St. Jade in her traditional poseFormer 'Big Brother' contestant and tabloid revenue-stream Jade Goody is to be beatified by His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, it was announced today, in recognition of her tireless work to benefit race relations.
The move, which is the result of a concerted campaign by Max Clifford and TheBeano Sun, will see 'The People's Chav' start her journey to sainthood within the next seven days.
In order to complete the transition to the status of saint, there will have to be three independently-verified miracles noted and recorded in her name. This Correspondent understands that the first of these has already been achieved, as it's an absolute miracle she gets as many column-inches as she does. Further miracles from St Jade of Essex are said to include her ability to generate revenue from multiple sources from absolutely no talent or intellect.
Cardinal Michael Godbotherer, spokesman for the Vatican, confirmed that the beatification process had started for 'an unpleasant Essex chav', but refused to provide more details. However, Doctor Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury, praised Goody for her work in promoting racial harmony and Heat Magazine. He added, "the elevation of Jade Goody to sainthood is an important step in bringing the Church in line with modern life".
The announcement means that Goody, who has a terminal illness, will receive a State funeral in the Vatican upon her death. Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Shilpa Shetty have already confirmed their attendance, and it is reported that Hello magazine have bought the photography rights for an undisclosed sum.
The move, which is the result of a concerted campaign by Max Clifford and The
In order to complete the transition to the status of saint, there will have to be three independently-verified miracles noted and recorded in her name. This Correspondent understands that the first of these has already been achieved, as it's an absolute miracle she gets as many column-inches as she does. Further miracles from St Jade of Essex are said to include her ability to generate revenue from multiple sources from absolutely no talent or intellect.
Cardinal Michael Godbotherer, spokesman for the Vatican, confirmed that the beatification process had started for 'an unpleasant Essex chav', but refused to provide more details. However, Doctor Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury, praised Goody for her work in promoting racial harmony and Heat Magazine. He added, "the elevation of Jade Goody to sainthood is an important step in bringing the Church in line with modern life".
The announcement means that Goody, who has a terminal illness, will receive a State funeral in the Vatican upon her death. Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Shilpa Shetty have already confirmed their attendance, and it is reported that Hello magazine have bought the photography rights for an undisclosed sum.
11 comments:
This is not funny or clever, shame on you.
Maybe not clever, but it IS funny
Wooo..
well I hope no one ever writes something like that if your wife/sister/girlfriend.. whoever becomes terminally ill.
You reap what you sow..
This says A LOT about the kind of person you are.
OK, perhaps I should nip this one in the bud.
Anonymous - would you care to point out the part of the piece where I showed pleasure in, or welcomed, her illness?
Anyone else want to? Anyone? Bueller?
No, that's right. Because it ISN'T THERE.
What you have read, and clearly completely misunderstood, is the thrust of the piece. However, I can't be bothered to explain it to you.
This is a satirical site, and pokes fun at many things. If you find them objectionable, you can find items more to your taste here. Enjoy.
D
Anon 12:18 & 2:07, if you don't like it, you can collect your refund on the way out.
I read that Jade has sold " My Moment Of Death " to Hello! magazine ( whatever the opposite of posthumously is, prehumously perhaps ) but is it true that Max Clifford got ten quid for her hairdryer on e-bay ?
Excellent stuff.
I'm making this a guest post at my place
You are sick in the head. And you beat me to it. Curses!
Excellent piece, although she will of course be known as "St Bravejade" after the canonisation.
(PS - Ignore all the "anonymous" cretins. They're the minority, albeit a very vocal one at the moment.)
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