Newly-elected Prime Minister David Cameron has today announced 'a new and radical approach' for his new Government to face the challenges of a wholly new political landscape following the unexpected success of the Conservatives in Thursday's General Election.
Mr Cameron, who was returned to Downing Street with a majority of 12 and a 100-seat advantage over the Labour Party, spoke of the need to 'finish the job' he had started in Coalition with the Liberal Democrats in 2010.
Mr Cameron said, "it's vital that we act in good faith to address the issues raised from this General Election. We have seen an unprecedented result from Scotland in the rise of the Scottish National Party, and it is right that we acknowledge that and find a way to address their legitimate issues going forward. But that is not the only issue that this Government must continue to work on. Unemployment is still an important challenge, and this is especially true in two key areas - Scotland and the Labour Party. This administration will make it an absolute priority to deal with both."
Speaking movingly of his admiration for Herbert Hoover's 'New Deal', which brought America out of the Great Depression in the 1930s, Mr Cummberbund said, "we need major infrastructure projects to create employment, to help Scotland and England at the same time. It is vital that we act now to build momentum, and I am pleased to announce that my Employment Plan for Scotland will be starting immediately."
Under the terms of the Employment Plan, all former Labour and Liberal Democrat MPs, now unemployed, will be moved to new taxpayer-funded accomodation in Scotland, where they will be engaged on a new project to chisel through the Earth's crust just south of Gretna. Project finance will be handed by Ed Balls, and consultations are under way to appoint Owen Jones and Laurie Penny as on-site Public Relations Officers.
Mr Cameron said, "This is a major project but one that will both resolve the Labour unemployment crisis and answer the wishes of the Scottish people. Upon completion, the newly-separated Scotland will simply float away, granting the jocks their independence without a third-world Socialist country attached to us and, at the same time, get rid of a bunch of lefties. Good stuff."
Anyone suffering from uncontrollable wailing and gnashing of teeth as a result of the election of a Conservative Government is invited to join the project team, and will be guaranteed a place.
Reports that Russell Brand has been engaged to entertain the workforce remain unconfirmed.
Ed Miliband was unavailable for comment.