Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Sunday, March 04, 2012

BREAKING: God to Sue Catholic Church

'The Diary' has received exclusive information that God, the reclusive titular head of most organised religions worldwide, has today launched legal action against the Roman Catholic Church.

The suit, filed in the names of J Hova, his son and a nebulous H Ghost of no fixed address, is believed to be the first of its kind where an individual has filed a class-action suit in the names of his multiple personalities.

The Diary has exclusively seen the text of the legal action, which demands damages from the Catholic Church for 'misrepresentation of a Deity figure, His Teachings and His attitude and cites a number of acts taken in His name including the First, Second and Third Crusades and the appointment of the current Pontiff, His Heiliness Obergruppenfuhrer Von Benedict XVI.

However, the event that finally prompted God, immortal, into legal action was an article by Cardinal Keith O'Brien, Britain's most senior religious transvestite, calling same-sex marriage 'madness' and 'a grotesque subversion of a universally accepted human right'.

God's spokesangel, Mr Bernard Bush, attacked the comments and explained the reasoning behind the legal action, saying, "God is being utterly misrepresented here by organised religion in general, and the Catholic Church in this matter in particular. God is a being of love, and gave love to all mankind, irrespective of where any human wishes to insert his genitalia. Altarboys excepted. That really pisses God off, we've got special plans for those priests."

Mr Bush added, "marriage is marriage, love is love. You lot, despite all your screwups, were created in His image and homosexuality is part of His plan. I mean, you *know* He moves in mysterious ways, right? Right? And yet you spout from some section of a 1700-year-old book like it's gospel or something, ignoring the bits where it also bans bowl haircuts, polyester and shellfish. Enough's enough."

The Catholic Church is expected to defend its position on business grounds, pointing out that tolerance is unlikely to pay the bills on the huge number of vastly-expensive lands and properties they own around the globe.

A separate case by God against the Islamic faith, challenging the use of suicide bombers in His name, was rejected by the European Court of Human Rights. In their decision, they pointed out that while they broadly supported the case against blowing shit up in the name of Allah without checking with Him first, the Court did not have jurisdiction to handle submissions by immortal, omnipotent Supreme Beings. Mr Hova was advised to take his case instead to his local Small Claims Court.

Ed Miliband was adenoidal for comment.

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Macheath said...

Nice one!

Welcome back to blogging - for those of us who don't twitter, you've been missed. Any new song parodies in the offing?

Central User said...

Crikey - Only a sixth sense stopped me from deleting your blog from my feed reader last week. Welcome back!.

On the nail, as usual.

Dungeekin said...

Thanks for the welcome back!

I *am* back, and will be continuing to insert a crowbar into life at the junction between sane and absurd. :-)

That said, work means it may be more sporadic than previously (unless someone wants to offer me large sums of cash for writing this drivel....)


JuliaM said...

Welcome back!