Blair Standing For Second Presidency

Beeblebrox: 'a strong contender against Blair'.

Following the revelation that his planned ascension to the Presidency of Europe is likely to fail, former Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced his intention to stand as a candidate for a further Presidency.

A source close to the ex-PM said that while the continent-wide antipathy toward his European candidacy for a position that doesn't even exist yet was 'upsetting', Mr Blair still felt that he had 'a lot to offer' the world as a political leader.

Speaking from his secret lair campaign headquarters inside a hollowed-out volcano, Mr Blair spoke exclusively to The Diary of his intention to stand for the position of President of the Galaxy, once faster-than-light travel is finally invented.

"It's the logical career progression for a venerated Statesman such as myself", Mr Blair said. "Now obviously, with the Lisbon Treaty yet to be ratified, I have been campaigning for a vacancy that didn't exist, and of course it is the same with the Presidency of the Galaxy. But I'm confident that with my assistance and support, science can make the necessary leaps to discover intergalactic travel - and once they do, then I will stand as the Presidential Candidate. I certainly have all the skills required of such a position".

The former PM pointed to his history of successful governance of the UK, and his successful mediation of the Middle-East crisis, as reasons why he should rule the Universe before being interrupted by a call from his mentor at Megalomaniacs Anonymous.

Political pundits have pointed out that Mr Blair is likely to face stiff competition for his Presidential place. Paul Votecounter, a spokesman for politicalbetting.com, said, "there are a number of valid candidates who would make Blair's candidacy far from guaranteed. These include the incumbent, Zaphod Beeblebrox, Ming the Merciless for the Lib Dems, and a strong showing for Davros, who's planning on 'exterminating' the opposition for the BNP.

"When allied to the fact that we can barely escape the gravity-well of this planet, we are currently giving Tony Blair odds of 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000:1 to take the Presidency."

However, there was a more positive respose from European political leaders, who have all volunteered to fund a space project to shove an Ariane rocket up Blair's arse and fire the grinning fool into orbit.

El Presidente and the Millipede

Blair Presidency; "my chance to screw up not just a country, but a whole continent".

I heard something absolutely hilarious on the Today Program this morning. You're gonna love this.

Obviously we had the usual the assumptions from all parties now that the Lisbon Treaty is full-steam-ahead for ratification.

Then, amusingly enough, there were the speculations about the likelihood of nomination for El Presidente Blair. Well, I can see why he might be in the frame. Many have committed war-crimes over the years in an attempt to unify Europe or parts thereof, so it would seem logical that once the Lisbon Treaty is ratified and we're all part of the United States of Europe, we should have a war-criminal as the leader. Simples.

Many pundits and sources feel he's unlikely to get the Presidency - there's reportedly a groundswell of opinion against him among smaller nations, and on top of that the Germans, French and Spanish are either opposed or, in the case of Angela Merkel, volubly and expressively silent on the matter of his candidacy. Vengeance for his stance on Iraq and his repeated fellating of President Shrub? One hopes so.

That said, he's probably screwed anyway. Firstly, he's reportedly receiving the backing of Gollum. And as we all know, from football teams to finance houses, if Gordon gives you his support that's you completely, utterly and royally buggered - normally in an interesting and unexpected manner.

Secondly, it's being reported that he's being backed by Silvio 'I am not a crook' Berlusconi, Which is rather like being proposed for a bank-managers' job by Ronnie Biggs. One wonders if Tessa Jowell had any input on that. Or perhaps there are incriminating recordings of an intimate tryst between Mr Berlusconi and Cherie the Wide-Mouth Frog?

Thirdly and most critically, the leaders of the EU nations have eyes in their heads and brains in their skulls. They can see what's happened in the UK under a 'New Labour' approach. I would very much doubt that the nations of Europe wish to see the entire continent treated to a tax-and-spend spinfest to the tune of 'Things Can Only Get Better'.

But, dear Reader, that wasn't the really funny part. While all this speculation about the arch-grinner's Ascension is diverting, the punchline was yet to come.

David Millipede in the frame for the EU Foreign Minister's job.

Yep - David Millipede.

Of course, you'll remember that his hard-line negotiation led to. . . er. . . um. . . Well, then there was his speech on . . . let me think. . . er . . . And his decisive actions in respect of. . . .um . . . I suppose he did sterling work for the banana industry.

In all seriousness, Millipede? The man has all the statesmanship, presence and gravitas of Jimmy Fucking Krankie. Henry Kissinger he ain't.

But in truth, if Millipede buggers off to Brussels it's a good thing for this country, so that leads me to a small suggestion.

We should positively promote The Ex-Dishonourable T. Bliar for the EU Presidency. Give 'em Tony and Millipede - and as a sweetener to the deal we'll throw in Gollum as EU Finance Minister. You can even have Eyebrows, Blakey and Blinky as EU Court Jesters.

Then we'll withdraw from the EU, and the foreigners can have eleventy-million quarters of unprecedented economic growth followed by stagnation, recession and bankruptcy. See how they like it.

The One-Eyed Scottish Moron

Well, it's now pretty clear that Gollum and Eyebrows were absolutely right, and Britain was uniquely-placed to face the longest Recession on record.

Specifically, we were uniquely badly placed, as I think we can all now see.

So in these straitened and troubled times, I'd like to offer a spot of humour, by way of one of my favourite performance poems. Unfortunately, I couldn't make my version humorous, as there's nothing in this Nation's finances to smile about.

Enjoy the video.

There's a one-eyed Scottish moron
Claims dominion over you,
From his bunker in the centre of the town;
And a brokenhearted Britain,
Mourns the nation we once knew
As the Labour Party brings this country down.

And the ZanuLiebore crew,
Taxed us all far more than due,
And performed more ills than I'm inclined to tell,
For their military pranks,
They are hated in the ranks,
And a laughing-stock throughout the world as well.

Some of us knew all along,
That New Labour would do wrong,
And a sad return to dark days would befall,
But we hadn't counted on,
When the Bliar was finally gone,
Was the moron and his mates - Straw, Hoon and Balls.

So returning to the present,
Government without a clue,
And the moron's mad behaviour, strange and odd,
We all know it's just a pretence,
And they don't know what to do,
So it's further into bankruptcy we plod.

Now the people are forlorn
Wallets empty, hope stillborn,
As recession drives us deeper in the red,
We could fix it straight away,
If the Tories had their day,
But more Labour slaughter,
Still remains ahead.

There's a one-eyed Scottish moron
Claims dominion over you,
From his bunker in the centre of the town;
And a brokenhearted Britain,
Mourns the nation we once knew
As the Labour Party brings this country down.

Children of Britain!

"...hardly a week passed by in which The Times did not carry a paragraph describing how some eavesdropping little sneak - 'child hero' was the phrase generally used - had overheard some compromsing remark and denounced its parents to the Thought Police." 1984, George Orwell.

Children of Britain! Adults are evil.

They are not allowed to supervise you at play. They are adults, therefore they are paedophiles.

They are responsible for the destruction of the planet. They are adults, therefore they are planet-killers.

They make the rules that stifle the personal expression of young people. They are adults, therefore they are dictators.

Children of Britain! Adults are evil creatures who cannot be trusted to look after your own best interests. Labour loves you. Labour cares.

Labour make sure that your time in Reception-class is not wasted with reading and writing, but instead learning what food has too much salt in so you can educate your parents*.

Labour make sure that your Reception reading books have no words in so that your imagination can run free and unfettered by nasty things like literacy*.

Labour make sure that you can rob people's houses and, if the nasty adults defend themselves and their property, THEY go to jail.

Labour make sure that you have a nice benefits system so that you can breed at will and be paid for it. And the teachers will help your friends to do the same.

Labour and her friends make sure that there's plenty of celebrity news on telly, so that you don't have to bother your heads with independent thought.

Children of Britain! Do not trust grownups. Grownups don't care for you like Labour does.

Watch the grownups around you, and report their crimes whenever you can.

Children of Britain! Love Labour. Join the Junior Spies today.

*These actually happened with Dungeekin Minor. Parents' Evening is next week and yes, it is going to be interesting.

MPs Allowances: A Load of Barracks

"Welcome to Westminster. Here's your bunk".

We're currently being treated to the marvelous sight of MPs wailing, wringing their teeth and gnashing their hands at the prospect of their troughing being limited somewhat. And, of course, it's all just an act.

Legg wants to ban spouses working for their MP husbands, or offspring being given juicy little researching jobs by Daddy or Mummy. Good soundbite - but we know it can't work because firstly it would be discriminatory, and secondly these experts in loophole-discovery will simply cross-employ to keep the cash in the family.

Kelly wants MPs no longer to have the right to claim mortgage interest, but instead to be made to rent their second homes. Good soundbite - but we know it won't work because of a little thing called 'Buy-To-Let'. MP #1 buys a property, lets it to MP #2, who claims the rental back. Meanwhile, MP #2 buys a property, and lets it to MP #1. Who claims the rental back. Two mortgages paid, two properties owned, two little piggies with snouts still in the trough and a placated populace. Simples.

The sad fact is, all this hair-shirt wearing, all these enquiries and announcements are simply the preparatory steps in organising yet another inflation-busting salary increase for our glorious leaders.

Well, I have a small suggestion - a solution to the vexed question of MP's accommodation.

MPs are (supposedly) public servants. And while I appreciate that a majority do need somewhere to stay in London, as public servants they should be required to adhere to the same rules as other public servants.

Barracks.

When servicemen are stationed in the UK, they reside in barracks. They don't have to do so - they can stay wheresoever they choose - but if they want to live somewhere outside the military fences, they do so out of their own pocket. I was based in barracks when I was in Scotland, and also in Northwood. It's the way the military works - and it makes sense for MPs.

We are currently spending an astronomical sum of money building the Olympic Village to house athletes, coaches and various hangers-on in 2012. That means that after the Games we will have a nicely-contained area with plenty of accommodation available for use. It will already have been built with the coin of the public purse, and given the international nature of the sporting event it was built for will have good communication links. It will have excellent public transport, and because it's a single location will be easier and cheaper to secure and patrol than numerous private residences.

A self-contained accommodation complex for MPs with good communications links, meeting areas, plenty of car parking, canteen facilities and everything else the genuine public servant needs, all within a short Tube journey of Westminster.

So - save the long-running inquiries into what should be claimed, what's allowable and how it can be massaged into the Member's wallet. You want to be an MP? You get a healthy salary, and when in London you can stay in barracks. If you don't want to, you don't have to - but you pay for your alternative accommodation out of your own pocket. You know, like a normal person.

Use the Olympic Village as the Parliamentary Crashpad. You know it makes sense*.


*Plus, if you stick 'em all in one place I'll know exactly where to put the tactical nuclear warhead.

What's Mine, Isn't.

A Council Officer enforcing the Recycling laws.

I always thought that burglary was a simple thing. Some shell-suited, fake-Burberry-wearing Chav scrote kicks in your door, helps himself to your TV, DVD player and valuables, takes a shit on your living-room rug and heads out. Simples. Of course, in recent years I've also known that when you get burgled you're supposed to help the chav scrote carry your stuff out to his Saxo before you can get a crime number from Plod and start the interminable argument with your insurers.

But the point is that I'd always thought that burglary was illegal. That is, it was Against The Law.

Clearly, I was wrong. Burglary is now the domain of the State, I'm delighted to report.

The right to search homes, seize cash, freeze bank accounts and confiscate property will be given to town hall officials and civilian investigators employed by organisations as diverse as Royal Mail, the Rural Payments Agency and Transport for London. The Proceeds of Crime act will now be used against fare dodgers, families in arrears with council tax and other 'minor offenders'.

Oh, lovely. So forget about the shell-suited chav - now all it will take is a mustachioed council Jobsworth with a clipboard and dubious social skills to leave your house empty.

Imagine, dear Reader. Given that once they were given the right, Councils used anti-terror laws to monitor bin collections, school catchment areas and even teenage smokers, just how do you imagine the local officious brigade will implement their newly-garnered rights?

Got a parking ticket? We'll have your car, you evil miscreant. Oh dear, your Council Tax payment's a month late. That'll cost you your telly and your next years' wages, thanks very much. And God help you if you put the wrong plastic in your recycling bin. because we'll repossess your wife and sell her into white slavery, mortgage your children on the internet and flog the family dog to an environmentally-friendly sausage factory. You're a criminal, you deserve it.

The only upside I can see is that it's unlikely the Council Official will crap on your carpet.

In one stroke, this legislation effectively nationalises property. You no longer own the goods you purchased with the sweat from your brow - you merely borrow them from the State, and they will now have the right to remove those goods, legally and at a whim, on the flimsiest of premises.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "well, OK, this is awful law, yet again trampling on the rights of ordinary hard-working citizens and lumping them, yet again, in with criminals. But it's alright, we only have to wait until the General Election and the Conservatives will repeal it". Right?

Wrong, I'm afraid. Not a bit of it.

Remember, the country (and thus the Government) is skint. They've run up a level of debt beyond all comprehension. They don't have money, and they can't tax us any more than they already are. So they need some way to get their hands on what little we have remaining.

By using dubious laws to seize our personal property, the State achieves a triple whammy. One, they nick your stuff and flog it, raising immediate cash. Two, the proceeds can be used by the councils to supplement their budgets, meaning the Government has to give them less. Thirdly (and this is the sheer genius) YOU have to buy a replacement for whatever they've yaffled. Which puts money into circulation in the economy and allows the Government to point to recovery.

Sheer genius. Well done, chaps. Even at my most eloquent, I cannot find the words to elucidate just how much I fucking hate you.

X-Factor 'Stars' Announce New Contract

Harpic's latest design of toilet brush.

X-Factor contestants John and Edward have signed a new advertising contract, it was announced today.

John and Edward Grimes, the nineteen-year-old twins who have entertained X-Factor audiences with their unprecedented lack of talent, have officially signed as the new faces of Harpic, and will be involved the the promotion of a new line of toilet products.

A spokesman for Harpic said, "John and Edward have shown that they are the ideal people to front our new campaign. It's not that they have the dance skills of John Sergeant and the musical talent of a disgruntled wildebeest - it's their hair. Who can say that they haven't watched these two, with their stupid reedy voices and their stupid disjointed 'dance' moves and their stupid 80's-reject fluorescent suits, without wanting to shove their heads down the nearest WC?

"Our scientists have analysed the haircuts of the twins and have established that their coiffures will remove all bacteria and limescale even right below the waterline."

Harpic's new product, the 'J&E Brush', will differ from normal toilet products in that it will be purely online. Consumers will register their details with Harpic and, at a cost of £29.99 per quarter, will receive a fortnightly visit from either John or Edward, at which point they will be able to shove the talentless cretin's head firmly into their bog bowl. Flushes will be limited to a maximum of five or the drowing of the wannabe, whichever comes first.

A source for Harpic confirmed that Simon Cowell has already booked both John and Edward for lengthy bog-washes every day for the next five years.

Eat Your Greens

Save the World! Eat meat....or not...or something.

Oh, for the love of all that's holy. . . .

We now have the worthy Lord Stern, sternly telling us that we must become vegan for the good of the planet. Oooookaay... Would you greenies PLEASE get your stories straight?

While his nobleness is instructing us to go vegan for Gaia, wasn't it just a couple of days ago that some other tree-hugging enviro-whackjob was telling us to get pets we can eat, because Rover's worse than a Range Rover?

Yep. That they were.

It's hardly pushing a consistent message, is it? If both articles are true, then eating meat is both good and bad for the planet. Personally, given that you lot are clearly so utterly addled from protein deficiency you can't make any sense, I'll play it safe and carry on eating bacon sandwiches and the odd steak, thanks.

His Lordship neatly links eating meat with drink-driving. Bonus points for the emotive linking of issues, there, I thought. So, by that logic, me eating a hamburger is roughly equivalent to downing ten pints then mowing down a bus-stop's worth of pensioners? If I may hazard a guess, I'd say that the veggies Lord Stern chows down on contain rather too much THC for rational thought.

And that, dear Reader, is the problem with the environmental debate.

This debate isn't about rational science, because rational scientists are divided about causes, effects and solutions to a problem that may or may not be happening. Instead, it's become a politcal toy, a divisive issue that is more about dogma than dogs, more credo than carbon.

Lord Stern is a vegetarian, and therefore by definition mad. So he uses the climate question to further his own agenda of having the entire population subsist solely on cabbage. Robert and Brenda Vale simply don't like pets - perhaps their parents wouldn't let them have a gerbil, or something - so they use the climate question to further their own dislike of animal ownership.

Well, I've been doing my own research.

I have discovered that environmental campaigners produce gaseous emissions in proportions far greater than the average beef cow. In fact, an analysis of Lord Stern shows that he alone produces more damaging wind than the entire Virgin fleet of 747s. So, really, there's only one solution.

I am calling for environmental campaigners to become as socially-unacceptable as wife-beaters (there, do you see how easy the emotive link is?). And I think the best way to solve all the crises of the planet is to kill and eat anyone who bleats on about lowering carbon emissions, getting rid of airliners, or taxing whatever it is they don't agree with in the name of the environment.

In a stroke, we'd reduce the amount of noxious, damaging hot air being pumped into the atmosphere. We'd save the forests, because we'd get rid of the reams of paper spouting pointless, scienceless opinions about 'climate change'. We'd even make an impact into the food crisis, because getting rid of this lot would not only provide meat, but allow us all to eat the salad they'd have as a main course as a side to our sirloin.

And most importantly, it would ensure that they shut the fuck up.

I commend the idea to the House.

If Mine Speech Offends Thee. . . .

I would like, if I may, to ponder a little on the vexatious subject of Freedom of Speech*. Because I think I have finally found a solution.

As we all know, this issue has been front of many minds in recent weeks, from the great minds of the Blogosphere to the lesser ones of the Government and BBC and, of course, the tiny ones of the BNP and UAF. All have their own view on what constitutes freedom of speech, and where the 'limits' on such a freedom should be. What's interesting is how many of those involved are completely unable to see the irony inherent in their own positions.

The UAF, for example, throw tantrums, scream and smash things up, calling that the BNP should not have a platform, should be banned, should not be able to speak or debate their (stupid, bigoted and abhorrent) position. They say 'freedom of speech should be denied to Nazis'. The BNP and others rail against the (vile) speeches of Islamic fundamentalists. They say, "freedom of speech should be denied to religious extremists". The Guardianistas fall over in a swoon at Jimmy Carr's (tasteless) 'joke', and say, "he should not be allowed to say such things!".

Yet what they actually mean - and what all those who claim that there are things you cannot say actually mean - is this:

"Freedom of Speech should be denied to those who disagree with us".

It used to be that the limit on Freedom of Speech was the incitement of violence. That was quickly superseded by the somewhat more nebulous concept of 'inciting hatred'. Now it seems that has morphed again into a call for capital punishment against all those who cause offence.

The problem is, though, that almost everyone offends someone. Whatever your theory, whatever your position, however you say it, you'll offend someone. Gordon Brown, for example, offends me. I have managed to offend the BNP, the UAF, the Government and Islam in the space of just four days.

Jeremy Clarkson offends lorry drivers, prostitutes, feminists and eco-warriors. These same Greenies offend anyone who believes in proper scientific methods, who in turn offend Creationists, who in their turn offend the sane. Jan Moir offends homosexuals, who offend Christians, who offend Muslims, who offend the BNP, who offend the UAF. Jimmy Carr offends the Olympic Committee and, probably, the legless. Simon Cowell offends everyone.

It's never-ending - an eternal, unbroken circle of pissed-offedness. The only person who never offends anyone is Nick Clegg, and that's because he never says or does anything and nobody knows who he is.** It's clear to me now that with hard work, determination and creativity absolutely anyone can be offended by absolutely anything.

There is, quite clearly, only one solution. Ban speech.

Ban expression in all forms and formats.*** It is only by breaking the continual cycle of communication with others that we will reach the Nirvana of nobody ever being offended by anyone ever again, and we will all live happily ever after. Or something.

Politics and religion will never again be able to sully your ears and divide your communities. People would no longer be polarised by opinion, nothing divisive would ever be said, written or printed. Disagreement and argument would simply disappear. Mankind would live together as one, united in silence, never offending another soul.

Of course - you would lose the ability to love or to express joy. Laughter would be a thing of the past too, because the subject of your laughter may be someone else's misfortune. Forget controlling your children, or having a voice in the running of your country, or taking part in events that shape your life. But that's a small price to pay, really. After all, it's worth it if nobody is ever offended, ever again.

Isn't it?

Sorry if that caused offence.


* I am using the term 'speech' to encompass all forms of communication, written or spoken - just in case anyone is offended by my apparent discrimination against the spoken word.
**Now I think of it, that offends me.
***I would have suggested limiting human interaction to conversations about the weather, but my research indicates that most of Southern England was offended by Michael Fish's weather forecast in 1987, so that's out too.

Enlightening. Or Not.

I would dearly love to meet the individual who one day thought, "you know what? It would be a great idea to move the clocks back and forward an hour at an arbitrarily-designated point. That would be neato!". And I hope that when I meet this individual, I'm heavily armed.

The clueless imbecile who postulated this clearly owned neither children nor dogs when s/he/it came up with what no doubt seemed like a fantastic wheeze over a pint or thirteen of mead.

Both The Dog and The Boy wake up when it gets light. Which means they wake up an hour earlier. Which means the clock-change isn't an extra hour in bed, it's getting up an hour earlier. And remaining awake an hour longer. Which means I feel lagged, tired, blurry and borderline homicidal (or rather, more homicidal than normal).

I've heard all the reasons and excuses why this anachronism, this festering pustule on the bottom of commonsense remains in place, the best of which was that it's safer to have an extra hour of daylight in the morning as there's less risk of injury to schoolchildren when they're walking to school in the morning. What? What form of insanity is this? No parent in this country dares allow their children to walk to school any more, as we all know that if they did they'd instantly be ravished, murdered and probably eaten by gangs of roving paedophiles. So forget that one.

Another one is that it gives British farmers an extra hour of light. Why? So they can have an extra glorious hour watching the fields that aren't growing anything because of CAP subsidies? I could perhaps understand it being constituted back in the Middle Ages, when the entire population were growing their own dung, but not now when anyone who DID work in agriculture is now either running a theme park, working in a call-centre or Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall. And I don't see why everyone should suffer just because of him.

Or perhaps it's for the Scots, as they're virtually in the Arctic Circle. Well, I say tough. Having been in Ullapool in June, it's light until almost bloody midnight so the Jocks get more than their fair share of daylight. If we give them any more they'll just blow it on McEwans and deep-fried Mars Bars anyway.

Most normal people in this country work normal hours between a span of 0800 and 1800. For most people it would be infinitely preferable to have a bit of light remaining in the evening, and the feeling that you have some daylight to yourself, yet instead we still have an outdated timechange that serves absolutely nobody except a small minority that can't even clearly be defined.

Give me my daylight back, you bastards. Or I shall be forced to illuminate my world by setting anyone even remotely connected to the concept of British Summertime on fire.

Yes, it's Monday. And yes, I'm grumpy. Why do you ask?

Mine Eyes Have Seen. . . .

With news of the longest, deepest Recession since records began - all thanks to our Dear Leader and his eleventy-million consecutive quarters of massaged figures and dishonest 'unprecedented growth', I think it's time for a hymn. After all, pretty much all we have left now is prayer.

Mine eyes have seen the damage of the leadership of Gord,
He has left the country crippled with a debt we can't afford,
Thanks to him our country's managed by an unelected Lord,
And he just keeps droning on.
Boring, boring what a loser! Boring, boring what a loser,
Boring, boring what a loser! He just keeps droning on.

Why he chose to sell the gold off is beyond the wit of man,
He's taxed populace and companies for every cent he can,
Yet despite this our economy has slithered down the pan,
Recession dragging on!
Boring, boring what a loser! Boring, boring what a loser,
Boring, boring what a loser! Recession dragging on.

With his scruffy look and wonky jaw he hardly looks ideal.
We can safely say that Bernard Manning had more sex appeal,
And his speeches are delusional, dishonest and surreal,
And he just keeps blundering on.
Boring, boring what a loser! Boring, boring what a loser,
Boring, boring what a loser! He just keeps blundering on.

In this darkest of recessions he still can't admit defeat,
Won't admit that his decisions have destroyed the balance sheet,
So he'll "get on with the job" until we chuck him on the street,
The public want him gone!
Boring, boring what a loser! Boring, boring what a loser,
Boring, boring what a loser! The public want him gone.

He has made himself a laughing stock both here and 'cross the sea,
And his sorry lack of statesmanship reflects on you and me:
And we pray for an election so we'll finally be free;
From Gord still droning on.
Boring, boring what a loser! Boring, boring what a loser,
Boring, boring what a loser! He just keeps droning on.

Anglican Priests Meet to Discuss Vatican Move

Pope: "that last altar-boy was hard work, I'm sweating like Michael Jackson in a middle school"

Around 600 Church of England priests are meeting today to discuss Pope Benedict XVI's offer to make it easier for disaffected Anglican clergy to convert to Roman Catholicism.

On Tuesday, the Vatican said the Pope had approved a document known as the Apostolic Constitution, to accept Anglican priests who feel their own Church has over-modernised to join Catholicism and maintain their old traditions.

The meeting, led by the Anglican Way Forward organisation, is expected to recommend that its members, all from the conservative fringe of Anglicanism, accept the Papal offer. A spokesman for Way Forward said, "this opportunity is one not to be missed. Converting to Rome will free conservative Anglicans from the pernicious influence of women, and the Apostolic Constitution will allow us to blend our traditions of catamites and paederasty with similar Catholic traditions".

The news comes after months of bipartisan talks to establish an Altar-Boy-Sharing Agreement between the two primary branches of Christianity, and the Constitution heralds the first steps towards both churches adopting the Book Of Common Paedophilia as a core text.

A Vatican spokesman welcomed the announcement, saying, "the Apostolic Constitution is a huge forward step in relations between Anglicanism and Catholicism. We look forward to welcoming our fellow members of the clergy into our Church, and no doubt our congregation are looking forward to the new clergy welcoming themselves into their children".

Sarah Brown Splits from PM

Sarah: "If he'd fucked me as much as the economy, I'd be smiling"

Prime Mincer Gollum Brown is to be divorced by his wife of nine years, Sarah, it was announced today.

A spokesman for Sarah Brown said, "Sarah has regretfully announced that she and Gordon are to part on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. She is hopeful that the split can remain amicable, and wishes it to be known she will not be suing for custody of Downing Street".

The first seeds of doubt about the Brown's relationship were planted at their wedding ceremony, when it took the then-Chancellor three months, two specially-appointed Presbyterian Ministers, seven focus groups and a Commission of Enquiry to reach the answer, "I do.".

However, the final straw reportedly came today, when a tearful Mrs Brown fled Downing Street following news that GDP had fallen again for the sixth successive quarter, against the Prime Mincer's projections.

Mrs Brown reportedly filed for divorce immediately upon hearing the news, saying, "when Gordon told me he could screw it longer, deeper and harder than any man in history, I didn't realise he meant the economy."

Mr Brown has not commented, and is being comforted in his private quarters by Peter Mandelson.

'Unite Against Fascism' To End Campaign

Mong: "by banning hate speech we ban ourselves".

Pressure group Unite Against Fascism, who have been instrumental in organising angry protests against the British National Party, have today announced that they are ceasing operations with immediate effect.

The surprise announcement comes in the wake of yesterday's protests at BBC Broadcasting House in London, when around 200 UAF demonstrators clashed with police in an attempt to stop British NaziNational Party leader Nick Von Griffin from making an unmitigated twat of himself on Question Time.

UAF spokesman Martin Mong said, "unfortunately we see no option other than to end our campaign. Firstly, last night's Question Time showed that Von Griffin is more than capable of screwing up his Party's chances without our protests.

"Secondly - and more importantly - UAF as an organisation is committed to combating the spread of hate and hate speech in Great Britain. Because of this we hate the BNP, and call for the BNP to be banned. We talk incessantly about just how much we hate the BNP. Therefore, we ourselves are guilty of hate speech, and thus would need to campaign against ourselves, and call for our hate speech also to be banned."

Mr Mong added, "as a result of this existential crisis, we are reluctantly forced to cease operations in the face of overwhelming irony".

Tight Security at BBC Following Angry Protests

"The public must be protected from the hateful sight of Cowell".

BBC Broadcasting House remains under tight security today following a series of scuffles between protesters and police outside the gates yesterday.

Around 200 angry protesters surrounded the BBC's main gates in Wood Lane, with their numbers increasing during the late afternoon and evening. During ugly scenes, approximately 25 demonstrators managed to break through the Police cordon and enter BBC premises. Six people were arrested, but there have been no reports of charges as yet.

The protests were in response to the BBC's controversial decision to screen 'Strictly Come Dancing' at the earlier time of 6:50 on Saturdays.

Martin Mong, spokesman for Unite Against X-Factor, who organised the demonstration, said, "this is a disgusting, cowardly act by the BBC. They are hiding behind ratings and in doing so are exposing the people of Britain to the hateful sight of Simon Cowell and his parade of dancing gimps. The management of the BBC should hang their heads in shame at their actions".

Asked if the protests had not simply provided more publicity to the X-Factor, Mr Mong added that any action was legitimate in protest, even it it was the same sort of activity that those they despise would use.

A spokesman for the BBC defended the decision, and said that under the circumstances it was the correct action to take.

Racist Loopy Nuts Are We

As the Chief Fascist Fucknut is having his undeserved 15 minutes of fame on Question Time tonight, I thought the British NaziNational Party were overdue another song.

CHORUS
Racist loopy nuts are we,
Members of the BNP,
We'll tell you what we will do,
If we ever get power over you

Gonna send 'em all back!
If they're yellow or brown or Jews or black,
Racist loopy nuts are we,
Members of the BNP

Now we are all as you all know,
A bunch of right-wing fruits,
Poorly bred and thick in head,
Proud of our 'English roots',
But truth be told we're a bunch of tools,
Evolutionary sub-primal,
And we're not fit to lick the bowl,
Of the local pub's urinal.

Our Leader Nick, the years he spent,
Learning Hitler's loathsome calls,
On Question Time you'll be bored stiff,
As he spouts his usual balls,
And we're amazed he ever, ever got,
An MP's seat in Brussels,
His only talent seems to be,
Fomenting racist troubles.

CHORUS
Racist loopy nuts are we,
Members of the BNP,
We'll tell you what we will do,
If we ever get power over you,

Gonna send 'em all back!
If they're yellow or brown or Jews or black,
Racist loopy nuts are we,
Members of the BNP

Now we say we're not racist goons,
But the public know we're wrong,
We scream of 'Reds under every bed',
When our ad campaigns go wrong,
And if we're banned from the main debate,
Then it won't stop us existing,
We'll carry on espousing hate,
Gagging us would be assisting.

If you want to see all our chances gone,
Show us to the public's eyes,
Argue fair and square, put us on the air,
And expose all of our lies,
When the light shines down on that Griffin clown,
He'll say something dumb and crass, it,
Will bring us down and show all around,
We're a nasty bunch of Fascists!

CHORUS
Racist loopy nuts are we,
Members of the BNP
We'll tell you what we will do,
If we ever get power over you

Gonna send 'em all back!
If they're yellow or brown or Jews or black,
Racist loopy nuts are we,
Members of the BNP

(Repeat until the public see you for the laughable racist protozoa you so clearly are).

PS: for those on Twitter - #thebnparetwats

BNP Leader Withdraws from Question Time Appearance

Griffin: arrested last night on Hampstead Heath

British National Party Leader Nick Griffin has sensationally withdrawn from his scheduled appearance on Question Time this evening, it has been announced.

A spokesman for the BNP explained that Mr Griffin was 'unwell' and would therefore not be in a position to attend the broadcast. He strongly denied rumours that Mr Griffin's real reason for pulling out was abject cowardice, inarticulacy, views that deserve him being strung up and the likelihood of there being 'darkies' in the audience who might say nasty things.

He also rejected assertions that Mr Griffin's withdrawal was related to his arrest on Hampstead Heath last night for lewd and lascivious conduct.

The spokesman said, "Unfortunately Nick has been taken ill with an upset tummy, and cannot make the show. He's really upset as he really wanted to debate, honest. It wasn't all just a publicity stunt. We know he's not faking as he's got a letter from his mum.

A BBC Question Time source expressed disappointment at Mr Griffin's decision, saying, "it is a shame that the BNP will not be able to debate their positions with normal homo sapiens and the Labour Party. What's more galling is we'd spent a fortune on the set - getting a pillory made and ordering in that much rotten fruit wasn't cheap".

Former VP Cheney Attacks 'Dithering' Obama

Former US Vice-President and noted member of the Undead, Dick Cheney, has launched a scathing attack on President Obama for his 'dithering' approach to the war in Afghanistan.

Cheney, 173, made his comments in a speech to the Warmongering Bastards Association in Bumfuck, Idaho, and claimed that Obama's refusal to make strategic decisions placed American interests in danger.

"The President's pinko policy in the Afghanistan is proof that he's a coward, not like me and George were", Mr Cheney railed before accidentally shooting a delegate in the face. "The only way to defeat the ragheads is lots of troops, lots of explosives and the Airbooooorne. After all, that approach has worked so well in the past, and it'll work in Afghanistan too.

Mr Cheney called for President Obama to "get tough and get to war", claiming, "there's only one way to deal with the towelheads. Round 'em up, put 'em in a field and bomb the bastards."

BNP to hold Multiculturalism Conference

The British National Party are to hold an open conference to discuss race and immigration in modern Britain, it was announced today.

The conference, titled 'A Final Solution to Multiculturalism' aims to investigate the truth behind immigration statistics and, according to the launch papers, to 'investigate the Immigration Question in depth'.

Launching the conference, BNP leader Nick Griffin said, "this is a tolerant conference from a tolerant, mainstream political party. We have several immigration specialists committed to speaking at various seminars throughout the event, including Jean Marie Le Pen, Jorg Haider, Klaus Barbie and John Demjanjuk, and we have been granted unfettered access to seminal works on this subject by Adolf Eichmann".

Griffin added, "we hope that this conference will show British voters that we are the party of the future, of cultural unity and of peaceful advancement, and that the ideas raised in this meeting will be the basis of our rise to Government and a thousand-year Rei...sorry, Prime Ministership" before goose-stepping off the platform surrounded by shaven-headed stormtroopers.

The Conference is to be held in a suburb of Berlin in January next year.

Greens Call for Pet Deaths to Save Planet

Climate change campaigners have called for all household pets to be drowned in a new campaign designed to reduce global carbon emissions.

The Government-supported campaign, which includes press and television adverts, is sponsored by the Carbon Usage Negation Trustee Society, a new environmental group posing radical solutions to the problems of global warming.

Society spokesman Trey Hugger said, "people don't yet realise the appalling impact of the average domesticated animal on the environment. For example, the carbon footprint of the average family Labrador is greater than that of twelve hundred Lesser-Spotted Amazonian Tree Frogs, and as such pets pose a clear and present danger to the future of our planet. Killing off household pets will save more CO2 than a million 747s, and probably save the rainforest too. Or something.

"While little Timmy may not like the idea of his beloved gerbil being flushed in the name of Gaea, I'm sure he will appreciate it when he's not the one floating as the sea levels rise past his bedroom window. The Society are also investigating the carbon footprint of the average child, but we're not sure that the world is ready for such an option as yet".

Mr Hugger added that the Society would be suggesting further methods of decimating the pet population over future weeks of the campaign, and strongly denied that his calculations were biased by the fact his mum hadn't let him have a hamster at age six.

The campaign has met with stiff resistance from PETA, the RSPCA and sane humans, who have pointed out that considerably more CO2 emissions savings could be made simply by drowning all environmental activists.

Brown: World has '50 Days to Save My Career'

Prime Minister Gollum Brown has called for drastic action from world leaders in the run-up to a UN-sponsored summit in December.

Brown warned the world that they have '50 days to save my career', and said that he faces a catastrophic future of tragic opinion polls, election defeats and global ignominy if world leaders don't come up with ways of convincing the world he isn't a bumbling, half-blind, gibbering loon with a grasp on reality that is tenuous at best.

Speaking from his private suite at St Aneuryn's Home for the Politically Wobbly, Mr Brown said, "In every era there are only one or two moments when nations come together and reach agreements that make history. If we do not reach a deal at this time, let us be in no doubt that once the damage from my political tenure is done, no global agreement can undo that damage".

Mr Brown added that he expected US President Barack Obama to lead an international campaign to save his Prime Ministership, with other nations following his example. The PM added, "I've sucked up enough, it's payback time".

Mr Obama was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy fondling his Nobel Prize.

President Obama Wins Turner Prize

Obama: "If he wins enough awards, he might actually DO something".

US President Barack Obama has been awarded the Turner Prize for Art, it was announced today.

The award comes hot on the heels of the shock announcement that President Obama had been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, and that he has also been shortlisted for the Booker Prize for Fiction, two Tony awards and a place on the US Ryder Cup team.

Speaking through an interpreter, Turner Prize committee member Brian Sewell said, "the Committee has this year adopted the same nominations approach as the Nobel Committee in Stockholm. That is, we have picked Obama even though he hasn't actually DONE anything yet, on the assumption that he might do something artistic in the future which might be quite good, so we should give it to him anyway. Also, by giving him the prize we feel that the President might actually get on with doing something".

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel welcomed the award on President Obama's behalf, but said that the President would be unable to attend the awards ceremony due to scheduling conflicts. He added, "unfortunately the President will not be able to receive the Turner Prize in person. On the day of the ceremony he is in Hollywood, where he will be accepting the Oscar for 'Best Actor In A Film Which Might One Day Be Made In Which He Might Act".

Government Announces 'CookieGate' Inquiry

Oreo Cookies - 'secretly supplied by the CIA'.

The Government has announced today that it is to hold a Public Inquiry to answer the 'urgent concerns' over Prime Minister Gollum Brown's taste in biscuits.

The shock move was announced today by Home Secretary Alan Johnson, who said, "this is clearly a matter of grave concern to the British people, and it is right that this Labour Government answer the question in the fullest of methods". The inquiry will aim to provide a definitive answer to the following questions:

• What biscuit is the Prime Minister's baked product of choice;
• Does the current economic situation have a bearing upon the PM's choice of biscuit;
• Has the UK Government secretly been benefiting from the supply of Oreo Cookies from the CIA, despite denials from MI5;
• Has the Prime Minister at any time consumed a Garibaldi biscuit, believed to be the preferred option of Osama Bin Laden and subject to US sanctions as part of the 'Axis of Cookie-Evil';

The Enquiry is to be chaired by Lord Butler, who previously chaired the Iraq inquiry, and according to the Home Secretary will have full and unfettered access to the information it needs. It will be able to call and question key witnesses, believed to include Sarah Brown and the tea-lady at Downing Street, and former UN Weapons Inspector Hans Blix has been drafted in to search the Cabinet Office for Wafers of Mass Destruction.

The Home Secretary added that it was 'still to be decided' whether the evidence of senior catering staff at Downing Street and other key Westminster buildings would be made public, citing national security concerns. However, this has already been challenged by Shami Chakrabarti of Liberty, who said, "the concealment of the Government's complicity in baked goods cannot go unchallenged. All information must go into the public domain, so that the British people can make their own decisions about whether the Government has colluded in the use of Jaffa Cakes".

The inquiry is expected to last four years and will cost around £100m to complete. Mr Johnson said that this was 'justifiable, as once the inquiry is completed the British people will know, without question, which biscuit the Prime Minister likes".

Mail's Moir Calls for Man-Love Moratorium

Moir: "wouldn't touch her wrinkled, dried-out clitoral area with a dettol-coated broomstick"

Soon-to-be-ex Daily Mail columnist Jan Moir has outraged normal human beings by calling for a repeal of the 1967 Sexual Offences Act and the reintroduction of jail sentences for 'being a bender'.

In a warmly-received (by Daily Mail readers) in today's Daily Mail, Ms Moir commented on the tragic death of Boyzone singer Stephen Gately, saying, "well, it's quite clear that he was bummed to death, isn't it? After all, before being a chutney-ferret was legal nobody ever died of pulmonary oedema, did they? And only gayers die young and suddenly".

Ms Moir added, "if he hadn't been a right raving whoopsie then he'd have died of old age. If we reintroduced jail sentences for these disgusting specimens who indulge in their sordid little civil partnerships then the world would be a much better place, and house prices would rise again and we could get rid of all the illegal immigrants".

The article leads a campaign by the Daily Mail to 'rid the world of queers', and Ms Moir defended her position by adding that homosexuals do not contribute to society. "All these young men and their bum-chums!, she added. "This is Britain, not the bloody Colonies! Reintroduce prison, that's what I say. After all, what benefit have these namby-pamby woofters ever brought to this nation? Alan Turing, Stephen Fry, Nigel Hawthorne, Elton John, Joe Orton, Housman, Frankie Howerd . . . not one jot of decent contribution. Burn the lot of them, that's what I say."

Her comments were supported by the Editor of the Daily Mail, Mr J Peasemold Gruntfuttock, though those citizens of the UK living in 2009 rather than 1946 have reacted with anger to her bigoted, dated and offensive drivel.

In a separate but related development, sources close to Julie Burchill have strongly denied that Ms Burchill had a Sapphic fling with Ms Moir in 1983. Ms Burchill's spokesperson said, "Julie would like it do be known that she wouldn't have touched Moir's wrinkled, dried-out clitoral area with a dettol-coated broomstick, much less any of her own erogenous zones.

Shari'ah!

With Toejam Choudhary using tolerant British law to mount a march demanding the imposition of an intolerant Theocracy in our nation, I feel it's necessary to offer a comment.

And, as is so often the case, I thought I'd do so in song.

Shari'ah
(to the tune of West Side Story's 'Maria')

[spoken]The most abhorrent laws I ever heard
All the brutal abuse of the world in a single word. . . .

Shari'ah!
The unpleasant truth of Shari'ah,
Brutality and pain
Committed in God's name,
It seems.....

Shari'ah!
Submission is all in Shari'ah!
The rulings of Islam,
Show just how vicious man,
Can be!

Shari'ah!
For your 'crimes' you'll face stones or flaying,
You'll face death for a difference in praying,

Shari'ah!
I'll never Submit to
Shari'ah!
Shari'ah!, Shari'ah!...

Shari'ah!
For your 'crimes' you'll face stones or flaying,
You'll face death for a difference in praying,
Shari'ah!
I'll never Submit to
Shari'ah!

[spoken]The most abhorrent laws I ever heard
Shari'ah!

With apologies to both Bernstein and Sondheim for using a beautiful song to describe something so ugly.

Dublin in Chaos Following Evacuation Order

"Oh fuck no, don't let them start singing again!"

Panic erupted in Dublin today following the implementation of a city-wide evacuation order by the Irish Parliament, the Dail.

All roads out of the city have been gridlocked, and there are unconfirmed reports of hospitals struggling to cope with an influx of stampede injuries since the announcement of the order by the Taoiseach, Brian Cowen.

The Evacuation Order was made public at 0830 BST today following the publication of news that the four remaining members of Boyzone are to sing at Stephen Gateley's funeral in Dublin Cathedral this weekend.

Mr Cowen appealed for calm in the exodus, saying, "we understand people's sense of fear and panic at not being able to escape the city and thus suffering the interminable droning of Ronan and the like. But there is plenty of time to leave the area in a calm manner".

The Taoiseach added, "we had made contingency plans for this sort of emergency, but quite frankly we hadn't expected the need to implement them this soon. To be honest, with that misbegotten leprechaun Walsh looking for the next big score on X-Factor, we thought we'd heard the last of the feckers. All I can do is plead for calm, and remind Dubliners that we can survive this short-term pain".

Army reservists are being called up to form a cordon around the cathedral, though reports they have orders to shoot any member of Boyzone singing outside the approved time of the funeral have been denied.

However, there are fears that the evacuation could cause even chaos than the U2 Riots of 2007, when Bono gave an impromptu speech on world poverty in front of the Dublin Spire and 14 people were killed trying to escape his self-important spoutings.

Choudhary to Lead Unprecedented Muslim March

The BNP's latest Parliamentary candidate on a recruitment drive.

Radical Muslim fuckwit firebrand Anjem Choudhary is to lead 5000 muslims in an unprecedented march across London, it was announced today.

The cleric, known best for his calls for Shari'ah Law and the death penalty for failure to possess a prayer mat, will lead his followers from the Houses of Parliament to the British Nazi National Party HQ at The Mosley Correction Club, W1, at which point all 5000 will join the British National Party in a mass signing witnessed by BNP leader Nick Griffin.

The announcement follows the British Nazi Party's decision to open their membership process to non-white races, as long as the applicant can show a demonstrable history of racism.

In a joint press conference with Mr Griffin, Mr Choudhary said, "this is a great day for bigots across the UK, insh'Allah. The joining of racist politics with racist religion proves that narrow-mindedness and bigotry is not limited by colour or belief, rather by a united and shared stupidity."

Mr Griffin also hailed the development, saying, "this move by the Pak.. I mean the muslims demonstrates that the BNP is now the right choice for Britain's idiots. We stand now as a mainstream Party, offering the opportunity of quality multicultural unfairness to all Britain's morons.

As part of the move the BNP's Constitution is to be reviewed to bring it more in line with the teachings of radical Islam. References to 'ragheads' and other potentially Islamic slights are to be removed, with greater emphasis placed instead on the disempowerment of woman. However, both Mr Choudhary and Mr Griffin said they were in agreement that any bits about being Jewish could stay in place.

Reports that Mr Choudhary intends to stand for Parliament remain unconfirmed.

Afghanistan Personnel Numbers to Rise

"Yep, more soldiers will do it - it worked for the Soviets. Oh, wait. . . ."

A new plan to increase the number of British personnel serving in Afghanistan has been announced today, to universal public approval.

The scheme, to be announced by Prime Mincer Gollum Brown at today's PMQ's, will increase the number of British personnel in Hellmand Province to almost 10,000, sources close to the PM confirmed.

A Downing Street source explained that the PM is to reveal that the entire Parliamentary Labour Party, along with all their aides and Special Advisors, are to be sent to Afghanistan as part of a'big push' to introduce stability to the war-torn Hellmand area.

The source said, "it's obvious that we need a radical new approach in the War on Terror. Where 9000 poorly-equipped and undersupplied troops have failed, the Parliamentary Labour Party can, and shall, succeed.

"What's missing in Hellmand isn't guns, tanks and bullets - our research indicates that the battle with the Taliban will go on because we don't have enough Social Justice Diversity Co-Ordinators, Regional LGBT Muslim Issues Outreach Facilitators and, of course, Inter-Denominational Counter-Jihad Appeasement Administrators."

A key priority of the new force in Afghanistan will be the creation of a new regulatory body OFTAL, which will monitor and assess the actions of the Taliban and have the power to issue strongly-worded notes of censure in the event of them blowing up yet more British troops in poorly-armoured Land Rovers.

In a related announcement, it is expected that the Cabinet is to hold its next meeting at Camp Bastian in Hellmand Province, following which Defence Secretary Bob Ainsworth will be left behind to be utilised for target practice.

Satire? We're Past That.

This is difficult to explain.

Having now received a string of emails and tweets asking why I'm not blogging at the moment, I guess I owe you all (those of you who've kept faith, and kept me in your RSS Feeds) an explanation.

The fact is, at the moment there's no inspiration. How does a satirist write, when the subject is beyond satire?

I mean, look at the country. Seriously, look at it.

Our country is, effectively, run by an unelected pawn of Russian oligarchs who has twice been forced to resign due to alleged impropriety. Our country's 'leader' is the subject of heated discussion on the interwebs and mainstream media - not for his statesmanship, but for his choice of mind-altering medication.

Senior politicians knowingly employ cheap illegal immigrants while the Daily Fail rants. Police officers are threatened with prosecution for sorting their own childcare arrangments without Stasi approval. A paedophile is posthumously lauded as a saviour of all mankind, the arrest of a convicted paedophile condemned as an 'immense cultural scandal'.

Racing cars crashing deliberately. The police not responsible for policing the streets.

Even spoof articles - a garage-sale, for example - now have become matters of Goonvernment policy.

If you want to know just how far through the looking-glass we are, we've even had the unbelievable claim that Jordan was raped. The idea that there's a single homo sapien on the planet that she wouldn't put out for really emphasis just how we've descended into a maelstrom of insanity.

But - silly season's now over, our Glorious Leaders have returned to the monkey house, and I am now returning to the fray refreshed, revived and ready to ridicule.

Watch this space.