An Oath of Allegiance for our Modern Society

So, our esteemed LeaDUHship have decided schoolkids are to learn national pride, patriotism and citizenship, by swearing an Oath of Allegiance to HM The Queen.

Well, I for one think this is a fantastic idea - right up there with the Hindenburg and the Sinclair C5.

So, in this new spirit of patriotic co-operation, I've taken the trouble to design a NEW Oath of Allegiance revised and updated to meet modern educational and cultural standards, and to reflect the lives of many of our youth these days.

The Oaf of Ingerland

I, Tyler Brookyn Chav, do sware Alleej Aliyaaj al - 2 b real to the Queen. Respec, innit. But I ain't sure about the jug-eared freak.

I promiss 2 b proud of Brittan n 2 support the Ingland football team. I will sho my citizenship at all internationals by takin my shirt off n singin "2 World Wars and One World Cup", no matter who we r playin.

I will respec the culchur of Ingland - like Big Bruva n X-factor, innit. But not old stuff, coz its shit.

I will b real to the peeps in town and that, like when me y my m8s r hanging round the bus stop we won't chuck fings at them. Except that old c*%t from No. 42 coz he called the Plod just coz we was jumping on his car n that n he's probly a pedo anyway.

I wil b proud ov my commoo comyu comenit town an show respec so wil try an not spew all over the garden of the old folks home, or drop my chips when I'm givin Britney Chavette one up the arse in the kiddies playground.

All this I sware, on my bottle of White Lightning and in the sure n certain hope of a benefits giro when I leave school.

There - a thoroughly modern and relevant Oath Of Allegiance for today's Youth. I commend this Bill to the House.