In the headlines today, statistics announced by Government show that the Government is the most awesome in living memory. Quality of life has been shown to have improved in every measurable sense.
A spokesman for the Government said, "this is proof that our policies are working and that under this Government life for all will continue to improve.
The statistics themselves have not been released as they have been deemed not in the public interest. A leaked version of the report indicated that █████████████ ██████████*. Government sources have insisted that the statistics are true and valid. In a related development, reports by various charities and independent bodies purporting to contradict the Government statistics have been blocked from publication by the Statutory Regulator. Details of the subsequent prosecutions are expected in the coming days.
The recent alleged scandal involving MP's expenses has been resolved, according to the Parliamentary Standards Committee, after it was deemed that there were no cases to answer.
The Committee confirmed that no rules were broken by MP's in the conduct of their expenses claims and to avoid further misunderstandings, expense claim details would no longer be published. The Committee also reminded the Press of their obligations under the Leveson Rules not to publish anything that had not been approved for publication by the Statutory Regulator.
A man is to appear in court today charged with offences under the Communication Act, after he published material critical of Government policy despite warnings from the Statutory Regulator.
Mr F Nelson, editor of seditious magazine 'The Spectator', faces charges relating to assertions he made in a leader article that the Government was █████████████ ██████████*. The Judge in the case has warned Nelson he faces a lengthy custodial sentence in view of his historic opposition to the Statutory Regulator and its enforcement of a totally free and open Press.
The recent arrest of a political figure in connection with child sexual offences has been made subject to a D-Notice by the Statutory Regulator. The Regulator has confirmed that publishing details relating to this matter would not be in the public interest. The political figure has since returned to work. The Regulator reminds all those involved in the UK's totally free and open Press that attempts to publish details of this or any other political figure allegedly involved in molesting children would breach the Free Press Act 2012.
Culture, Media and Arts
Polly Toynbee of state-owned newspaper Pravda has been awarded the Orwell Prize for Political Journalism. Judges from the Statutory Regulator deemed her piece on the improvement in national quality-of-life since the creation of the Regulator as 'one of the finest pieces of political journalism in our lifetimes, showing why the UK's free and open Press is the best in the world'.
*This content redacted on the instructions of the Statutory Regulator: making the UK's free and open Press the best in the world.