'Quantum of Correctness'

To salve the outrageous conscience of Mr Finlo Rohrer, I'd like to present my screenplay for a new, PC Bond for the 21st Century.

James Bond 007 in 'Quantum of Correctness'

James Bond, 007 (License to Resolve things in a non-threatening and egalitarian manner), discovers a dastardly plot by George W Globaliser to increase carbon emissions at his factory, thereby risking the endangered freshwater newts in a nearby pond.

Q-Branch issue Bond with his latest gadgets, including a G-Wiz with a tuned battery capable of 35mph and super-secret solar panel technology and special sandals made of recycled hemp.

Bond is aided in his attempts to save the world by the feminist environmental activist Pussy Nonever, and Bond is entranced by her charm. To woo her, he makes her his trademark elderflower and mineral-water cocktail, before sweeping her to the night of her life - a group Yoga session on Hampstead Heath.

Acting with no regard for his own safety, Bond organises a meeting with Globaliser, reminding him of his responsibilities under the Kyoto Accords, but he's rejected by the evil Globaliser and attacked by Globaliser's henchmen.

Bond deals quickly with the henchmen, inviting them to take part in a joint counselling session to explore the reasons for their propensity to violence, before disabling them with a therapeutic Reiki massage.

Escaping his captors, Bond confronts Globaliser, and the two settle their differences 'mano a mano' over an organic Vente Latte, before reaching an agreement to reduce CO2 emissions with the help of an EU monitoring team.

Bond drives off into the sunset in his G-Wiz, charged from renewable sources, and enters into a civil partnership with Pussy Nonever at Vauxhall Cross Registry Office, witnessed by M.

And they all live happily ever after.

Yeah, I'd want to see that. Er....perhaps not.