail Enquiries.

  • Hi, I'm travelling from Oxford to Stratford-Upon-Avon today. I understand I'll only have 5 minutes to connect at Banbury for the Stratford train, I was wondering if you would tell me what platform it's going from please?
  • Oxford, to Stratford-Upon-Avon.
  • Oxford.
  • No, Oxford. O-X-F-O-R-D.
  • Yes, to Stratford-upon-Avon.
  • Stratford-upon-Avon.
  • Yes, it does exist. Stratford-upon-Avon.
  • Yes it does. It's a pretty famous town HERE IN ENGLAND.
  • S-T-R-A-T-F-O-R-D. New word. U-P-O-N. New word. A-V-O-N.
  • Yes, it does exist.
  • Look, there's a train going from Banbury to Stratford-upon-Avon, and I just want to know which platform it will leave from.
  • No, I already have a ticket, I just want to know the platform.
  • No, I already have a ticket. I want to know the PLATFORM.
  • Platform. Where the trains leave the station?
  • No, the platform. You know - the train stops, people get on and off. THE PLATFORM.
  • Could I speak to a supervisor?
  • OK, can you give me the number for Banbury station please?
  • Banbury. B-A-N-B-U-R-Y.
  • Yes, it does exist. Can I please, just have the number?
  • 0845...ok, thank you.
  • No, I already have a ticket. You have a lovely day now. Byeeeee.

And the number we were given? Chiltern Railways Customer Services. Which was closed.

I have since heard that there's more to tell on this story, especially our friend's travails in travelling. More to follow.

Charities Call for Better Mental Health Provision

An artist's impression of a typical Labour voter.

Mental health charities have called for a radical shake-up of community support provision, after a report released over the weekend showed that mental health issues in the UK are considerably more widespread than originally believed.

The calls come following the release of the latest ICM opinion poll, which showed that despite Smeargate, a monocular megalomaniac 'leader' who has delusions of being 'The Saviour of the World', a failing education system, a Home secretary who's a complete c**t and a collapsing economy, some 26% of eligible voters would still vote Liebore at the next General Election.

Eric Windowlicker, of the charity Nutcase Support, said, "we are amazed by this research, which shows that the problems of insanity, cretinosity, intellectual retardation and outright lunacy is still utterly rampant in 21st-Century Britain. More needs to be done to combat this awful scourge on our society".

Mr Windowlicker called for greater levels of support to those deluded enough to support Liebore in the community, including the provision of electro-convulsive therapy to anyone with a Labour Party membership card. He added, "a good few thousand volts to the head and testicles may not change their voting patterns - but it'll make those of us who are sane feel pretty damn good".

Friday, April 17, 2009

Hit the Road, Jacq!



Today seems like it's all about the (Second) Home Secretary. When even The Grauniad says you're under threat, maybe it's time to. . .

CHORUS
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more,
We all say,
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more,

Woah Woman, oh woman, you're evil and mean,
You ordered the arrest of poor Damian Green,
Your authority's taken a blow,
It's time for you to quit and go.

That's right!

CHORUS
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more,
We all say,
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more,

Well you really can't be treating the voters this-a way
With the laws you've made to take our freedoms away.
(It's time to quit cause it's understood)
(that you've pocketed our money and you ain't no good.)
Well, we're waiting for Gordon's say-so
And for you to quit the job and go.

That's right!

CHORUS
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more,
We all say,
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jacq, don't be the Home Sec no more,

Well!!
Don't be the Home Sec no more,
Aah! We all say
Don't be the Home Sec no more,
Take your DNA database with you!
Don't be the Home Sec no more,
You know the Electorate mean that!
Don't be the Home Sec no more,
You can even keep the bathplug!
Don't be the Home Sec no more,
What you tryin' to do to this country?
Don't be the Home Sec no more,
Oh, don't treat MPs like that,
Don't be the Home Sec no more.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

One Word, Too Little, Too Late



With apologies to Mr Mathis, another song for Gordon in respect of his magnanimous apology for 'Smeargate'.

Hope it's over, said 'sorry' today,
Sorry that it had to be this way,
I'd tried hard to pretend,
But knew it had to end some day, this way,

Hope it's over, McBride is gone,
Draper and Whelan tryin' to hang on,
Those emails were the key,
Proved I had no integrity, and it's clear to see,

One word's too little, too late, my lies have been seen through,
One word's too little, too late, the whole world knows I knew,
A letter in felt tip really wasn't going to do,

Hope it's over
Oh, it's not over

One word's too little, too late to ever make amends,
One word's too little, too late to gain respect again,
One word's too little, too late, my smears will be my end,

Ah, hope it's over,
It's not over,

Hope it's over, the polls are down
Even the left-wing press has gone to town,
I tried to smear and lie, yet still try to deny,
Hope it's over (It's over)
It's not over

One word's too little, too late to ever make amends,
One word's too little, too late to gain respect again,
One word's too little, too late, my smears will be my end,

And it's not over,
It's not over,
It's not over,

One word's too little, too late to ever make amends,
One word's too little, too late to gain respect again,
(repeat to fading opinion polls...)

BREAKING: Damian Green Re-Arrested

Damian Green MP, shortly to become Camp X-Ray's newest inmate.

Shadow Immigration Secretary Damian Green has been re-arrested this morning, according to sources within the Metropolitan Police.

The MP, who was formally cleared by the CPS today following the November raids on his home and Parliamentary office, was apprehended while sleeping at his home just before dawn.

Officers from the elite PJSP* Unit of Scotland Yard conducted the raid, and Mr Green is currently being held in the high-security Belmarsh Prison awaiting further actions.

Mr Green is expected to face charges including 'Obstructing a Minister in the Course of Troughing Expenses', and 'Making a Home Secretary Look Like a Stalinist Twat with Intent'. Any trial would, however, be held in camera for reasons of national security.

A spokesman for the Home Secretary denied reports that Damian Green was facing extraordinary rendition, but he provided a statement from Jacqui Smith saying, "these charges are very serious and go to the heart of national security and my personal self-image. The Home Office will be pushing for the strongest possible punishment for Mr Green and to any other MP who dares to try and hold the glorious New Labour Party to account".


*Protecting Jacqui Smith's PrideJustify Full