Tuesday, March 06, 2012
In a development unprecedented since the 1997 Conservative Cull, it was this afternoon announced that all British Politicians are to be placed in immediate and total quarantine.
The announcement was made following what appears to be the worst outbreak of Foot In Mouth Disease in living memory spreading across the Parliamentary benches.
In a combined operation involving experts from the Department of Health, the Ministry if Agriculture, Fisheries and Food and other specialists, all politicians in the UK have been placed in immediate quarantine in the Palace of Wesetminster, and will be denied the oxygen of publicity believed to fuel the spread of the disease.
Experts first became aware of the extent of the problem recently when two members of the species, from different habitats, both exhibited simultaneous symptoms today. Ed Milipede, Latin name Politicanus Redleftius, and Lib-Dem coalition jester Bozo The Cable (P. Limpdummius), both showed signs of infection, with Milipede reduced to even more of an adenoidal babble than usual on a pointless radio phone-in and Cable publishing a letter attacking the very Government he's a Minister in.
A Department of Health Spokesman said, "these are two early cases, but what we are seeing now is the widespread infection of politicians in general. Previously we thought it was contained to Prescott's unintelligible babble and the odd halfwit comment from Ken Clarke - and, of course, Ken Livingstone has been suffering from Foot In Mouth for years but he's largely self-quarantined anyway.
"However, these two recent cases, along with the Prime Minister suffering an attack and promising millions of pounds we haven't got to avoid being lynched by union nurses, means that we have to take serious measures immediately for the greater public good."
Voters around the country have rallied in support of the move, and suggested that the standard approach taken with cattle of shooting and setting fire to every single politician would certainly be in the public interest.
However, it is feared that the outbreak may already have spread to other countries, with cases appearing in the United States, where Presidential no-hopeful Rick Santorum has declared the female uterus part of the Axis of Evil, and also in Russia, where a severe case led to Vladimir Putin declaring he had an electoral mandate.
Peter Mandelson was oleaginous for comment.
Posted by Dungeekin at 6:38 pm